Family Guy (TV Series)

Brothers & Sisters (2011)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin

Photos 

Quotes 

• [During dinner, Lois is trying to dissuade her sister from marrying once again by having a few of her ex-husbands showing up unannounced] 

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Look, I see what you're trying to do, Lois.

  Lois Griffin : And then there was your second husband, Randall, who you called your soul mate.

  Peter Griffin : Oh God, not that guy. He always comes bearing really inconvenient gifts.

  [Randall enters room] 

  Randall Carrington : Hey you guys. Peter, I brought you some saltwater tropical fish. Now you got to feed them every two hours, and I fed them an hour ago.

  Peter Griffin : Ah, all right. You got the food?

  Randall Carrington : No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store.

  Peter Griffin : It's 9:30 at night!

  Randall Carrington : Well, you better get going.

  Peter Griffin : Son of a fuck!

• [Doorbell rings, Lois answers the door] 

  Lois Griffin : Mayor West? What are you doing here?

  Mayor Adam West : I'm being a rascal and ringing people's doorbells and running away.

  Lois Griffin : Then what are you still doing here?

  Mayor Adam West : It's my first house. I'm not very good at this.

• Lois Griffin : Carol, I'm really not sure you should be rushing into another marriage right now.

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Well Lois, I appreciate your input, but I'm capable of making my own decisions.

  Lois Griffin : Are you sure? I mean, look at your track record. Nine divorces! Do you really enjoy being Carol Pewterschmidt-Johnson-Carrington-Stone-O'Craggity-Canseco-Shteinholtz-Washington-Proudfoot-Fong?

• Lois Griffin : I'm not sacrificing my sister's happiness so you can have a playmate. She and Mayor West never would've made it.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah? Well, nobody believed we'd make it, and look at us now. I drink, and you use sex as a weapon. That seems to me like a successful New England marriage.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, come on, Peter. My parents may have been against our relationship, but a lot of people supported us.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah? Like who?

  Lois Griffin : Well, like... like Carol. God, if it wasn't for her support, I don't know that I would've had the confidence to marry you.

  [realizing her error] 

  Lois Griffin : And now that she needs my support, here I am abandoning her. Oh, my God. Peter, I've made a terrible mistake.

  Peter Griffin : Well, that's what I tried to tell you, but you were as stubborn as a pigeon at an ad agency.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, Carol is marrying Mayor West.

  Peter Griffin : You serious?

  Carol Pewterschmidt : That's right, Peter. Say hello to your future brother-in-law.

  Peter Griffin : Brother? I don't know those other two words, but brother? I'm gonna have a brother?

  Lois Griffin : Well, what we're discussing is whether or not marriage is a smart move for Carol at this point in time. I was hoping you might be able to weigh in.

  Peter Griffin : I'm gonna have a brother! Hey, Adam, wanna go get in a fight over the rules of a game we made up?

  Mayor Adam West : Yep!

  Peter Griffin : [running outside together]  Five points. I win.

  Mayor Adam West : That's not fair. You weren't touching the bush.

  Peter Griffin : I was too touching the bu... oh, cool, this rock has mica.

  Mayor Adam West : Oh, let me see!

  Peter Griffin : Don't touch it! It's worth money!

• Carol Pewterschmidt : Oh, it's so great to see you kids. Here, I brought you all gifts from Texas. Meg, this is a bar of soap with a scorpion in it. Stewie, this is a lollipop with a desert spider in it. And Chris, this is a comb made out of an armadillo shell. Now, just don't use it to comb your hair and make promises to women you won't keep.

  Chris Griffin : I probably just won't use it.

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Well, if you all don't mind, I'm gonna freshen up before dinner.

  Meg Griffin : Mom, she's so sad and lonely.

  Lois Griffin : Look who the fuck's talking.

• Lois Griffin : Oh, Carol, I would never miss any of your meet-the-fiance dinners.

  [pointedly to Mayor West] 

  Lois Griffin : This is the tenth one.

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Oh, Lois.

  Lois Griffin : Look, Carol, I'm just saying it's a big decision.

  Peter Griffin : Eh, life is full of big decisions. Like deciding whether or not you're gonna have time to masturbate.

  [cut to the living room, where he sits on the couch] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I'm gonna run and pick up Stewie. I'll be back in five or ten minutes.

  Peter Griffin : Well, which is it?

• Stewie Griffin : [talking to his teddy bear Rupert]  I'm just saying that if you read somewhere that Gwen Stefani was a grandmother, you might not even bat an eye.

  [the crib starts moving] 

  Stewie Griffin : What the devil? What's going on?

  Lois Griffin : Oh, I'm sorry, Stewie. Your Aunt Carol's gonna be staying with us for a little while, so she's gonna need your room.

  Stewie Griffin : Who the hell do you think you are? Stop it this instant! We're not gonna fit through there. Only circles can fit through that rectangular doorway. Oh, my god, it's going right through. I-I-I gotta get better at shapes.

• Lois Griffin : Oh, how you holding up, Carol?

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Not so good.

  Lois Griffin : Look, I know you're depressed about Mayor West, but I promise you made the right decision. Just give yourself some time, and I'm sure you'll feel much better about it.

  Stewie Griffin : [off-screen]  She says that to Meg a lot, so that's not good.

• Lois Griffin : Carol, you're here.

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Hi, Lois.

  Lois Griffin : Ah, it's so wonderful to see you.

  Glenn Quagmire : Hey, you need some help with those bags?

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Ooh, well, yes. Thank you so much.

  Glenn Quagmire : Oh, it's my pleasure, Lois' recently divorced sister.

• Lois Griffin : Quagmire's flying to Alaska? Peter, that's the plane Mayor West is on!

  Peter Griffin : Oh, I get what you're driving at. If Carol can't have Mayor West, no one can. Quagmire, I want you to crash that plane. No survivors, you hear me?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, for God's sake, no! Tell him to turn the plane around.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, hey, listen, Quagmire, turn the plane around and bring it back here.

  Glenn Quagmire : Peter, I can't do that. The FAA would be all over my ass.

  Peter Griffin : [looking at Lois and Carol]  Um, hey, Quagmire, you know that stray cat we got in our neighborhood?

  Glenn Quagmire : The pregnant one?

  Peter Griffin : Yep, she's having her kittens right now.

  Glenn Quagmire : Oh, no way.

  Peter Griffin : Yep, making all those high-pitched "mew mew" noises and everything.

  Glenn Quagmire : I love them already.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, but Brian's been eyeing 'em pretty good.

  Glenn Quagmire : What?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, and I gotta go to work now. So I hope he's not, like, hungry or nothing.

  Glenn Quagmire : [picking up the handset to the plane's intercom]  This is your captain speaking. We've discovered a shoe bomb on board. We're gonna have to return to the terminal.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, what are you doing?

  Peter Griffin : I'm running away.

  Lois Griffin : Why?

  Peter Griffin : Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever, and now he's gone!

  Lois Griffin : All you got there is toys and cans of tuna fish.

  Peter Griffin : Well, I gotta eat. And I gotta have fun.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, you're just acting out.

  Peter Griffin : No, I'm not. I'm acting in.

  Lois Griffin : Okay, now you're just saying the opposite of what I say.

  Peter Griffin : No, I'm not. I'm saying the same as what you say.

  Lois Griffin : Peter!

  Peter Griffin : Lois.

  Lois Griffin : [more to herself]  God.

  Peter Griffin : Allah.

• Carol Pewterschmidt : Oh, hi, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Who is this? How do you know my name? Give me back my son!

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Peter, it's Carol, your sister-in-law.

  Peter Griffin : Carol! How the hell are you?

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Not too good. Jason left me. It's gonna be my ninth divorce.

  Peter Griffin : [oblivious]  Oh, you know, just hangin' out.

  Lois Griffin : [taking it]  Peter, give me the phone.

• Chris Griffin : Aunt Carol, Mom says you'd make a great Florida whore. What does that mean?

  Lois Griffin : [forced laughter]  Oh, Chris, I-I said that about Kate Hudson.

  Stewie Griffin : You know, I always thought I'd be a good Florida whore.

  [cut to him on the back of a motorcycle dressed in a halter top and Daisy Dukes] 

  Stewie Griffin : Thanks to you, my hair stays like this when we stop.

• Mayor Adam West : You're right, Carol. It was a wonderful date. And I wanna have a million more, every night of the week for the rest of my life.

  [getting down on one knee] 

  Mayor Adam West : Carol Yastrzemski - oh, please, let that be your last name - will you marry me?

  Lois Griffin : WHAT?

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Oh, Adam. Yes, yes! Adam, I will!

  Lois Griffin : Carol, what are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't just jump right back into...

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Lois, this is my life. And this is what I want. I will marry you, Mayor Adam West!

  Mayor Adam West : Oh, great! I can't wait to tell the gals at my singles group.

  [cut to said meeting, where they all look at him in disapproval] 

  Mayor Adam West : Ah, come on. This is the goal, isn't it?

• Carol Pewterschmidt : Lois, aren't you gonna introduce me to your handsome friend?

  Mayor Adam West : Handsome?

  [he sputters in excitement] 

  Mayor Adam West : Wow!

  Lois Griffin : Oh, uh, sure. Carol, this is our town's mayor, Adam West. Mayor West, this is my sister Carol.

  Mayor Adam West : Well, hubba hubba, ding ding, who invented this thing?