Family Guy (TV Series)

Brothers & Sisters (2011)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Pigeon, Carter Pewterschmidt, Doggie Daddy Stone

Photos 

Quotes 

• [During dinner, Lois is trying to dissuade her sister from marrying once again by having a few of her ex-husbands showing up unannounced] 

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Look, I see what you're trying to do, Lois.

  Lois Griffin : And then there was your second husband, Randall, who you called your soul mate.

  Peter Griffin : Oh God, not that guy. He always comes bearing really inconvenient gifts.

  [Randall enters room] 

  Randall Carrington : Hey you guys. Peter, I brought you some saltwater tropical fish. Now you got to feed them every two hours, and I fed them an hour ago.

  Peter Griffin : Ah, all right. You got the food?

  Randall Carrington : No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store.

  Peter Griffin : It's 9:30 at night!

  Randall Carrington : Well, you better get going.

  Peter Griffin : Son of a fuck!

• Carol Pewterschmidt : Adam, I want to spend the rest of my Iife with you.

  Mayor Adam West : Carol, nothing would make me happier.

  Peter Griffin : Hey, when it's your turn to say "I do," you should say, "I do the Dew. " And then we both pull out a Mountain Dew, and then I do, Iike, a radical skateboard jump off the altar.

  Mayor Adam West : Well, obviously, yeah.

• Peter Griffin : Hey Lois, I didn't flush. I want you to come see it. Looks like the Starbucks mermaid.

• Lois Griffin : I'm not sacrificing my sister's happiness so you can have a playmate. She and Mayor West never would've made it.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah? Well, nobody believed we'd make it, and look at us now. I drink, and you use sex as a weapon. That seems to me like a successful New England marriage.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, come on, Peter. My parents may have been against our relationship, but a lot of people supported us.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah? Like who?

  Lois Griffin : Well, like... like Carol. God, if it wasn't for her support, I don't know that I would've had the confidence to marry you.

  [realizing her error] 

  Lois Griffin : And now that she needs my support, here I am abandoning her. Oh, my God. Peter, I've made a terrible mistake.

  Peter Griffin : Well, that's what I tried to tell you, but you were as stubborn as a pigeon at an ad agency.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, Carol is marrying Mayor West.

  Peter Griffin : You serious?

  Carol Pewterschmidt : That's right, Peter. Say hello to your future brother-in-law.

  Peter Griffin : Brother? I don't know those other two words, but brother? I'm gonna have a brother?

  Lois Griffin : Well, what we're discussing is whether or not marriage is a smart move for Carol at this point in time. I was hoping you might be able to weigh in.

  Peter Griffin : I'm gonna have a brother! Hey, Adam, wanna go get in a fight over the rules of a game we made up?

  Mayor Adam West : Yep!

  Peter Griffin : [running outside together]  Five points. I win.

  Mayor Adam West : That's not fair. You weren't touching the bush.

  Peter Griffin : I was too touching the bu... oh, cool, this rock has mica.

  Mayor Adam West : Oh, let me see!

  Peter Griffin : Don't touch it! It's worth money!

• Lois Griffin : Oh, Carol, I would never miss any of your meet-the-fiance dinners.

  [pointedly to Mayor West] 

  Lois Griffin : This is the tenth one.

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Oh, Lois.

  Lois Griffin : Look, Carol, I'm just saying it's a big decision.

  Peter Griffin : Eh, life is full of big decisions. Like deciding whether or not you're gonna have time to masturbate.

  [cut to the living room, where he sits on the couch] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I'm gonna run and pick up Stewie. I'll be back in five or ten minutes.

  Peter Griffin : Well, which is it?

• Stewie Griffin : [talking to his teddy bear Rupert]  I'm just saying that if you read somewhere that Gwen Stefani was a grandmother, you might not even bat an eye.

  [the crib starts moving] 

  Stewie Griffin : What the devil? What's going on?

  Lois Griffin : Oh, I'm sorry, Stewie. Your Aunt Carol's gonna be staying with us for a little while, so she's gonna need your room.

  Stewie Griffin : Who the hell do you think you are? Stop it this instant! We're not gonna fit through there. Only circles can fit through that rectangular doorway. Oh, my god, it's going right through. I-I-I gotta get better at shapes.

• Lois Griffin : Oh, how you holding up, Carol?

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Not so good.

  Lois Griffin : Look, I know you're depressed about Mayor West, but I promise you made the right decision. Just give yourself some time, and I'm sure you'll feel much better about it.

  Stewie Griffin : [off-screen]  She says that to Meg a lot, so that's not good.

• Lois Griffin : Carol, you're here.

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Hi, Lois.

  Lois Griffin : Ah, it's so wonderful to see you.

  Glenn Quagmire : Hey, you need some help with those bags?

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Ooh, well, yes. Thank you so much.

  Glenn Quagmire : Oh, it's my pleasure, Lois' recently divorced sister.

• Lois Griffin : Quagmire's flying to Alaska? Peter, that's the plane Mayor West is on!

  Peter Griffin : Oh, I get what you're driving at. If Carol can't have Mayor West, no one can. Quagmire, I want you to crash that plane. No survivors, you hear me?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, for God's sake, no! Tell him to turn the plane around.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, hey, listen, Quagmire, turn the plane around and bring it back here.

  Glenn Quagmire : Peter, I can't do that. The FAA would be all over my ass.

  Peter Griffin : [looking at Lois and Carol]  Um, hey, Quagmire, you know that stray cat we got in our neighborhood?

  Glenn Quagmire : The pregnant one?

  Peter Griffin : Yep, she's having her kittens right now.

  Glenn Quagmire : Oh, no way.

  Peter Griffin : Yep, making all those high-pitched "mew mew" noises and everything.

  Glenn Quagmire : I love them already.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, but Brian's been eyeing 'em pretty good.

  Glenn Quagmire : What?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, and I gotta go to work now. So I hope he's not, like, hungry or nothing.

  Glenn Quagmire : [picking up the handset to the plane's intercom]  This is your captain speaking. We've discovered a shoe bomb on board. We're gonna have to return to the terminal.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, what are you doing?

  Peter Griffin : I'm running away.

  Lois Griffin : Why?

  Peter Griffin : Because you took away my brother! You ruined my life! Adam and I were gonna be brothers forever, and now he's gone!

  Lois Griffin : All you got there is toys and cans of tuna fish.

  Peter Griffin : Well, I gotta eat. And I gotta have fun.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, you're just acting out.

  Peter Griffin : No, I'm not. I'm acting in.

  Lois Griffin : Okay, now you're just saying the opposite of what I say.

  Peter Griffin : No, I'm not. I'm saying the same as what you say.

  Lois Griffin : Peter!

  Peter Griffin : Lois.

  Lois Griffin : [more to herself]  God.

  Peter Griffin : Allah.

• Carol Pewterschmidt : Oh, hi, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Who is this? How do you know my name? Give me back my son!

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Peter, it's Carol, your sister-in-law.

  Peter Griffin : Carol! How the hell are you?

  Carol Pewterschmidt : Not too good. Jason left me. It's gonna be my ninth divorce.

  Peter Griffin : [oblivious]  Oh, you know, just hangin' out.

  Lois Griffin : [taking it]  Peter, give me the phone.

• Chris Griffin : Aunt Carol, Mom says you'd make a great Florida whore. What does that mean?

  Lois Griffin : [forced laughter]  Oh, Chris, I-I said that about Kate Hudson.

  Stewie Griffin : You know, I always thought I'd be a good Florida whore.

  [cut to him on the back of a motorcycle dressed in a halter top and Daisy Dukes] 

  Stewie Griffin : Thanks to you, my hair stays like this when we stop.

• Peter Griffin : Hey, Stewie. You gonna sleep in here with us?

  Stewie Griffin : Is this how you spend your free time, fat-ass? Lying half-naked on a bed in black socks at 11:30 in the morning?

  Peter Griffin : You wanna play with one of Daddy's socks?

  Stewie Griffin : What a... do I want to... no, what... no, what an... what an odd request.

  Peter Griffin : [trying to remove a sock with his other foot]  Ah, the first one's always hard. There we go. The second one's easier, 'cause, toes. Come on, fella.

  [getting it off] 

  Peter Griffin : That's it.

  [he picks it up with his toes and throws it into the crib, where it lands on Stewie's head] 

  Stewie Griffin : AHHH!

  Peter Griffin : There you go. Create an adventure with that.

• Peter Griffin : Hey, Quagmire, it's me. Meet me at the Clam in 20.

  Glenn Quagmire : Well, that sounds great, Peter, but I can't right now.

  Peter Griffin : Aw, crap. Why not?

  Glenn Quagmire : 'Cause I'm working. I'm flying a plane to Alaska.

  Peter Griffin : Alaska? What the hell? I never even heard of this place an hour ago, and now everybody's flying there.

• Peter Griffin : [bike riding with Mayor West]  I didn't know you rode bikes.

  Mayor Adam West : I didn't know you rode bikes.

  Peter Griffin : Let's go butts up and fast.

  Mayor Adam West : [doing so]  Oh, no! Patch of sand.

  [skidding in the sand, he flies off his bike and hits the pavement] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, my God! Are you all right?

  Mayor Adam West : I'm fine. Let's just keep riding bikes.

  Peter Griffin : Are you sure? That was a wicked wipeout.

  Mayor Adam West : [trying not to cry]  I'm fine. Can we just keep riding bikes, please?