- Cameron Tucker: [about the book 'Two Monkeys and a Panda for Lily] She's the panda because she's Asian.
- Mitchell Pritchett: And we're monkeys because...
- Cameron Tucker: I can draw monkeys.
- Manny Delgado: I'm kind of wrestling with this whole older man/younger woman thing. It's like Chloe and I grew up in different worlds. Today, I made a joke about the Wiggles. It went right over her head.
- Jay Pritchett: I don't know what that is.
- Manny Delgado: It's an expression. It means she didn't get it.
- Haley Dunphy: Hey, Mom, I need some money for lunch. We're all gonna go-
- [Sees Alex in her sweater]
- Haley Dunphy: Oh my God! Take off my sweater! Mom, tell her to take it off!
- Claire Dunphy: Alex, take it off.
- Alex Dunphy: Last week she wore my sweatshirt without asking!
- Claire Dunphy: That is true.
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, please, that was an honor for your stupid old sweatshirt. It was the first time the top half got any exercise.
- Claire Dunphy: More than anything, I want my girls to stop fighting and be close. I want them to share clothes and do each other's hair and gossip about boys, like I used to do with Mitchell.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: There they are - my two dirty old men.
- Jay Pritchett: Hey, pretty soon you're gonna be north of forty, and I'm gonna have to trade you in for a newer model. Am I right, buddy?
- Manny Delgado: That's my mother, Jay.
- Haley Dunphy: Okay, fine. Then I will just go out on your favorite nerdy T-shirt, the one with the guy from Back to the Future on it.
- Alex Dunphy: That's Albert Einstein! And it is not nerdy!
- Claire Dunphy: Well...
- Jay Pritchett: Listen, I've been thinking. When I go, I want you to know... it's okay if you marry someone else.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I know.
- Jay Pritchett: Because I want you to be happy.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'll be happy.
- Jay Pritchett: You're driving me crazy on purpose, right?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Mmm. Mmm. I don't care how much they promote it - kale is a garnish. It's not really to anchor a meal.
- Manny Delgado: Hey, Jay, have you noticed a spring in my step?
- Jay Pritchett: Oh, kids say cruel things. That doesn't mean you'll turn out that way.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You die, you go to the ground. It's natural. You go back to the earth. Here you're just a mushy bag of bones rotting for all eternity.
- [to old woman next to her]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'm so sorry for your loss.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Reading his version of the storybook] 'Once upon a time there were two monkeys. They loved each other very much, but there was something missing'.
- Cameron Tucker: A hyphen?
- Mitchell Pritchett: 'They wanted a baby. And they heard that there was a very special baby in a faraway land who needed a family. She was a panda named Lily. One of the monkeys was scared. They'd never had a panda before. But they held Lily in their arms and the scared monkey became the brave one'.