- Officer Carla Rinaldi: Where's the zombie?
- Security Guard: Uh, he ran onto the elevator, so I stopped it between floors.
- Officer John 'John John' Johnson: Good stuff. How long ago?
- Security Guard: About, like, half an hour ago.
- Officer Carla Rinaldi: Yeah, sorry. Bad traffic on the 101.
- Security Guard: Isn't rush hour going the other way?
- Officer Kirsten Landry: Captain, I haven't told you everything about your niece.
- Captain Dashell: Is she pregnant?
- Officer Kirsten Landry: No, no, no. God, no, not that I know of.
- Captain Dashell: She's not a cyberbully, is she? I read up on cyberbullies. I don't like them one bit.
- Officer Joe Stubeck: There's a bomb inside the zombie. It's the vamps, Billy... they put a bomb right in the zombie.
- Officer Billy Pierce: Yeah, a bomb zombie... A "bombie."
- Captain Dashell: You're in my gun house now. These guns... they're like my children. I love them differently... some not as much as others, but I don't tell them that.
- Officer John 'John John' Johnson: [Meeting Julia] Man, you are nothing like what I pictured.
- Officer Carla Rinaldi: What you pictured? Dude, you didn't even know I had a girlfriend until 15 minutes ago.
- Officer John 'John John' Johnson: You have no idea what a guy can picture in 15 minutes.