Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The Avengers (2011)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : So as they drive off to meet Mother, you may notice something very odd about the people of London in this movie. THERE'S NO PEOPLE OF LONDON IN THIS MOVIE!

  [Clips of London are shown, which apparently is completely devoid of people] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What is this, "28 Days Later"? I've never seen the place so abandoned! Maybe they heard they were filming this shithole and evacuated the city to save on therapy bills.

• Nostalgia Critic : All right, a little background. "The Avengers" is NOT based on one of the best-selling comic books with some of the greatest superheroes of all time. It's instead based on a British foppy eye agent and his brothel of alternating hot crumpets. I guess it was sort of like a "James Bond" meets "The Prisoner" sort of thing. And before I get a million angry e-mails, no, I've never actually seen the show. But, hey, a movie should be good despite the fact if you've seen the show at all. And depending on what I've heard about this film... we're screwed. Let's dive right into "The Avengers".

• John Steed (Ralph Fiennes) : Macaroons... for Mother.

  Nostalgia Critic : And who is Mother, you may ask? Well, it turns out that Mother in this movie is a man!

  [a clip of Norman Bates from 1960's "Psycho is shown] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, not quite that bad.

• Nostalgia Critic : He sends out a message to another agent Emma Peel, played by Uma Thurman, who's just moseying around the house in her every day ungodly expensive Chinese dress. Oh, come on, ladies, we all know you do that.

• Nostalgia Critic : Did they really need to send her a package saying "Answer the phone"? Doesn't that kind of go without saying? If the phone rings, you answer it! You really needed to waste the postage to tell her this? What other basic commands do you think she has to be told?

• John Steed (Ralph Fiennes) : You're not someone who plays by the rules, Doctor.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, you mean like the direct rule she was given to meet up with you, even though women aren't allowed in this place? How's that breaking the rules? It's not her fault you chose a location that makes no fucking sense.

• Mother (Jim Broadbent) : You are our chief suspect.

  Emma Peel (Uma Thurman) : I'm innocent, of course. Why would I sabotage my own project?

  Mother (Jim Broadbent) : You tell us. You will be allowed the privilege to prove your innocence. If you didn't blow up Prospero, find out who did.

  Nostalgia Critic : Really? You have video evidence that she is the culprit, and you're actually gonna let her solve the case? This seems a tad... backwards.

• John Steed (Ralph Fiennes) : He'd like us to work as a team.

  Emma Peel (Uma Thurman) : You mean I have to trust you?

  Nostalgia Critic : "Trust you - "? It's your face that got caught on the video camera, you dumb broad! He should have a hard time trusting *you*!

• Nostalgia Critic : Let me see if I understand this ministry correctly. You have a woman named Father, a man named Mother, a package instructing agents how to pick up a phone, a message telling a woman to meet in a place where no women are allowed, and most likely letting a criminal with hard evidence against her SOLVE HER OWN CRIME? DOES ANYTHING IN THIS AGENCY MAKE SENSE? EVERYTHING IS TOTALLY FRIGGIN' UPSIDE DOWN!

• Nostalgia Critic : If you haven't figured it out yet, this whole entire movie is based on one friggin' joke: They're *polite*. They perform incredibly dangerous stunts and react with a calm, friendly retort. That's it! That's where all the *humor* in this movie comes from.

• Nostalgia Critic : Now, let's take out the fact that this is all based on one joke - and a particularly weak one at that - and ask one question: If nobody in this movie becomes passionate or excited about what they're doing, why should we? Why should we care if they make it out of a situation when clearly they have as much energy and drive as Victorian senior citizen porn?

  [an image of a well-dressed senior couple is shown briefly with speech bubbles over them, saying respectively, "Do me," and "I am."] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Do they ever become *interested* in anything? Nope! They just talk politely about it throughout the entire movie.

• Nostalgia Critic : The Avengers - which I just realized are never called the Avengers in this movie, nor are they ever avenging anything...

• Nostalgia Critic : GOD! Even Sean Connery, in all his coolness, can't save this snorefest! On top of that, he's not even that smooth. He comes across as sort of an awkward horny old man.

• August De Wynter (Sean Connery) : One should never fear... being wet.

  Nostalgia Critic : Don't worry. I have a dozen other Roger Moore pick-up lines.

• [Emma Peel shoots John in the chest while he's on the snowy ground] 

  Nostalgia Critic : He then wakes up finding Mrs. Peel attending to his wounds. Does this freak him out at all? Nahhhh!

• John Steed (Ralph Fiennes) : Luckily, my Trubshaw waistcoat was bulletproof.

  Nostalgia Critic : Boy, it'd be really cruel if maybe they SHOWED us this vest! Either being tested out or explained like any other good spy flick, but hell with that ass! We got more bantering to do!

• Nostalgia Critic : They go to a secret underground company called Wonderland Weather, where they...

  [Cut to the infamous bear costume board meeting scene] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [Flabbergasted]  ... the FUCK?

  August De Wynter (Sean Connery) : [Dressed in a black teddy bear costume]  Welcome to Wonderland Weather, here in our London headquarters.

  Nostalgia Critic : The FUCK? When did this turn into the Grateful Dead's teddy bear picnic? I'm sorry, movie! I'm sorry! You can't do that! You can't do that! You can't have nothing but bland characters, bland dialogue and bland visuals throughout the entire film, and then... SUDDENLY throw this shit at us!

• August De Wynter (Sean Connery) : You all know who I am and I know all of you. But you cannot know one another.

  Nostalgia Critic : I guess the idea's supposed to be that they're all in disguise because they're such big names, but... really? This was the best you could come up with? What happened to just a paper bag over the face or, hell, even a secure video conference? This just doesn't seem like... the first... logical... conclusion... to come to!

• Nostalgia Critic : Well, looks like somebody's having a bad bear day!

• Nostalgia Critic : Movie, will you just... look at yourself? That was Uma Thurman in a bear suit jumping off a building. Please tell me somebody at one point finally said, "Hey! This might... MIGHT BE REALLY FUCKING STUPID!"

• Nostalgia Critic : So they go back to Sean Connery's house where he has a devious plan for them both. He fights off Mr. Steed, just so he can let him go and run away after capturing Emma Peel, just so he can let her go and run away. I'd say that none of this makes any goddamn sense but then again, he was working for the Ministry where the parents aren't even given the right gender, so I'm used to none of this adding up!

• Nostalgia Critic : [Commenting on Invisible Jones's character]  Even for a movie that had mechanical bees, grannies with guns and ninja teddy bears, this is pretty silly.

• Invisible Jones (Patrick Macnee) : Don't worry about me being invisible. Learnt the trick in camouflage, till the accident made rather a mess of things. Now I'm stuck away in the basement. Lucky if I even get the tea trolley.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, because Lord knows an *invisible* man wouldn't be useful for any in-depth spy work, would he? Throw him in the archives for a five-minute cameo!

• Nostalgia Critic : What was he doing this entire criminally insane scheme for? Money.

  Samuel Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones from "The Fugitive") : What do you mean, "He did it for the money"? He's a doctor. He's already rich.

  Nostalgia Critic : Right you are! He clearly has millions of dollars, a hedge maze, a ton of useless expensive collections but apparently, that just isn't enough for him! I guess he wants to save up for buying the planet Jupiter or something! Hey, we all need a hobby!

• [the camera zooms into the front of August de Wynter's kilt which has some grey-haired accessory hanging from it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Please never zoom in on any grey hair in that area again. I'm trying to eat my popcorn.

• [John runs in to find Mother lying on his back on the snowy ground] 

  Mother (Jim Broadbent) : The balloon, Steed! The balloon! Don't mind me.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, never mind the beaten man fallen over in a wheelchair freezing to death. You have to save the woman who they didn't handcuff for some reason, allowing her to climb out and blow up the balloon. Still keeping the Ministry's settings to "Total Fucking Retarded", aren't you?

• [John and Emma are trapped in a cage within de Wynter's lair] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, so now he's got them. They're totally trapped in the cage for him to do whatever...

  [the cage opens, letting John and Emma out] 

  Nostalgia Critic : WHAT THE ASS RAPE? You opened the cage? Are you a freaking MORON? I think the most intelligent thing in this movie is the fucking umbrella!

• [August de Wynter is struck by lightning] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Finally! I've been raptured! Take me away, Jesus! I'll never do another movie like this again!

• [after the climax] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So London returns to its normal crappy weather, no one is still around to see it, and Ralph Fiennes is realizing playing a half snake, half sperm hybrid chasing a magical boy suddenly seems like a step up after this movie.

• Nostalgia Critic : Let's just say it's pretty bad when the God of Thunder...

  [meaning Thor] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ...a can opener...

  [meaning Iron Man] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ...and the Jolly Green Giant...

  [meaning the Incredible Hulk] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ...look much more plausible than this!