- Phil Dunphy: Okay, huddle up everybody. Your mother's right. She's the quarterback of this family and we need to protect her like Blind Side did.
- Luke Dunphy: She just said that mom was Blind Side.
- Phil Dunphy: Well she's confused. Blind Side was the black kid who played tight end.
- Alex Dunphy: Offensive line.
- Phil Dunphy: Sorry, African-American kid.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, you know, Mitchell? Just go to work, okay? I'm gonna take Lily to school, and then when I get home, I'm gonna scrub this place like a crime scene. Which it is, because you've murdered joy.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Get ready, because you are gonna come home to-to a giant mess.
- Cameron Tucker: And I will give him a giant hug when I get there.
- Phil Dunphy: I've always said that if my son thinks of me as one of his idiot friends, then I've succeeded as a dad. If he wants to go the wrong way on the escalator, I'm on board. If he wants to go into a restaurant and pretend we're Australian, then g'day mate, toss a few shrimps on the barbie for me and my Joey. Yeah? Right? Nicole Kidman? Men at work?
- Jay Pritchett: Manny, write this down: 'A good salesman goes after Moby Dick in a rowboat and brings the tartar sauce with him.'
- Manny Delgado: Hello ma'am, do you love Christmas?
- Jewish Neighbor: Actually, I'm Jewish.
- Manny Delgado: Oh, well, then you must appreciate a good value.
- Jay Pritchett: Oh jeez.