- Ivan Sutherland: Tom, I got to tell you. It is so awesome being married, man. I mean, having someone I love who loves me? I feel like every day is going to be the best day of my life.
- Ivan Sutherland: Dude. That is not good for your health! I was reading somewhere that guys who don't ejaculate at least once a day are one-third more likely to get prostate cancer!
- Tom Caudell: Camgirls? VR? You know? Porn! With all the websites out there, there's literally something for everyone. I mean, if you can think of it, a whole bunch of people are seriously into it!
- Tom Caudell: Uh, hi... 'Aimee.' Is that your real name?
- Aimee: Of course... 'Montgomery.' Everything about our relationship is real, right? We're all just looking for a little human connection - genuine contact - in life, right?
- Tom Caudell: Dude, I am sure there are tens of people in the world who would say your type is exactly their type!
- Tom Caudell: Hey, I am perfectly capable of, you know, taking care of myself? You know, technology and all.
- Les Nessman: ...but the senator, while insisting he was not intoxicated, could not explain his nudity.
- [first lines]
- Tom Caudell: Boring... so mainstream... tedious... c'mon! There's got to be something better than this!
- Tom Caudell: Guys of Asian descent are, like, the least popular people on any of these sites. You're essentially paying for frustration and humiliation, and to not get any dates! I can do that pretty well for free!
- Tom Caudell: With all the websites out there, there's literally something for everyone. I mean, if you can think of it, a whole bunch of people are seriously into it!
- Ivan Sutherland: Uh, you mean, like, ass play?
- Tom Caudell: Absolutely!
- Ivan Sutherland: GILFs?
- Tom Caudell: Are you kidding me? Literally millions of people!
- Ivan Sutherland: Fruits and vegetables?
- Tom Caudell: What do you think?
- Ivan Sutherland: Like... zucchinis?
- Tom Caudell: Of course!
- Ivan Sutherland: Um... what about, say, cantaloupes?
- Tom Caudell: With a lot of practice, enough lube, and a can-do attitude, why the hell not?
- Ivan Sutherland: Porn is not reality! Even if it is 'virtual' reality, these days! You need, you know, contact with another human being. Relationships are everything!