Archer (TV Series)
The Man from Jupiter (2012)
H. Jon Benjamin: Sterling Archer
Photos
Quotes
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Burt Reynolds : You're kidding me...
Sterling Archer : I know... drives me nuts... like the world's slowest elevator.
Burt Reynolds : You should get a bat-pole.
Sterling Archer : Nine thousand bucks.
Burt Reynolds : What?
Sterling Archer : Lowest quote I got.
Burt Reynolds : Well, that's ridiculous.
Sterling Archer : Basically just putting a pole where the garbage chute already is, but the co-op board was like, "But what do we do with the garbage?"
Burt Reynolds : Yeah, but you could still throw it down the... whatever... the same shaft.
Sterling Archer : I know!
Burt Reynolds : And then you'll have some garbage to land on.
Sterling Archer : If you're coming in hot, I know. It's a win-win.
Burt Reynolds : And you were gonna pay for it yourself.
Sterling Archer : Yep.
Burt Reynolds : No assessment or anything.
Sterling Archer : Yep.
Burt Reynolds : Ridiculous.
Sterling Archer : Preaching to the choir buddy.
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Sterling Archer : It's pretty hard to stay anonymous when you're the world's greatest secret agent.
Burt Reynolds : Well, calling yourself that can't help.
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[while being chased by the cops at high speed]
Burt Reynolds : Whoa! Now it's officially a chase.
Sterling Archer : Hooray.
Burt Reynolds : You know what your problem is?
Sterling Archer : My pants are wet?
Burt Reynolds : You only see your mother as your mother. But she's also a person. She has hopes, and dreams, and fears, and needs...
Sterling Archer : Don't make it weirder!
Burt Reynolds : Not sexual needs! Well, maybe those too, but personal. Professional. All that stuff that makes a person who they are. And until you -
[a police car pulls up next to them]
Burt Reynolds : Oops. Hang on!
[He sideswipes the police car, sending it flying and landing upside-down on top of another]
Sterling Archer : Holy shit! BURT REYNOLDS!
Burt Reynolds : Hey, if you just pay attention, you might just learn something here.
Sterling Archer : I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant throbbing erection!
[Burt brakes hard, causing Archer to slam his face on the dashboard]
Sterling Archer : OW!
Burt Reynolds : How 'bout now?
Sterling Archer : It's gone. I'm all ears.
Burt Reynolds : Good, because my point is - oh, wait, wait, you're gonna wanna see this!
Sterling Archer : See wh -
[He looks ahead; the car is speeding towards a very narrow alley]
Sterling Archer : No! BURT, NOOO!
[Burt laughs]
Sterling Archer : Please don't do this!
[the car hits a curb, flipping it sideways onto two tires]
Sterling Archer : OH, SHIIIIIIIIT!
[Burt slides the car perfectly down the alley and out the other side while the police cars pile up at the entrance]
Sterling Archer : My pants are now literally wet.
Burt Reynolds : And my point is, until you can look at your mother and see her not just as your mother, but as a person - a real person - you can't grow up.
[pause]
Sterling Archer : Huh.
Burt Reynolds : Food for thought. And if I were you, I'd come to terms with that, because I plan on seeing a lot of her. Oh, uh... by "a lot of her", I mean...
Sterling Archer : I get it! But I guess you're outta luck, because we had a...
[Burt points; Krieger's van and the Cuban hit squad are straight ahead]
Sterling Archer : ... bet. Goddamn it.
Burt Reynolds : Now whaddya say we have some fun?
Sterling Archer : [Holding up his pistols] Whatever.
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Malory Archer : Pick up, Sterling. Pick up, pick...
Sterling Archer : [On recording] Hello?
Malory Archer : Sterling, dear, it's me. There's...
Sterling Archer : Ha, voicemail. You know what to do.
Malory Archer : Oh, for God's sake.
Sterling Archer : Hello? Oh, man. Hold on.
Malory Archer : Sterling? Sterling, dear, it's me.
Sterling Archer : Hold on, hold on! Hang on!
Malory Archer : Pick up, Sterling. Pick...
[Vase smashes and cat meows]
Sterling Archer : I got it.
Malory Archer : Sterling?
Sterling Archer : Don't hang up!
[Pans clatter then answering machine beeps]
Sterling Archer : Hello?
Malory Archer : Sterling, it's...
Sterling Archer : Ha. Elaborate voicemail hoax. Leave it.
[Malory grunts and repeatedly slams the phone down]
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Sterling Archer : [to Burt Reynolds] I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant, throbbing erection.