- Pam Poovey: I, for one, am going to go watch Hooper and masturbate until my fingers bleed.
- Cheryl Tunt: [pause] Just tape 'em up.
- Burt Reynolds: You're kidding me...
- Sterling Archer: I know... drives me nuts... like the world's slowest elevator.
- Burt Reynolds: You should get a bat-pole.
- Sterling Archer: Nine thousand bucks.
- Burt Reynolds: What?
- Sterling Archer: Lowest quote I got.
- Burt Reynolds: Well, that's ridiculous.
- Sterling Archer: Basically just putting a pole where the garbage chute already is, but the co-op board was like, "But what do we do with the garbage?"
- Burt Reynolds: Yeah, but you could still throw it down the... whatever... the same shaft.
- Sterling Archer: I know!
- Burt Reynolds: And then you'll have some garbage to land on.
- Sterling Archer: If you're coming in hot, I know. It's a win-win.
- Burt Reynolds: And you were gonna pay for it yourself.
- Sterling Archer: Yep.
- Burt Reynolds: No assessment or anything.
- Sterling Archer: Yep.
- Burt Reynolds: Ridiculous.
- Sterling Archer: Preaching to the choir buddy.
- Sterling Archer: It's pretty hard to stay anonymous when you're the world's greatest secret agent.
- Burt Reynolds: Well, calling yourself that can't help.
- [while being chased by the cops at high speed]
- Burt Reynolds: Whoa! Now it's officially a chase.
- Sterling Archer: Hooray.
- Burt Reynolds: You know what your problem is?
- Sterling Archer: My pants are wet?
- Burt Reynolds: You only see your mother as your mother. But she's also a person. She has hopes, and dreams, and fears, and needs...
- Sterling Archer: Don't make it weirder!
- Burt Reynolds: Not sexual needs! Well, maybe those too, but personal. Professional. All that stuff that makes a person who they are. And until you -
- [a police car pulls up next to them]
- Burt Reynolds: Oops. Hang on!
- [He sideswipes the police car, sending it flying and landing upside-down on top of another]
- Sterling Archer: Holy shit! BURT REYNOLDS!
- Burt Reynolds: Hey, if you just pay attention, you might just learn something here.
- Sterling Archer: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant throbbing erection!
- [Burt brakes hard, causing Archer to slam his face on the dashboard]
- Sterling Archer: OW!
- Burt Reynolds: How 'bout now?
- Sterling Archer: It's gone. I'm all ears.
- Burt Reynolds: Good, because my point is - oh, wait, wait, you're gonna wanna see this!
- Sterling Archer: See wh -
- [He looks ahead; the car is speeding towards a very narrow alley]
- Sterling Archer: No! BURT, NOOO!
- [Burt laughs]
- Sterling Archer: Please don't do this!
- [the car hits a curb, flipping it sideways onto two tires]
- Sterling Archer: OH, SHIIIIIIIIT!
- [Burt slides the car perfectly down the alley and out the other side while the police cars pile up at the entrance]
- Sterling Archer: My pants are now literally wet.
- Burt Reynolds: And my point is, until you can look at your mother and see her not just as your mother, but as a person - a real person - you can't grow up.
- [pause]
- Sterling Archer: Huh.
- Burt Reynolds: Food for thought. And if I were you, I'd come to terms with that, because I plan on seeing a lot of her. Oh, uh... by "a lot of her", I mean...
- Sterling Archer: I get it! But I guess you're outta luck, because we had a...
- [Burt points; Krieger's van and the Cuban hit squad are straight ahead]
- Sterling Archer: ... bet. Goddamn it.
- Burt Reynolds: Now whaddya say we have some fun?
- Sterling Archer: [Holding up his pistols] Whatever.
- Malory Archer: Pick up, Sterling. Pick up, pick...
- Sterling Archer: [On recording] Hello?
- Malory Archer: Sterling, dear, it's me. There's...
- Sterling Archer: Ha, voicemail. You know what to do.
- Malory Archer: Oh, for God's sake.
- Sterling Archer: Hello? Oh, man. Hold on.
- Malory Archer: Sterling? Sterling, dear, it's me.
- Sterling Archer: Hold on, hold on! Hang on!
- Malory Archer: Pick up, Sterling. Pick...
- [Vase smashes and cat meows]
- Sterling Archer: I got it.
- Malory Archer: Sterling?
- Sterling Archer: Don't hang up!
- [Pans clatter then answering machine beeps]
- Sterling Archer: Hello?
- Malory Archer: Sterling, it's...
- Sterling Archer: Ha. Elaborate voicemail hoax. Leave it.
- [Malory grunts and repeatedly slams the phone down]
- Sterling Archer: [to Burt Reynolds] I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant, throbbing erection.