Modern Family (TV Series)

Me? Jealous? (2012)

Ed O'Neill: Jay Pritchett

Quotes 

• Mitchell Pritchett : Hey, Dad...

  Jay Pritchett : No need to talk about it. I was out of line comin' down there, won't happen again. Scotch is at the bar.

  Mitchell Pritchett : No, I've been giving this a lot of thought.

  Jay Pritchett : I guess we're gonna talk about it.

  Mitchell Pritchett : I was rude to you. I think I was just annoyed by all the lawyer jokes. I mean, let's be honest, you don't exactly beam with pride over what I do for a living.

  Jay Pritchett : Mockery is the sincerest form of flattery.

  Mitchell Pritchett : Pretty sure that's - that's not the saying, but, um, you know, Manny told me a story about his friend Danielle. Whew, she sounds like a real piece of work, by the way. But, uh, it made me realize that I take myself a little too seriously.

  Jay Pritchett : Listen, it goes without saying I've always been proud of you, and I brag about you all the time. So if I say 'What do lawyers use as birth control?' and the answer is 'Their personalities', I want you to know I'm not referring to you. You don't need any birth control.

• Cameron Tucker : Our house is being fumigated, so Jay and Gloria invited us to stay here for a few days. I am very excited to have 72 hours with this one.

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : We don't get to spend much time together. So I know that we're gonna be like, um... um...

  Cameron Tucker : Fred and Ginger?

  Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Who?

  Cameron Tucker : [beat]  Movie night!

  [Gloria and Cam both start squealing in excitement] 

  Jay Pritchett : It's noisier than usual around here.

• Mitchell Pritchett : Hey, Dad? Did you accidentally leave this hilarious book of lawyer jokes in the guest room?

  Jay Pritchett : I'll tell you if you can answer the following question: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

  Mitchell Pritchett : I don't know. What?

  Jay Pritchett : Well, one's a bottom-feeding mud dweller. The other's a fish.

• Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, that smells delicious, but nothing for me. I've got an early work lunch.

  Jay Pritchett : Really? I didn't hear an ambulance.

  [laughs] 

  Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah, it's funny because it's what I've dedicated my life to.