- Phil Dunphy: You can kiss my wife, you can take her to bed, but you cannot make her laugh.
- [Hears it]
- Phil Dunphy: I wanna go back. You can kiss my wife, but only I can take her to bed and make her laugh.
- [Hears it]
- Phil Dunphy: I wanna go back. Only *I* can take my wife to bed, comma, and make her laugh.
- Claire Dunphy: Recently, Haley got a little creative on one of her college applications and listed herself as a 'Big Sister'.
- Haley Dunphy: Technically, I *am* a big sister.
- Phil Dunphy: She capitalized the 'B' and the 'S'.
- Claire Dunphy: Which makes sense, 'cause it was.
- Phil Dunphy: So Claire and I suggested ...
- Haley Dunphy: Forced.
- Phil Dunphy: - that she volunteer for the organization. We couldn't be prouder.
- Claire Dunphy: We could. A little bit.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, Dad...
- Jay Pritchett: No need to talk about it. I was out of line comin' down there, won't happen again. Scotch is at the bar.
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, I've been giving this a lot of thought.
- Jay Pritchett: I guess we're gonna talk about it.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I was rude to you. I think I was just annoyed by all the lawyer jokes. I mean, let's be honest, you don't exactly beam with pride over what I do for a living.
- Jay Pritchett: Mockery is the sincerest form of flattery.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Pretty sure that's - that's not the saying, but, um, you know, Manny told me a story about his friend Danielle. Whew, she sounds like a real piece of work, by the way. But, uh, it made me realize that I take myself a little too seriously.
- Jay Pritchett: Listen, it goes without saying I've always been proud of you, and I brag about you all the time. So if I say 'What do lawyers use as birth control?' and the answer is 'Their personalities', I want you to know I'm not referring to you. You don't need any birth control.
- Claire Dunphy: What is wrong with you?
- Phil Dunphy: You laughed like it was 'Who's On First'.
- Claire Dunphy: What?
- Phil Dunphy: He's on second. Don't try to cheer me up.
- Alex Dunphy: So you're just kissing up to this guy for his money?
- Phil Dunphy: Not just, I really like him. He travels the world doing charity work, rock climbs, flies planes...
- Luke Dunphy: How does he have time to do all that?
- Phil Dunphy: Got divorced, and his whole life opened up. Guy's living the dream.
- [Claire gives him a look]
- Phil Dunphy: His dream. Not my dream. I'm living my dream. You're my dream.
- Claire Dunphy: You can stop.
- Cameron Tucker: Our house is being fumigated, so Jay and Gloria invited us to stay here for a few days. I am very excited to have 72 hours with this one.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: We don't get to spend much time together. So I know that we're gonna be like, um... um...
- Cameron Tucker: Fred and Ginger?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Who?
- Cameron Tucker: [beat] Movie night!
- [Gloria and Cam both start squealing in excitement]
- Jay Pritchett: It's noisier than usual around here.
- Alex Dunphy: What are you doing?
- Haley Dunphy: Helping my Little Sister with her homework.
- Alex Dunphy: That seems... mean.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, Dad? Did you accidentally leave this hilarious book of lawyer jokes in the guest room?
- Jay Pritchett: I'll tell you if you can answer the following question: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I don't know. What?
- Jay Pritchett: Well, one's a bottom-feeding mud dweller. The other's a fish.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ah, where did those come from?
- Manny Delgado: Yeah, I thought amaryllis were out of season.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, I got a guy. You know, I just thought they'd brighten up the house a little bit.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Oh, that was so thoughtful of you.
- [In cutaway interview]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I didn't realize that my house needed brightening up.
- Cameron Tucker: [Lily enters] There she is!
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Gloria, Gloria!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay! Let me fix your hair!
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, well, isn't that sweet?
- [In cutaway interview]
- Cameron Tucker: I didn't realize her hair was broken.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, that smells delicious, but nothing for me. I've got an early work lunch.
- Jay Pritchett: Really? I didn't hear an ambulance.
- [laughs]
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, it's funny because it's what I've dedicated my life to.
- Luke Dunphy: [When Haley and Alex are screaming at each other] Enough! Enough! I am so sick of you two fighting all the time! You're a bad big sister, and you're a bad little sister! And you're both bad big sisters to me! Be normaler.
- [goes back to his room]
- Haley Dunphy: Wow.
- Alex Dunphy: I've never seen him like that.
- Haley Dunphy: Well, we do kind of neglect him. And if you think about it, he is kind of *our* little sister.
- Alex Dunphy: Remember how we used to dress him up?
- Haley Dunphy: I miss her.
- Luke Dunphy: I hear you, and I don't like where this is going!
- Haley Dunphy: You get the lipstick, I'll get the bra and tennis balls.
- Alex Dunphy: [singsong] Betty Luke!
- Luke Dunphy: I will burn this house down!