The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The Friendship Contraction (2012)

Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sheldon Cooper : So, um. how are you?

  Stuart : Uh, not so good; my shrink just killed himself. Blamed me in the note.

  Sheldon Cooper : Great, great.

• Penny : I got some candles in my apartment.

  Sheldon Cooper : Candles, during a blackout! Are you mad! That's a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water & Power recommends the far safer glow stick.

  Leonard Hofstadter : You call that a glow stick?

  [Pulls out a glowing lightsaber replica] 

  Leonard Hofstadter : That is a glow stick.

• Sheldon Cooper : Now, put on your hard had and safety vest.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Oh, fun! I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of The Village people.

  Sheldon Cooper : You make that joke every three months; I still don't get it.

• Sheldon Cooper : My apologies. I would have been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.

• Sheldon Cooper : Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?

  Leonard Hofstadter : I don't know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes.

  Sheldon Cooper : Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship and strips down the Roommate Agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities, and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. "S'up?"

  Leonard Hofstadter : Where do I sign?

  Sheldon Cooper : Right here.

  [turns his tablet around] 

  Sheldon Cooper : Use your finger.

  Leonard Hofstadter : There, done.

  Sheldon Cooper : All right, that's it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story: You have not got a friend in me!

• Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California

  Sheldon Cooper : Yeah really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?

• Sheldon Cooper : Two years ago, after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus, but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.

• Leonard Hofstadter : It's just a blackout. I'm sure the power'll be back on soon.

  Sheldon Cooper : And I'm sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.

• Sheldon Cooper : He'll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark; he's going to be bored out of his mind.

• Sheldon Cooper : I'll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness, unsatisfactory; follows direction, barely; attitude, a little too much. Overall, not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else's day.

• Sheldon Cooper : I was just sitting at home, thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favorite person.

  Stuart : Ninth?

  Sheldon Cooper : You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates.

• [first lines] 

  [Sheldon sounds a virtual klaxon in Leonard's bedroom] 

  Leonard Hofstadter : Yahhh! What the hell!

  Sheldon Cooper : Emergency preparedness drill.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Oh, no, come on!

  Sheldon Cooper : You know how it works. Once a quarter; keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine sleepyhead, half the town is probably dead.

  Leonard Hofstadter : I have to get a lock for my door.

• Sheldon Cooper : [to Amy]  You're my girlfriend and you're not going to cater to my every need? Oh, where'd the magic go?

  Penny : Sheldon, that's not what girlfriends are for. Although, you don't use them for what they're for, so what do I know...

• Sheldon Cooper : An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames, the streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice!

• [During a blackout Leonard and Penny start to make out. Sheldon walks in unannounced] 

  Sheldon Cooper : Excuse me, Leonard.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Since when DON'T you knock? It's like the only good thing about you!