User Reviews

What if David DeCoteau - yes, the director of A Talking Cat!?!, Prey of the Jaguar, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and the utterly baffling Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper directed a family-friendly holiday movie? Alright, I have no idea what that'd be like, but sure. Let's do that.

What if Chris Mitchum played Santa? Yes, Chris Mitchum from Aftershock, The Day That Time Ended, Faceless, Bigfoot and Alejandro Jodorowsky's Tusk. I see you starting to get a bit weirded out, but let's press on.

So who do we get for Mrs. Claus? Well, Cynthia Rothrock, of course. Yes, the hard fighting star of China O'Brien, Honor and Glory, Rage and Honor and plenty more straight to video karate epics.

Honestly, what am I about to watch?

Let's go one better. This movie was made in the exact same house as A Talking Cat!?!

They may have also shared the same budget, which was probably catering. Which was probably Jack in the Box.

Yeah, Mary Crawford may be the name in the credits, but this Santa movie is all the work of David DeCoteau. It feels the most porn holiday film I've ever seen without actual penetration. I mean, that wouldn't do for this, a movie that's trying to be kid-friendly and feels holiday destroying.

And is that Gary Daniels I spy? Kenshiro from Fist of the North Star? In a Christmas movie? Wait! Martial artist Daniel Bernhardt, who was Alex Cardo in the second and third Bloodsport films? Surely we're going to see fisticuffs and people go mano y mano, right?

Nope. They're going to play croquet.

This is a Christmas movie not set at Christmas, replete with public domain holiday songs and Lucas-like wipes that use Google Images clip art. It's as if it were edited in iMovie - I know it surely isn't, it couldn't be - but almost as if a family made this movie and sent it my way to drive me insane before the holidays and seasonal depression have their way with me in a threeway so rough that it had to be shot by Max Hardcore.

Gary (Daniels) is a workaholic married to another workaholic named Sadie, who is stranger still played by another world class asskicker, five-time would kickboxing champion Kathy Long. I mean, she's known as The Punisher and the Queen of Mean. She played Fros-T in the aforementioned Rage and Honor. And why is she and her husband and their kids getting in a van and driving through some magical fog on their way to discover Santa's Summer House?

Then there's a caterer named Constance - what is it with DeCoteau and catering characters!?! - who bullies an orphan named Molly into giving up being a photographer.

Somehow, Robert Mitchum, the man who made The Night of the Hunter, one of my all-time favorite films, gave birth to the man who would play Santa here. Santa, who sits in a hot tub and just drops hints about what he does and none of the martial artists can pick up the sledgehammer obviou clues because they're all too busy playing a game of croquet that may still be going on now, nearly eight years after this movie supposedly stopped filming.

As for Santa, all he wants to do is chill. He has like a month he works a year and it's so much effort that he spends eleven months watching TV and just schvitzing in the hot tub. Chill, out Santa. Run, run Rudolph. And hey - for all the cookies Mrs. Claus cooks, she seems to be keeping in pretty decent shape. Must be all the times she kicks dudes in the head.

Every holiday season, I discover one movie that makes me at once fall in love and desperately hate the holiday. This year, Santa's Summer House is that movie. Watch it at your own peril, because trust me, this one will own you.

DeCoteau also directed Christmas Spirit and The Great Halloween Puppy Adventure, two more holiday films. If you don't think I'm going to hunt those down right now, you may have never been to our site before. I mean, Eric Roberts and a Halloween puppy? Come on. I'm not made of stone.

True story #1: I once had the wild idea of writing a Dukes of Hazzard script where Japanese businessmen try to buy out Hazzard County from Boss Hogg, who of course gets swindled himself. Ninjas would get invovled - of course - and Cynthia Rothrock would play a new Duke cousin who was in the army and had learned how to fight overseas. Obviously, I went to art school. Anyways, imagine my surprise when Ms. Rothrock showed up in 1997's The Dukes of Hazzard: Reunion! The moral: Sometimes, the universe listens to you.

True story #2: Cynthia used to be married to her kung fu instructor Ernest Rothrock. The guy owns schools all over Pittsburgh, including one I drive past every single day. When I was a kid, I dreamed that Cynthia was really at these schools and would teach me the ass kicking powers I needed to decimate the bullies who made my life hell. The moral: Instead of dreaming, I turned to Satan and got my revenge Trick or Treat style. Thanks, Sammi Curr!

I'll try and remain impassive as I write this review, but know that it was written under a drizzling cloud of disappointment. You see, having martial arts stars Cynthia Rothrock, Gary Daniels, Daniel Bernhardt, and Kathy Long - along with the added bonus of Western staple Chris Mitchum - together in the same movie would be a genuine dream come true, but only if it were a genuine action flick. It's no good to dwell on things that never were, but I spent the entire movie thinking how much cooler it would be if they were all fighting each other. It would certainly have been more entertaining, because SANTA'S SUMMER HOUSE is far from a new Christmas classic.

The story: A mysterious fog brings a van of vacationers to an isolated villa on the sunny California coast, where a jovial couple (Mitchum and Rothrock) offer them shelter. As it becomes clear that their hosts are none other than Mr. and Mrs. Claus, the guests are given the opportunity to address the personal problems that have troubled them for years.

To be certain, there is not one lick of action the film: no shootouts, chase scenes, explosions, or kickboxing of any kind. As odd as it is to see any of these stars in an entirely thrills-free movie, it's not entirely unexpected. For years, Rothrock and the like have spoken about their desire to branch out into other genres, and the family-holiday category was apparently among these. While this isn't a very positive review, know that the picture is at least better than the previous film Cynthia Rothrock did with director David DeCoteau (alias Mary Crawford). For all its faults, SANTA'S can at least keep its plot rolling and create the impression that it's building towards a worthwhile climax.

The acting is on the poor side. Daniels and Long do reasonably well and generate believable emotion in their roles as a troubled couple. Bernhardt's got more energy than anyone, but he loses the fight with the screenplay that turns him into an obnoxious jerk. Rothrock attempts to be wholesome and jolly but often comes across as a Stepford wife. Mitchum's incredibly forced "ho ho ho!" is painful to listen to. Supporting stars Elijah Adams Jessica Morris and Rachel Rosenstein don't elevate the standard by much.

The screenplay's pretty disappointing for its quantities of unnatural dialogue ("I was born to be embarrassed!"). Most of the individual conflicts likewise seem forced, with Jessica fretting that sister Rachel isn't growing up fast enough and getting upset that she practices photography. At one point, a game of croquet lasts for an uninterrupted eight minutes without any integral dialogue or development. Luckily, there are at least some nice moments near the end of the movie, (SPOILER) when Santa Mitchum gets his guests to confront their problems by having them read their old Christmas letters.

Technically, the feature toes the line between making the best use of its limited resources and just not looking very good. Expect to see a cheap budget reflected in the movie's production values, with corny transitional sweeps, time-killing environmental shots, blue filters instead of nighttime lighting, and the fact that the entire soundtrack is comprised of instrumental versions of holiday tunes that get quite old after a while.

In the end, this odd experiment is tolerable for 90 minutes but completely unworthy of that commitment. Aside from the fact that I still wish I could see these performers together in an action feature, their collaboration just doesn't amount to the kind of magical whimsy that one finds in the best Christmas movies. I do admire them setting aside the expectations of others to do a project that they wanted to, but man, I wish it could've been with a bigger budget and a better director.

ABSOLUTELY DREADFUL! Only for those who like their sweetness and light movies. What a load of 5th rate codswallop!! Who comes up with these kinda boring, teeth-grinding rubbish!?? Its so sloooooow, so corny, cheesy, and sooooo badly acted, scripted, and everything else inbetween. Santa and Mrs Claus are awful!! Far from any Santa and Mrs, anyone could imagine! So many movies are made like this one, dozens of cheapies every year ~ It just makes you want to barf!! I call them Christmas Goody Soapies for the Brain Dead!! Don't waste your precious time on this cr*p! These kind of movies should all go into a bin, pour petrol over them and set them alight, burn them to ashes for goodness sake... get rid of them!! Sooooo sad that money is spent on this visual diarrhea!

The premise: a bunch of unsatisfied people get lost on the way to a resort, and end up at the same mansion featured in "A Talking Cat?!?". While they stay there, Santa and his wife teach them the real meaning of Christmas, despite it being high Summer. Add to that the fact that several of the cast of this sedate tale are primarily known for high-octane martial arts flicks, and this could really have been awful. In reality, it is quite enjoyable. The standard of acting is mixed, but the enthusiasm is there. Daniel Bernhardt has one of the better roles, playing a sarcastic engineer. He and Cynthia Rothrock (as Mrs Claus) seem to be having the most fun. Being a David DeCoteau movie, there are some scenes of shirtless men, but unlike some of his output, that isn't the entire premise of this film. In fact, it is all in context. The croquet marathon... well yes, that could have been heavily edited. But overall, this is neither a masterpiece nor the car-crash one might expect. Mildly preposterous but genuinely likeable.

If it is your Christmas wish to see a film where the special effects consists of cheesy Xmas decorations doing screen wipes, two martial artists not doing martial arts and a guy who randomly just bellows, "HO HO HO!" at the top of his lungs, this is the movie for you! I honestly do not think there are too many people who wanted or asked for this movie, but there ya go. A very drab one location film where not a lot happens and where only the minimal Christmas decor is used, this is Santa's Summer House!

The story, a van full of people gets lost and ends up at a mansion by the ocean. I honestly thought they were somewhere a bit exotic, but they are just in Southern California. The van driver got lost due to a mysterious fog and a family comes out of the van confused by the strange mansion. Only, they are actually like three groups of people who apparently talked not at all in the van because they only start introducing themselves after they are welcomed by Cynthia Rothrock to the strange summer house. These guests are lucky, when people are usually invited to stay at a stranger's house in a movie it tends to go very badly. Not that this is a super fun time as we watch them play croquet, be all upset and be generally awful people. I was so Cynthia would kick some butt to liven things up and make these drones act with a bit more emotion!

The casting is just bad as Cynthia is the only one doing a goodish job, but she does nothing cool. What makes this worse is we also have Daniel Bernhardt, the Van Dame lookalike from Future Wars also in the film and he has no acting ability and he too does nothing of the martial arts variety. Why have either of these two in your Xmas movie if you are not going to utilize what they are known for? The parents in the film both act as if they are on some really powerful sedatives, their boy an over anxious dweeb. We have a really mean blond who bosses her sister around and the sister lets her and Santa just lets out Ho Ho Hos at times that are disturbingly awkward. These insufferable people will have to carry a film with little else to it other than interactions between the characters...yikes!

So, it is bad, you get no kickboxing or anything. You get a lot of awkward conversations and you get a lot of looking at the clock wondering when the film will be over or if there will be time for another croquet match. Santa is busy trying to get gifts for these people and at one point we learn he did not give a gift to one of the people that would have made the guy less of a prick because the toy that he wanted as a child did not exist. Um, I thought Santa made toys...so couldn't he make anything? Proves my theory that Santa is all corporate now, doesn't even employ elves, but just takes goods from the lowest bidder!

Anyone for a quick round of croquet? Gotcha! Whether it's the first class acting or the amazing storyline (amazing is an understatement) there is something for everyone in Santa's Summer House. Although a couple of editing tweaks may be necessary, SSH still remains our favourite part of Christmas. Our personal highlights include: Tess the dog, especially her incredible role in the hot tub scene; the heart-warming personal discoveries made and of course, Sadie's fringe. One slight improvement could be made, 9 minutes of croquet really isn't enough - the art-house camera angles should be given more air time. The film is also educational, warning young children of the dangers of gambling. One thing that worries us - there definitely wasn't enough parrrsta to feed everyone. Finally, we'd like to send a personal congratulations to Daniel Bernhardt, never have such difficult lines been learnt so well, he could convince anyone that he really is a rocket scientist. Santa's Summer House, you lost me at toothpicks.

Legendary director David Decoteau, mastermind behind films like 90210 Shark Attack, Bikini Goddesses, Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island and the incredible Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama trilogy brings the world another 100 million dollar budget Hollywood blockbuster. Unfortunately Santa's Summer House was a wee bit disappointing. It wasn't the killer action movie that was advertised and I was hoping for.

It stars 5 of the most legendary action stars ever: Daniel Bernhardt from John Wick, Atomic Blonde, Matrix Reloaded and Bloodsport 2/3/4.

Gary Daniel's from The Expendables, Tekken, Fist of the North Star and The Legend of Bruce Lee.

Cynthia Rothrock from Undefeatable, Mercenaries, Tiger Claws, Lady Dragon and Martial Law.

Kathy Long and Chris Mitchum also did a bunch of martial arts films

On a long car ride to a resort, our group teleports to Santa's summer house and is greeted by Mrs Claus played by Cynthia with an Oscar worthy performance. They end up celebrating Christmas during the summer... picking names for gifts out of a hat, truly enjoying each others company.

To my surprise the movie lacks any brutal fight scenes what so ever however it had a CRAZY 20 minute boys vs girls croquet match with killer Christmas music playing in the background like Jingle Bells. And the girls won. No way! Now the boys have to do the dishes!

Well eventually Santa shows each person old letters they wrote to him as kids and it brings the family together better than ever. A truly heartwarming experience that would put even the most bad a$& dude to tears.

Santa's Summer House, although lacking the action scenes it so blatantly advertises, is a powerful, special effects ridden, high budget masterpiece that'll keep you on the edge of your seat all 90 minutes! It's on YouTube.