- CeCe does not want to admit she cares for Schmidt, so she tells him to date her gorgeous model roommate. He does, but then she gets jealous. Jess meets Russell's first wife and does not think she matches up to Ouli who seems so exciting.
- Up on the roof, Nick thanks everyone for being there on this momentous day. It's been a rough year, he got dumped twice, opened himself up to love and closed himself off again.
He's decided to give up on women and put all that energy into -- tomatoes! They're disappointed. "You know what, it was on us for thinking this wasn't going to be stupid," Winston says.
Nick sees hope in each of their relationships, including Jess with Russell, the man Nick could see himself growing old with. "Russell, you've got a great looking face. That jawline could cut glass," Nick says.
He tries to water his tomatoes but the can breaks and crushes them. He doesn't care, he's betting on him.
Schmidt visits Cece. Her Russian roommate Nadja announces, "Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex!" Schmidt points out they've barely spoken since he nearly impregnated Cece. She wonders if the whole thing is too intense and maybe they should stop.
Schmidt says OK, if that's what she wants. Then Nadja pipes up that she'll go out with him instead. Cece starts to say no, but Schmidt says yes, if that's what Cece wants.
At the loft, Jess describes running into Russell's ex Ooly at Russell's gym. Jess was wearing a polka dot bikini and ran into naked Ooly in the steam room. Ooly gave a full-frontal hug.
"It was really foggy, and I kept making eye contact with her nipples and then I panicked and invited her to dinner with Russell and me tonight," Jess explains.
Ooly is like a looming presence between them and she just wants to deal with it, even if Ooly isn't Russell's favorite person. Jess says she's really good at dealing with divorced people.
Flash back to Jess' parents fighting when she was young and Jess trying to diffuse with Cheap Trick's "Surrender:" Mommy's alright, daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird....
Out at the restaurant, Ooly asks about the quesadillas, but pronounces them with a castillian "th", earning an eye roll from Russell. And so it begins.
Russell and Ooly start arguing about a vacation they took and how Russell did or didn't get lost. Jess tries to focus on the food but soon they're standing up yelling at each other.
Jess breaks into Cheap Trick. Russell and Ooly stop arguing but then stare at each other lustily.
Later, Jess tells Cece about the heat between them. Schmidt comes out of his room and Cece tells him Nadja is looking forward to her date with him.
Up on the roof, Nick waters his tomatoes by spitting water on them. Winston talks about Shelby's cat. Birds circle and Nick screams at them. Winston brings it back to Shelby.
On his date with Nadja -- dinner in the apartment -- she lists what she likes about America, including: salad bar, "Despicable Me," David Fincher, Connect 4, sidewalk, Leon J. Pannetta. She segues to offering they do a sex party on his face.
At the gym, Ooly tells Jess she can't be in the same room with Russell without them wanting to rip each other's faces off. She compares it to standing on the bow of a catamaran, except you're naked and getting splashed with spray and you're on fire. She gets pumped up and turned on. Jess tries to relate.
"I'm just like, Russell, put away the passion and show me a moderately good time," Jess says.
On the roof, Nick builds a scarecrow. Winston asks him to keep it down because he and Shelby are trying to "make love."
Nick is annoyed and Winston asks if he's allowed to be happy. "You're allowed to be happy, but it's really annoying the way you're doing it," Nick says.
Nick yells that he doesn't care about Shelby and that he used to be Winston's Shelby. Nick drives him off with a pitchfork, telling him to get off his farm.
Jess and Russell sit on the couch reading and she asks if she does stuff that annoys him. He mentions her eyes bugging out and how she squats when she thinks. She does both and gets in his face, trying to annoy him. She yells at him to show her the passion. Then flings coasters at him under he finally asks what's going on.
Something's missing and she didn't realize it until she saw he and Ooly nearly strangle each other. "You want me to treat you like my ex-wife, who I hate?" Russell asks. She wants the spark. He says passion is over-rated. She asks him to take her home.
Nick brings his scarecrow downstairs and bashes it. "What is this, Martin Scorcese's 'The Wizard of Oz?'" Winston asks.
Nick apologizes, but then says they used to be miserable together. Once they pooled their money and bought an online dating profile. The ladies did not dig "Ninston."
Winston urges him to not give up and tells him how calling Shelby out of the blue paid off.
Cece comes home and asks Nadja about her Schmidt date. She says "small man go to hospital." Cece rushes off.
Russell takes Jess home. He tells her he's done the explosive passion thing and being with Ooly was like getting closer and closer to a wood chipper.
She tells him she wants passion even if it's harder. So that's it. They say good-bye (but not before Jess mistakes the seat adjuster for the door handle and leaves in a final moment of embarrassment).
Cece rushes to visit Schmidt and starts to apologize to him. Then she sees the ice pack on his junk. He says things got a little out of control with Nadja and he broke his penis.
"There was a moment where it was like watching myself, watch myself. I think I finally understand what 'The Tree of Life' is about and I cannot be sure, but I am almost certain Nadj'a vagina contains a right angle," he says.
Cece is upset and finally tells him she doesn't want him to be with anyone else because she likes him. He clarifies that she likes his personality. "I was surprised, too," she says.
She kisses him. But his injury kicks in. "Oh my god, my penis is having a heart attack! Don't touch me!"
He yells at her to leave, admonishing her for bending over in yoga pants. He calls for a nurse, preferably a male heavyset one. "Describe it to them as a battered highway cone," he says.
Jess comes home and sees Caroline walk out of Nick's room in her shirt only. Caroline goes to the bathroom and Jess yells at Nick, reminding him they had a terrible relationship and he only thinks it's right because he doesn't have the courage or the patience to be alone.
She storms off, yelling at him for making terrible life decisions. She says she's disappointed in him and tells him to put on his flannel and keep not living up to his potential.
Soon they're yelling at each other and she's saying she doesn't want to look at his face. So he offers his rear and then they're yelling and waggling their behinds at each other. "I'm winning this moment!" he shouts.
Up on the roof, Winston tries to glue a tomato on the plant to fool Nick. Schmidt wonders if it will work. "When it comes to tomatoes, no one in the world knows less than Nick," Winston points out.
Schmidt ices his junk. He can't have any excitement for eight weeks or he's in excruciating pain. Winston tests him. "Boobies. Girls with clean hair," he says.
Schmidt squirms as he's turned on and proclaims it the least fun game they've ever played. "Models eating sliders, Bernadette Peters on a high beam, freshly baked bread...."
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