- Jay Pritchett: I've always seen life like a series of doors. Sometimes you get to choose the door you go through; sometimes you don't get that choice. But you still gotta walk through it. So either you can go through kicking and screaming, or walk through with your head held high. And since I don't get to choose the door I'm about to go through, I just pray it's a healthy, happy kid. And a boy.
- Luke Dunphy: He's having an ass-ectomy. I hear things.
- Haley Dunphy: You're getting your tonsils out?
- Alex Dunphy: Ugh! This family needs a dumbass-ectomy.
- Cameron Tucker: [Pulls out a small mermaid tail costume] Does this look like the work of an unfulfilled slacker?
- Mitchell Pritchett: A mermaid costume?
- Cameron Tucker: Hand-sewn from my own design. Have you ever stitched lycra? It's like sewing water, Mitchell.
- Mitchell Pritchett: It looks a little small for Lily.
- Cameron Tucker: It's not for Lily. It's for the cat. It's a mermaid costume for the fat.
- [Realizes and starts crying]
- Cameron Tucker: My master project... it's a mermaid costume... for a cat!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Estupid dry cleaners! They shrink my clothes!
- Jay Pritchett: Might be time for maternity wear.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Are you crazy? I'm barely showing.
- Jay Pritchett: Sweetheart, your shirts barely fit *before* you were pregnant.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: And I never heard you complain.
- Jay Pritchett: [Picking Phil up for his vasectomy] Let's go! Chop chop!
- Phil Dunphy: Seriously? Chop chop?
- Jay Pritchett: Oh, right.
- [laughs]
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, my god, what is that outfit? Are you going Goth? You still sleep with a stuffed panda.
- Alex Dunphy: Don't you have a fraternity to pass out in?
- Jay Pritchett: I'm having a baby at 65. You want another surprise, Gloria? Buy yourself a box of cracker jacks.
- Jay Pritchett: Just get in the car.
- Phil Dunphy: And what, get spayed like a common schnauzer?
- Jay Pritchett: You get fixed, you're a man.
- Phil Dunphy: I just want to remain one!
- Jeoux: Longe, I'm getting a protein shake.
- Longinus: Okay. Mitchell, this is Jeoux.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hi. Oh, just 'Joe'?
- Jeoux: Yes, Jeoux. J-E-O-U-X.
- Mitchell Pritchett: There it is.
- Jeoux: Oh, is this the Mitchell you're helping out because he wants his boyfriend to get a job?
- [Mitchell and Longinus wave their hands to indicate he should stop talking]
- Jeoux: I don't know what you're doing. Should I wave? Did your boyfriend take the job?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Cam comes out of a dressing room] Oh, my God! That looks so good on you, Cam!
- Cameron Tucker: Don't even. It is everything I can do to not create a scene right now. You will pay for this. Mnh.
- [Storms out with the short still on, sets off the alarm]
- Cameron Tucker: And this.
- [Dramatically takes a scarf and wraps it around his neck]
- Cameron Tucker: And this.
- Alex Dunphy: What's with all the yogurt?
- Luke Dunphy: Shh! Durkas has been breaking into my locker. But I've got a little revenge planned.
- Alex Dunphy: Sorry. I just remembered I don't really care.
- Longinus: So? What do you think?
- Cameron Tucker: Finally, a store that sells shirts men actually wanna wear.
- Longinus: Thank you. Look, holla if you need me. We're a little shorthanded today.
- Mitchell Pritchett: What happened to J'Marcus?
- Longinus: Don't ask. She's a j'mess.
- Luke Dunphy: [Claire has accidentally set off the yogurt trap in his school locker] Mom?
- Claire Dunphy: Luke!
- Luke Dunphy: What are you doing?
- Claire Dunphy: I was dropping off your science project.
- Luke Dunphy: Not to my locker! When are you ever gonna stop embarrassing me?
- Alex Dunphy: Mom, what are you doing here?
- Claire Dunphy: I am changing my shirt. Why aren't you at school?
- Skylar: Mrs. Dunphy, we just...
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, no, you don't get to talk, Morticia.
- Alex Dunphy: Okay, we cut last period - big deal - because we're shaving the backs of our necks, which is totally a style. But of course, now you're going to freak out like you always do about every little thing.
- Claire Dunphy: Let's do it.
- Skylar: What?
- Claire Dunphy: [Takes the razor] Yeah. Yeah. Let's shave up some heads. Come on. Who's first?
- Alex Dunphy: Uh, okay. Okay, mom, we... we don't need you to do that.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, are you afraid?
- Alex Dunphy: I'm not afraid!
- Claire Dunphy: Then let's do this. It's shaving time. Shavy gravy. Shaved by the Bell.
- Alex Dunphy: Why are you talking like Dad?
- Claire Dunphy: Hair up, girls! Let's see some napes. Come on. Let's -
- [Razor accidentally catches in Skylar's hair]
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, God, no!
- Alex Dunphy: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Claire Dunphy: What did you do?
- Skylar: What did *you* do? I have my sister's wedding on Saturday!
- Claire Dunphy: I'm so sorry!
- Alex Dunphy: Uh, Skylar, wait!
- Claire Dunphy: I could-I could- I could even that up for you
- Skylar: Stay away from me, both of you!
- Alex Dunphy: Ugh! You ruined my life!
- Receptionist: Is there a Phil Dunphy here?
- Jay Pritchett: I'm his father-in-law. He's gonna need a moment. Is there anything I could fill out for him?
- Receptionist: Not unless you want the vasectomy.
- Jay Pritchett: Where were you six months ago?
- Receptionist: Barbados. Now I really need to speak with the patient.
- Jay Pritchett: Got it. Phil, get over here. Phil?
- [Turns around and sees he's gone]
- Patient: He just ran ou-
- [Groans in pain]
- Jay Pritchett: You know what could do wonders for your business here? A recovery room.
- Haley Dunphy: You didn't send the little green jacket?
- Claire Dunphy: Honey, I am not doing this again. It took me an hour to mail that package before. I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.
- Haley Dunphy: Stop smiling. It's not that clever.
- Claire Dunphy: It is clever, and there's no way I'm going back there today.
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, my god! I hate you so much!
- Claire Dunphy: [Phone beeps] Oh, sorry, that's your father. Gotta go!
- Phil Dunphy: Claire, where are you?
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, honey, I just had a hellish experience at the post office. I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.
- Phil Dunphy: Nailed it.
- Jay Pritchett: Phil, what's scaring you here? That people are gonna think less of you as a man?
- Phil Dunphy: No, I'm afraid it's gonna hurt.
- Jay Pritchett: That's what this is about?
- Phil Dunphy: Wait, people think that? That you're less of a man? That never even occurred to me.
- Jay Pritchett: Look, nobody's gonna think less of you. And it hardly even hurts!
- Phil Dunphy: I'm unusually sensitive down here. I can't go in certain jacuzzis.
- Jay Pritchett: I'm gonna be with you the entire way. Plus, it's the *fear* of pain that's always *more* than the actual experience.
- Phil Dunphy: That's easy for you to say; you're not afraid of anything.
- Jay Pritchett: Of course I'm afraid of stuff!
- Phil Dunphy: Like what?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Cam, the only reason I tried to get you that job is because you've been seeming a little... unfulfilled.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, what, and you thought you'd fix me by turning me into some common shopgirl?
- [Pulls a suitcase out of the closet]
- Mitchell Pritchett: You're not going anywhere. We have a daughter.
- Cameron Tucker: It's not for me. It's for you.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Cam, I'm not go...
- [Grabs the suitcase and feels the weight]
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, well, that's packed.
- Cameron Tucker: Yeah, and if you're going someplace cool, I have a winter one packed as well.
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, I'm not going anywhere! And I should be able to talk to you about these things!
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, what things? How empty my life is? You know, you have no idea what I do around this house every day. I shop for food, I pay the bills, I maintain the house, I grocery shop.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Same as shopping for food.
- Cameron Tucker: And still I have enough time to work on my master project. And you never ask me what my master project is.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Because you told me not to ask!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny, you don't seem so happy. You usually love it when I pull you out of school to play hockey.
- Manny Delgado: A, it's 'hooky,' and B, don't ever take me out of school to play hockey.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Did something bad happen at school?
- Manny Delgado: They fired the music teacher.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Mr. Hideo Namagachi?
- Manny Delgado: That, you say perfectly.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny, don't worry. He'll find another job.
- Manny Delgado: But what about me? I've been buttering up Mr. Namagachi for years. He was gonna give me the lead in the school musical, 'Oliver!'.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It is not all over.
- Manny Delgado: [Enunciating] "Oll-iv-er."
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny... you are a very talented boy. You're gonna find plenty of music teachers to put butter on.
- Manny Delgado: But what if I can't? I don't want to spend my last year of middle school in the chorus.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Maybe I can help. Maybe when they pick the new music teacher, I'll go and I'll flirt a little bit with him, you know?
- Manny Delgado: Hey, Mom, since we're just talking here, about your shirt...
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Warningly] What about my shirt?
- Manny Delgado: [Losing nerve] Nothing! I just noticed you got some, uh, some pizza... on the ice cream on it.
- Dr. Barksdale: That's a healthy baby.
- Jay Pritchett: Hold on.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: What?
- Jay Pritchett: Is that a license plate and a hubcap? You know, like in 'Jaws'?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I never saw it.
- Dr. Barksdale: I saw it, but I don't remember a scene with a hubcap in a pregnant woman.
- Jay Pritchett: Ah, forget it.
- Jay Pritchett: What's the matter? Are you nervous?
- Phil Dunphy: I'm not nervous. May-maybe you're the one who's nervous. You ever think about that?
- Jay Pritchett: Okay.
- Phil Dunphy: [laughing nervously] "Nervous."
- Jay Pritchett: Okay.
- Phil Dunphy: Okay.
- Jay Pritchett: Because if you've had a change of heart...
- Phil Dunphy: I haven't had a change of heart. Maybe you had a change of heart, but I'm totally pumped. Pump, pump, pumped. Pump up the jam in my pumped-up... kicks. Pumpty-dumpty. Pumplestiltskin.
- Jay Pritchett: Because they do this kind of thing all the time, and in about an hour, you're gonna be wanting to ride a horse.
- [Awkward pause as another patient stumbles by, groaning in pain]
- Receptionist: Me. Dunphy, can you please come to the desk?
- Jay Pritchett: [Phil doesn't move] What's the plan, Phil?
- Phil Dunphy: Just sit here. I'm just gonna sit - I'm gonna sit a bit. Sitting pretty.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Since Lily started kindergarten, Cam's had a lot of free time. Now, I-I'd like to suggest he go back to work, but... historically, uh, that has proved to be a sensitive topic.
- Cameron Tucker: [Flashback]
- [On the phone]
- Cameron Tucker: We sent those adoption papers to Vietnam last summer! No, thank *you* very much, and please remember my tone, not my words.
- [Hangs up]
- Cameron Tucker: She said it could take up to nine months to get a baby. It's inhuman!
- Mitchell Pritchett: Is it? Don't - I-I know it's frustrating, but maybe instead of driving yourself crazy waiting for the phone to ring, you could go back to work.
- Cameron Tucker: Excuse me?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Jokingly] Get a job!
- [Chuckles nervously]
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, it-it'll help you take your mind off the baby.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, what, because I'm a big, giant freeloader?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Actually, I think I laid out the reasons pretty clearly...
- Cameron Tucker: No, I think you pegged me. Bone lazy. Just like on the farm - first to bed, last to wake up in the morning. You know what? Why don't you call my dad, and you two can gab all night about what a teat-sucking layabout I am?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, I think I might have paddled into some deeper waters here.
- Cameron Tucker: [Getting a suitcase out of the closet] What, you think I sit around all day? Well, I'm not sitting now.
- Mitchell Pritchett: What's happening? You keep a packed suitcase?
- Haley Dunphy: Mom shaved Skylar's head? That's hilarious!
- Alex Dunphy: It's not gonna be so fun the next time she bothers to show up for school.
- Haley Dunphy: [Claire enters behind Alex, but stays hidden] What do you care? You know you don't even like her.
- Alex Dunphy: I don't. Skylar's awful. Mom actually did me a huge favor.
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, my God, do not tell her that. She will never shut up.
- Alex Dunphy: I know. Remember when you admitted that you didn't hate that James Taylor concert she dragged you to?
- Haley Dunphy: She was unbearable! 'I told you!'
- Haley Dunphy, Alex Dunphy: 'He's got the voice of an angel!'
- [Both laugh]
- Haley Dunphy: She's such a nerd. I kind of miss her, though.
- Longinus: I'm telling you, it is so hard to find someone who knows clothes and is good with people.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well, I wish I knew somebody.
- [Pointedly looks at Cam]
- Longinus: Oh, my god. Wait a second. Cam? You wouldn't think about taking the job, would you? Do you realize how perfect you'd be?
- Cameron Tucker: Well, yes. Um, but I-I...
- Longinus: You'd only work part-time. You'll get employee discounts on the clothes. Stop me if I'm wasting my breath.
- Cameron Tucker: Well, I don't know. What do you think, Mitchell?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well, I-I would miss having you around the house, but, you know, if... if it's something that you love...
- Cameron Tucker: Mulling.
- Mitchell Pritchett: You know what? It was nice of you to offer, but he should probably think about it.
- Cameron Tucker: I'll do it!
- Mitchell Pritchett: Really?
- Cameron Tucker: Yep. Just until he can find somebody to replace me, and good luck with that. Oh, and I don't fold.
- Phil Dunphy: We-We've been talking about doing this for a while.
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah. Yeah, ever since Dad and Gloria had their little accident, we don't need any surprises.
- Phil Dunphy: Also, though, it will allow for a little more freestylin' in the boudoir if we're not having to worry about adding more critters.
- Claire Dunphy: More importantly, it is an essential part of our five-year plan.
- Phil Dunphy: Oh, the five-year plan. Talk about the-the Rosses.
- Claire Dunphy: The Rosses. Okay, the Rosses are this couple we have known forever, and... they were never able to have kids, so we always felt a little...
- Phil Dunphy: Jealous of them.
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah.
- Phil Dunphy: I mean, we love our kids, but John and Chrissy can travel...
- Claire Dunphy: They're always tan. Did you know that Chrissy is eight years older than me?
- Phil Dunphy: I would have said eight years younger. There's just a spark in her that - well, look who I'm talking to. You used to have it.
- Claire Dunphy: Wow. It's like you don't even hear...
- Phil Dunphy: The point is, as long as we don't have another baby, that life is ours in five years when Luke goes off to college.
- Claire Dunphy: Or somewhere.
- Phil Dunphy: [Claire opens the privacy curtain] Ohh! It's you. I thought it was the guy coming to shave me.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, good, they haven't started.
- Phil Dunphy: He had a little piece of bloody toilet paper on his neck. It was disconcerting.
- Manny Delgado: You were kind of hard on that cinnamon bun guy.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Did you hear what he said to me?
- Manny Delgado: 'Congratulations'?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: He thinks I'm pregnant! That is an insult when the person doesn't look it.
- Manny Delgado: Mom, wait. You need to hear this. You are pregnant, and you look it.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Gasps] I hope that this new one has some good manners!
- Manny Delgado: Mom, stop! I-I know this whole thing is a little scary for you. Last time you were pregnant, you kinda did it alone 'cause Dad wasn't around much. But this time, you have two partners.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: That's sweet. And so are you. Especially with a little bit of sugar in your face. Let me see.
- [Wipes it off and tastes it]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Mmm!
- [Buttons on her shirt pop off]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay! What happened?
- Manny Delgado: Your shirt couldn't take it any more!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: The stupid dry cleaners!
- [Tries to find the buttons]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: W-Where is it?
- [Bends over; pants rip too]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, no!
- Manny Delgado: You're running out of arms, Mom! A maternity store's right over there!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Another pop] Ahh!
- Manny Delgado: What was that?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I don't know, but let's go!
- Jay Pritchett: Look... you remember before, when I told you I was wanting to know the-the sex of the baby... for practical matters? Well, that wasn't true. I'm kind of afraid of having a girl.
- Phil Dunphy: Give me a break. That's not a thing. You'd just rather have a boy. Everyone would rather have a boy.
- Jay Pritchett: No, I'm actually scared. I get boys. It's girls; they're-they're complicated. Half of Claire's childhood, I did everything I could to try to turn her into a boy.
- Phil Dunphy: Well, whatever your issues were, you and Claire are good now.
- Jay Pritchett: Yeah, but I may not get that kind of time with this new one, and I can't screw it up. I don't think I'm sensitive enough to raise a girl.
- Phil Dunphy: Jay, you're being sensitive right now. I mean, I was pretty hysterical, and you calmed *me* down. I-I don't think you're the guy you used to be.
- Jay Pritchett: So you're saying that if I can deal with you, then I can handle... any other little girl?
- Phil Dunphy: I think I'd put it a-a little differently.
- Jay Pritchett: No, but I mean, I-I-I think that's right. Thanks. We gonna do this?
- Phil Dunphy: Promise me it's not gonna hurt that much?
- Jay Pritchett: Tiny, little pinch.
- Phil Dunphy: I built it up in my head, didn't I?
- Jay Pritchett: Totally.
- Phil Dunphy: And I can still achieve a-a full and satisfying...
- Jay Pritchett: You know what? We had a nice little moment here. We don't have many of those. I think I'm gonna commemorate it.
- Phil Dunphy: Okay.
- Jay Pritchett: All right? So, sit up straight. There you go. No, no, arms down. Uh, better arms down.
- Phil Dunphy: All right.
- Jay Pritchett: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Relax. There you go. Perfect.
- [Takes a picture of Phil on a bus bench, perfectly blocking the words to read 'Not a Real Man']
- Phil Dunphy: Can I get a copy?
- Phil Dunphy: Oh, there'll be a lot of copies.
- Phil Dunphy: [laughing] Honey, look what Manny just sent me.
- Claire Dunphy: [On her phone] Hang on one sec. Okay.
- Phil Dunphy: [Shows her a picture of Gloria splitting her pants] Is that the funniest thing ever?
- Claire Dunphy: [laughs] Oh, yeah.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh... oh, my gosh. Mitchell, come here. You have to see what Claire sent us.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [On his phone] Okay, wait. One... one second. Okay.
- Cameron Tucker: [Shows him the picture of Phil on a bench reading 'Not a Real Man'] Is that hilarious?
- Mitchell Pritchett: That's great!
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, Phil.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, this is embarrassing.
- Jay Pritchett: [Sees a picture of Cameron and their cat in its mermaid costume] I don't know how comfortable I am with this guy teaching our kid.