Modern Family (TV Series)
Open House of Horrors (2012)
Julie Bowen: Claire Dunphy
Photos
Quotes
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Claire Dunphy : How's your open house?
Phil Dunphy : Pretty empty, actually. I kind of just took it out on a Harry Potter. Seriously, though, a Gryffindor letting his mom carry his Quidditch broom? How Hufflepuff is that?
Claire Dunphy : It's pretty lonely here, too. We have been shunned by the whole neighborhood.
Phil Dunphy : That's ridiculous. All over some mild little gag you pulled?
Claire Dunphy : It was not mild. There was an investiga...
Phil Dunphy : Shh! Oh, I-I thought I hear someone. I guess it was just trees tapping against the window. It's pretty creepy over here in this rattly old house.
[Claire gets an idea]
Phil Dunphy : Anyway, I'll probably give it another 30 minutes, then I'll see you at home.
Claire Dunphy : Okay. Bye.
[Hangs up and snickers]
Alex Dunphy : What are you laughing about?
Claire Dunphy : Oh, it's just your poor dad, you know. Your poor, dumb dad.
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Phil Dunphy : Okay, Claire, they're gone. You can come out now. Claire? Honey, I'm sorry I said you weren't scary. It's been such a long day. Can we please just go home?
[the wind whistles and the power goes out]
Phil Dunphy : All right. I'm leaving without ya.
[TV turns on, but there's only static]
Phil Dunphy : So... *this* remote you know how to use.
[Turns the TV off; the phone rings and he drops the remote; slowly goes to answer it]
Phil Dunphy : Yes?
Claire Dunphy : Phil, where are you?
Phil Dunphy : Claire? Where are you?
Claire Dunphy : I came over to scare you, but then I heard you showing the house to that couple, so I got out of your way.
Phil Dunphy : Are... you at home?
Claire Dunphy : Yeah, I got here ten minutes ago.
Phil Dunphy : S-so... so you're saying... this call isn't coming from inside the house?
Claire Dunphy : What are you talking about? Just get home, the kids and I are hungry.
Alex Dunphy : Yeah, hurry up, Dad!
Luke Dunphy : We miss you!
Phil Dunphy : ... miss you too, Buddy...
[Hangs up the phone; heads to the door but is distracted by a thump upstairs; walks into the bedroom to grab his keys on the bed]
Alex Dunphy : [Grabs his foot from under the bed] Ah!
Phil Dunphy : Aah! Aah!
Luke Dunphy : [Jumps out from the closet] Trick or treat!
Phil Dunphy : Aaah!
Claire Dunphy : [Jumps up from the bed] Aah!
Phil Dunphy : AAAHHH!
Phil Dunphy : [Cutaway interviews] I wasn't really that scared.
[Claire smirks at him]
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Claire Dunphy : I know it's lame, but after last year, we promised the neighbors we would keep our decorations more family-friendly.
Alex Dunphy : We can't even carve a pumpkin?
Claire Dunphy : The petition was very specific.
[Cut to interviews]
Claire Dunphy : Every Halloween, we have the best house. Last year, I took things to a whole new level. But apparently, it was too scary for some kids. And one adult.
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Claire Dunphy : What do you mean I'm not even scary? I literally almost scared the life out of a man.
Phil Dunphy : You literally scared a little saliva and a little urine out of him. That happens to me every time I see a monkey wearing people clothes.
Claire Dunphy : I was plenty scary. I used professional-grade makeup.
Phil Dunphy : That's the point, Claire. It was overkill. You're the kind of person who can be twice as scary without wearing any makeup.
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Phil Dunphy : I don't care what anyone says, you did not give that man a heart attack.
Claire Dunphy : Thank you!
Phil Dunphy : I mean, you're not even scary. Can I grab a little bit of this candy for my open house tonight?
Claire Dunphy : Oh, yeah, sure, but...
Phil Dunphy : [Taking a few pieces, then a handful, then emptying the contents into his bag] It's genius. An open house on Halloween. Millions of bored parents just trying to keep their... kids out of traffic. Now they can get away from that all *and* see a nice house.