Modern Family (TV Series)
Open House of Horrors (2012)
Ed O'Neill: Jay Pritchett
Photos
Quotes
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Jay Pritchett : No offense; you don't need that siren. You could stop traffic just getting out of that squad car.
Police Officer : License and registration, please.
Jay Pritchett : I, uh... I'm no stranger to the police academy myself. Seen all seven of 'em.
Police Officer : Sir, no one's seen all seven. Is this information accurate?
Jay Pritchett : Yeah. Uh, except for the weight. I thought they wanted to know how much I could curl.
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Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : What is it with me lately? Manny's right. I'm such a hothead.
Jay Pritchett : It happens. You're pregnant.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : That's what it is, isn't it? It's the baby. It's angry in there.
Jay Pritchett : No!
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Yes! You just said it yourself. I have changed. I have an angry baby inside of me making me do bad things!
Jay Pritchett : It's just hormones. It's your Mama Bear instinct kicking in. And that's a good thing, because that means you're gonna be a great mom. Again.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Do you really think so?
Jay Pritchett : You got a lucky little kid in there. He's got a mom who's not gonna let anyone harm him.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Or her.
Jay Pritchett : Or... or him.
Skeleton , Lemon : [Monotone] Trick or treat.
[Gloria gasps and gestures to Jay]
Jay Pritchett : [Tosses Gloria an egg] Go ahead.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [Chases Skeleton and Lemon] You better run!
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Sam : I noticed you walking in with your wife earlier. She's stunning.
Jay Pritchett : You know my favorite part of that compliment? You knew she was my wife. Half the world thinks she's my daughter.
Sam : Well, if you ask me, she's a lucky girl. Bummer for me, though. Handsomest man in here and he's taken.
Jay Pritchett : I'll bet you do all right with the boys.
Sam : I do. It's the men I'm interested in.
Jay Pritchett : You just put it all right out there, don't you?
Sam : I always try to hold a little something back.
Cameron Tucker : [Sees them talking] Oh, my gosh.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [Stops him] No, no, no, no, no, no. Leave him.
Cameron Tucker : No, but you know that's a...
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : I know. He needs this.
Cameron Tucker : Okay.
Sam : It was great meeting you, Jay.
Jay Pritchett : You, too, Sam.
Cameron Tucker : Wow. Looks like somebody really likes you.
Jay Pritchett : What can I say? I still got it.
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Steven : [to Gloria's costume] *That* is hilarious. I love when people put some thought into their outfit. Illegal alien, sugar daddy.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Why do you say 'illegal'?
Steven : Because antennas are alien, and you're...
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : What? Illegal? Because of the color of my skin? Why don't I dump your baby in your gas tank?
[Pokes Steven's bag of sugar]
Jay Pritchett : Gloria! Uh, no hard feelings, please. Just enjoy the party, okay?
[to Gloria, aside]
Jay Pritchett : First of all, relax. We're at a party. Secondly, you've been deported twice. You're not *allowed* to be that defensive.
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Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Just saying that we could have caught those kids.
Jay Pritchett : What, and chase them around all night? I'm not a young man anymore, as the world keeps pointing out.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : What did that waiter just call you outside?
Jay Pritchett : Medieval Knievel.
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Jay Pritchett : I've been meaning to ask you, have you lost some weight? 'Cause you look good.
Cameron Tucker : Wow, you have no idea what that means to hear from you, Jay.
[Tries to hug Jay]
Jay Pritchett : Uh, turn it that way.
Mitchell Pritchett : I thought this might cheer you up.
Lily Tucker-Pritchett : [Dressed as Tattoo] Da plane! Da plane!
Jay Pritchett : [laughs] Baby girl.
Cameron Tucker : Ohhh! Look at you. You even taught her the catchphrase.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah.
Cameron Tucker : Hey, Jay, have you seen my new Tattoo?
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Jay Pritchett : Hey, you never told me if you hit those kids with that egg.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : They blended into the crowd, but there was a slow one with them. He couldn't run so fast, and I nailed him pretty good.
Reuben Rand : [in a bathroom with Manny, who has egg in his hair] I warned you.
Manny Delgado : Okay, Rueben.
Reuben Rand : Where are your cool friends now? Not Q-tipping your ear, that's for sure.
Manny Delgado : Okay, Reuben!
Reuben Rand : This is why I never hang out with cool kids.
Manny Delgado : Yeah, you rejected them, shortly after you and your mom roller danced at the talent show.
Reuben Rand : Oh, we were robbed.
Manny Delgado : Couldn't have been the song you picked. 'Wing Beneath My W-'
[Reuben jobs him with the Q-tip]
Manny Delgado : Ow!
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Jay Pritchett : What was that?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Some rude dummies, that they think that they can ...
Jay Pritchett : All right, listen. Let's just calm down. Get ready for the party.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Calm down what? Huh? You think I'm a hothead like Manny?
Jay Pritchett : No!
[Something hits the front door; Gloria goes to look while Jay walks upstairs]
Jay Pritchett : You can be emotional. Volatile, maybe. Still, that's a far cry from ...
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [Sees egg on the door] You put egg on my house, I KILL WHAT YOU LOVE!
Jay Pritchett : --psycho.
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Jay Pritchett : I must be getting rusty with my moves.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Moves? What moves?
Jay Pritchett : You know, flash the baby blues, hit 'em with a devilish grin. In case of emergency, break glass and bust out the dimple.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Hey, isn't that one from the smallpox?
Jay Pritchett : 'Cause I'm a hundred. Chickenpox. And it doesn't matter where it's from. It always worked.
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Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Jay, you have to get ready for Mitch and Cam's party.
Jay Pritchett : Gloria, does my skin look looser to you?
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : What?
Jay Pritchett : Maybe I should try some of that fancy neck cream of yours. Don't you have some with specks of diamonds in it or something?
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Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Manny, why are you coming back from school so late?
Manny Delgado : I got sent to the principal's office.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Oh. I am sending him an angry e-mail, because I don't like when...
Manny Delgado : No, no, no. It's not his fault.
Jay Pritchett : What did you do wrong?
Manny Delgado : Nothing.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : Oh, that's it. I'm calling him. I hate when he tries to...
Manny Delgado : Nothing on purpose. It was between periods, right before this big test. I was clearing my mind by practicing some of my Gene Kelly dance moves.
Jay Pritchett : [Sarcastic] As one does.
Manny Delgado : Right. And my umbrella accidentally snagged the fire alarm. The principal thought I did on purpose so we'd miss the test.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : But you didn't! That's it! I'm going to his house!
Manny Delgado : Mom! You gotta stop doing this. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy, which we both know isn't your fault-
[Gives Jay a dirty look]
Manny Delgado : -but lately you've been such a hothead.