Otherwise known as Land of the Pharaohs in the UK, and also starring and being co-produced by very handsome hardcore porn star Priya Rai, Land of the Pharaohs has only two really good things about it, and you probably already know what they are. Rai, playing Isis, is very hot in this, but her acting, ah not so much. Not laughably terrible, just meh. No fear though, this film displays plenty of cinema terriblé to keep the entertainment value surprisingly consistent.
Our special experience starts off in the temple of Quake running on Windows XP with Isis and the other guy i wasn't into kissing and doing some incest stuff. Then, some guy with a Jesus tattoo on his shoulder dismembers Isis' brofriend with all the power of a two second cutaway and we are only six minutes into this.
The rest of the film plays out like a slasher film combined with a mummy film.
The setting is a utility room in an Arizona museum.
The cast is every slasher stereotype in the book, half-assedly realised by their greenhorn cast.
The murder set pieces were created by M.S Paint, a guy who never seems to be out of work.
This is an exceptionally cheap and amateurish production which makes The Asylum look like Universal Pictures, looking like a wood rocket film and nudity is severely lacking. And to be a coomer again about it, what little we do get is quite exceptional. Who cares though, all but three minutes of this film is just a nothing burger. The production quality is so low, it achieves an intimate atmosphere in the way Cassevete's film's tended to do.
However, unlike Cassevete's films, the acting is crap and the storytelling is threadbare to say the least and serves only to build up the mystic of Priya Rai's Isis. Again, very sexy, very fitting for the role, but she can't act her way out of a paper bag and regardless, all the time spent telling Isis' story was time that could have been spent, oh i don't know, telling this film's story!
What else is there to talk about? The 2003 rendering, the literal cardboard sets, oh and my old friend of course, long, awkward shots of people talking within interiors no larger than my bedroom. Land of the Pharaohs is good for those who actively seek out the worst of what direct to dvd cinema has to offer. It's frugal, it's boring, it's technically inept, and ultimately, retains a degree of psychotronic charm. If only there was only more softcore nudity, I would feel more comfortable recommending this. but the awful pacing wins out on this one and for certain damns this film to the realms of obscurity.
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