Modern Family (TV Series)
Yard Sale (2012)
Eric Stonestreet: Cameron Tucker
Photos
Quotes
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Claire Dunphy : [about Alex's 'gay' boyfriend] If she wants to get her heart broken by a gay guy, she can do so when she's 18 or 19 and can drink her way through it.
Mitchell Pritchett : Aw. You're a 'good mother.'
Claire Dunphy : Mm-hmm.
Cameron Tucker : I don't know, Claire. You could be wrong. Boys aren't as concerned about traditional masculinity anymore. You know, they're not butching it up. They're not pushing down their feelings.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah, they care about their clothes.
Cameron Tucker : Mm-hmm.
Mitchell Pritchett : They-they-they groom.
Cameron Tucker : Mm-hmm.
Mitchell Pritchett : Everybody's hairless. Yeah, you can't tell anything anymore.
Cameron Tucker : Mm-mm.
Claire Dunphy : Really?
Alex Dunphy : Oh. Hey. Hey. Uncle Mitch, Uncle Cam, this is Michael.
Mitchell Pritchett : Hi!
Cameron Tucker : Hello.
Michael : [Effeminately] Hi.
Alex Dunphy : [Leading him away] Okay, come on.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yep, he's gay.
Cameron Tucker : We stand corrected.
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Cameron Tucker : Now I feel terrible. These feelings would go good with pie.
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Claire Dunphy : There he is! Sweetheart, do you love it?
Phil Dunphy : No, Claire, I do not love it.
Claire Dunphy : Oh, that's too bad, 'cause you look so cool on that.
Phil Dunphy : [Getting off the motorcycle and revealing he's missing a pant leg] Do I, Claire? Do I really?
Claire Dunphy : What happened?
Phil Dunphy : It's a long story. Check your inbox. But suffice it to say, I'm not buying that motorcycle.
Claire Dunphy : Uh-huh.
Phil Dunphy : I know what I am, Claire. I'm not a rider. I'm a strider. I hope that's sexy enough for you.
Claire Dunphy : Well, I can see stuff.
Phil Dunphy : Yeah, I know. I can feel air on it. It's not like I have another pair of pants.
Mitchell Pritchett : [Gives him a pair of Cam's pants] Well, today is your lucky day. It's for a good cause.
Cameron Tucker : You might need a belt.
Phil Dunphy : Oh, I doubt it. I bet we wear the same size.
Cameron Tucker : Don't do that.
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Claire Dunphy : Okay, I just saw Alex and Michael... 'sittin' in a tree'. Don't make me spell this out for you.
Mitchell Pritchett : Well, what can you do?
Claire Dunphy : *I* can't do anything, but you two could talk to her.
Mitchell Pritchett : And tell her what?
Claire Dunphy : Michael's playing for the pink team.
Cameron Tucker : Okay, we get to say that. You don't really.
Claire Dunphy : I know, because you have credibility, and I have the opposite of credibility. I have... I am a mother.
Mitchell Pritchett : Okay, we're not doing this. No.
Cameron Tucker : Well, now, hold on just a minute. You now, when I was... young and straight, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rock star. I'm not proud of it.
Mitchell Pritchett : Ah, you're kinda proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations. He brought it up yesterday.
Cameron Tucker : Okay, how am I supposed to talk into a dry cleaner and *not* mention my girlfriend Wendy Jo Martinizer?
Claire Dunphy : Can we get back to my problem?
Mitchell Pritchett : You don't have a problem, okay? They're kids. They're gonna work it out.
[Walks away]
Claire Dunphy : [Lowered voice] Can you talk to her?
Cameron Tucker : Not when she's like this. Oh, you mean Alex. Yeah, I'll do it.
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Cameron Tucker : Well, well, well. What's this all about? Is there a-a new man in Alex's life?
Claire Dunphy : Well, *she* certainly thinks so.
[Lowered voice]
Claire Dunphy : Is there any way that boy is straight?
Mitchell Pritchett : Ooh, what's going on? Who are we looking at?
Claire Dunphy : Uh, it's Alex's new 'boyfriend' Michael.
Mitchell Pritchett : What's up with the air quotes?
Cameron Tucker : [Lowered voice] She thinks he's gay.
Claire Dunphy : I 'think' he's gay the same way I 'think' that lamp is hideous.
Cameron Tucker : Okay, brought it, made it in art class.
Claire Dunphy : Look, I like Michael. I really do. I just-I don't want her to get her heart broken. When it comes to boys, her self-esteem is low enough as it is.
Cameron Tucker : I don't know. Alex seems pretty darn tough.
Claire Dunphy : Oh, she's just sarcastic on the outside. Inside, she's just a fragile little girl.
Mitchell Pritchett : By all means, look right at me when you say that.
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Cameron Tucker : J'accuse!
Mitchell Pritchett : I'm sorry. One more time?
Cameron Tucker : It's just a dramatic way of accusing you of stashing my fat pants in a bush! Saboteur!
Mitchell Pritchett : That's a second way.
Cameron Tucker : How... could... you?
Mitchell Pritchett : And a third.
Cameron Tucker : Why, Mitchell? Why?
Mitchell Pritchett : Cam... oh, come on. All right, the... this is a little hard to say, but... every time you get rid of these pants, you have to buy them all over again, and you get depressed, all right? This is just a way to have a safety net.
Cameron Tucker : I can't have a safety net, Mitchell. Otherwise, I won't be successful and keep the weight off. Have you ever thought of that?
Mitchell Pritchett : No. No, I didn't.
Cameron Tucker : You know, you're not the only one who remembers all the times I failed.
Mitchell Pritchett : You're right. I-I should support you more. I'm-I'm sorry.
Cameron Tucker : I'm happy to hear you say that.
Mitchell Pritchett : Well, I'm happy you're happy.
Alex Dunphy : Well, I hope you both are happy. Michael's not gay. Now he hates me. Thanks a lot.
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Alex Dunphy : Ugh, stop, I get it. I know what you think about Michael, Mom. You didn't have to bring your big gay guns to back you up. No offense.
Mitchell Pritchett : None taken.
Cameron Tucker : I kinda like it.
Claire Dunphy : Okay. Honey, I am worried about you. I don't want you to get hurt.
Mitchell Pritchett : I told them that this was a bad idea, all right? You know, maybe Michael's gay. Maybe he's not. He is. Your mother just wants you to have all the information so that-that you can go slow.
Alex Dunphy : Uncle Mitchell, he's straight. We kissed.
Mitchell Pritchett : Oh, honey, I... I kissed a lot of girls when I wanted to be straight. And your Uncle Cam kissed some, too, he says. But that's neither here nor there. What's important is that you make your own-
[Alex walks away]
Mitchell Pritchett : Where-wait, where are you going?
Alex Dunphy : It's not the olden days anymore, you guys. I can just ask him.
Claire Dunphy : Ohh.
Mitchell Pritchett : Hope you're happy.
Cameron Tucker : I'm not. That 'olden days' comment was like a punch to the gut. She may as well have spray-painted it on my daddy's barn.
Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah, I'm done with this.
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Mitchell Pritchett : Well, we ruined Alex's life, by the way.
Claire Dunphy : I don't know. She looks okay.
Cameron Tucker : [Sees Alex with Michael] Oh, looks like they made up.
Claire Dunphy : Hmm. If she would just listen to me, I could help her avoid so much pain.
Mitchell Pritchett : Give it a rest. She's 14, all right? No matter who that boy is, he's not gonna last.
Claire Dunphy : Mm, you're right.
Cameron Tucker : Well, at least with a gay kid, you know she's gonna get a great flower arrangement. Should've seen the one I made Annabelle. Arranged it myself. It was gorgeous... til she pulled it apart and spelled 'homo' on my porch.
Claire Dunphy : This doesn't make me feel any better.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett : [Brings out Uncle Grumpy] Gather around, everybody. I want you to meet somebody.
Claire Dunphy : Oh, but that might.
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Cameron Tucker : You know, Alex, you and Michael remind me so much of me and my first girlfriend, Annabelle Pickett.
Claire Dunphy : Huh. You had a girlfriend? Oh.
Cameron Tucker : Yeah. Cutest girl in Sunday school, too. So, one year, I asked her to go to the church bazaar lip sync contest with me, and we did our version of 'Endless Love', which was ironic, because two weeks later, I fell head over heels for a young square-jawed rodeo ticket-taker named Woody Ray.
Claire Dunphy : Oh, no.
Cameron Tucker : Of course, she was devastated, just destroyed her. And then she spray-painted something unrepeatable on my daddy's barn and never spoke to me again.
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Manny Delgado : Remember, everyone, this is for charity. Every dollar we earn helps a diseased child, a starving child, an abused child. Now have fun!
Cameron Tucker : Speaking of starving children, here's my contribution - six pair of jeans that don't fit me anymore because I've lost 25 pounds. That's, like... one, two, three children's bowling balls.
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Mitchell Pritchett : C-Cam, are-are you really getting rid of all of these? I mean, they're almost new. It's... well, what if you, um...
Cameron Tucker : What if I what, Mitchell? Put the weight back on?
Mitchell Pritchett : No! No.
[Chuckles awkwardly]
Mitchell Pritchett : No, what if you-you think of some creative art project that requires denim? You know, something farm, or Kelly Clarkson-themed?
Cameron Tucker : I've already done so much with that motif...
Mitchell Pritchett : Yeah. Yeah.
Cameron Tucker : You know what? No, sell 'em! I wanna purge, which, for the record, is not how I lost this weight.