- Jake Harper: I've been, uh, thinkin' about names for when Tammy and I have our first kid... If it's a boy, what do you think about Walden Harper?
- Alan Harper: I like it.
- Walden Schmidt: No!
- Jake Harper: Fine. Then I guess it's down to either Alan, or Xiang Xiao.
- Alan Harper: Xiang Xiao?
- Jake Harper: Yeah. I've gotta be ready, Dad. They say one out of every three babies born is Chinese.
- Jake Harper: All right, there's a 24-hour chapel in Vegas. If we hurry, we can get there before it closes.
- Alan Harper: I'm nervous about meeting Jake's girlfriend. I mean, he's obsessed with this woman. It's like he's been brainwashed by some cult.
- Walden Schmidt: [at first not really listening carefully] What guy hasn't... I'm sorry, you said 'cult'. Ahhh.
- Alan Harper: [talking with Tammy, Jake's 36-year-old girlfriend] I don't understand why you're with Jake.
- Tammy: I'm with him because I care about him. I mean, he's sweet and kind and funny... and I don't know when the last time you had sex with a 19-year-old boy was, but it is a *lot* of fun. And then, eight minutes later, it's a *lot* of fun again.
- Alan Harper: Umm, I'll - I'll - I'll take your word for it.
- Alan Harper: Jake, this gnocchi is amazing.
- Jake Harper: Yeah. I like to make it 'cause it sounds like 'nookie'. Get it?
- Alan Harper: I do.
- Jake Harper: Not as much as I do!
- [he high-fives his girlfriend, Tammy]