- Alex Dunphy: Sanjay Patel and I have to dissect a pig today.
- Haley Dunphy: Is that what passes for a date with you?
- Claire Dunphy: Hey!
- Alex Dunphy: He just asks me to hand him the instruments. He thinks of me as a nurse.
- Luke Dunphy: That sounds more like one of Hayley's dates.
- Phil Dunphy: Claire, before you say no...
- Claire Dunphy: No.
- Phil Dunphy: But you haven't seen it yet.
- Claire Dunphy: I'm sticking with no.
- Phil Dunphy: Luke, you clean the bathroom.
- Luke Dunphy: How come I have to do the bathroom?
- Alex Dunphy: Because you always mess it up?
- Haley Dunphy: Yeah. Why can't you pee straight?
- Luke Dunphy: Hey, I'm doing a great job from that far back.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, we can't be the parents of a six-year-old who got a hundred dollars from the tooth fairy.
- Mitchell Pritchett: It's bad enough we're the parents of a six-year-old with a clutch.
- Cameron Tucker: Hey, that clutch transitions from day to night seamlessly, and now I don't have to carry crayons in my front pocket.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I'm not having this argument again.
- Phil Dunphy: Say, you're home early.
- Claire Dunphy: I quit. That man was a pig. He treated me like a servant. Had no respect for me at all.
- Phil Dunphy: Honey, I'm so sorry.
- [They hug]
- Phil Dunphy: You deserve so much better than that.
- Claire Dunphy: Thank you.
- Phil Dunphy: So, what's for dinner?
- [Claire walks away insulted]
- Phil Dunphy: You may have heard wrong. I said "What's for dinner?"
- Claire Dunphy: I heard it!
- Phil Dunphy: History is full of great rivalries. Athens versus Sparta. Harding versus Kerrigan. Gil Thorpe versus Phil Dunphy. He's the Tonya to my Nancy.
- Phil Dunphy: I'm using my veto.
- Claire Dunphy: Veto? You don't get a veto.
- Phil Dunphy: You veto me all the time.
- Claire Dunphy: That's because you're ideas are dumb.
- Phil Dunphy: Name one!
- Phil Dunphy: [to camera] That went on for a while.
- Claire Dunphy: And let's not forget shower snacks.
- Phil Dunphy: I can't be the only one who gets hungry in there!
- Phil Dunphy: We'll just have to tell her she can't work for this guy. He's Gil-ty of being a Thorpe on my side.
- Luke Dunphy: You're trying too hard.
- Phil Dunphy: I know.
- Jay Pritchett: I have a character in a bind.
- Manny Delgado: What did he do?
- Jay Pritchett: He told his wife he could write a book.
- Phil Dunphy: I retract my veto.
- Claire Dunphy: You never had a veto.
- Phil Dunphy: Yes, I did.
- Claire Dunphy: No, you didn't, and here's why.
- Phil Dunphy: [to camera] And that went on for a while.
- Claire Dunphy: And finally, we would be having this conversation in a yurt.
- Phil Dunphy: It's the perfect structure!