Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Jurassic Park (2013)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Robert Muldoon, Mosquito #1

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, Goldblum, or the Wizard of Uhs as I like to call him, wasn't a complete unknown before this flick. But he became a household name after it became a hit, and people fell in love with his performance. And at the time, it was kind of charming. People never heard this kind of performance in a blockbuster film before. But once we discovered that he fell in love with his performance even more than we fell in love with his performance to a point where he never wanted to leave that performance, we do end up asking ourselves how the fuck did we ever like this performance to begin with?

• Nostalgia Critic : So we start out in Spielberg's favorite place to go in all of his movies: Spotlight Fetish Land. Yeah, I don't know if you noticed, but this guy is obsessed with shining spotlights in your face as much as humanly possible. Every frame feels like a whimsical police interrogation.

• [Referring to Dr. Ellie Sattler's terminal case of mumbling] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Did she eat an ice cream scoop of peanut butter before coming to the set?

• Dr. John Hammond : I mean, let's face it, in your particular field, you're the top minds.

  Nostalgia Critic : NC: Yes! You have no idea how computers work...

  [showing Grant smacking a computer] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ...and you study ancient plant life...

  [showing Ellie studying a leaf] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ...clearly, nobody would be more qualified.

• Nostalgia Critic : Which one's Grant? Oh, he's the one in blue. Which one's Hammond? Oh, he's the one in white. Which one's the a-hole everyone will fall in love with until they realize he's just gonna do that one note for the rest of his life until they want to dig their brains out with a fork because he's so goddamn irritating? That's the darkly dressed evil one known as Jeff Goldblum.

• Mr. DNA : A hundred million years ago, there were mosquitoes just like today. After biting a dinosaur, the mosquito would land on the branch of a tree and get stuck in the sap. The tree sap would get hard and become fossilized, just like a dinosaur bone, preserving the mosquito inside...

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, even if you were to buy this half-assed science that even Donatello would call a little suspicious, what are the chances of finding tons of mosquitoes not only millions of years old, not only having bitten every popular dinosaur to be marketed, but also all happened to get stuck in tree sap? Did they all happen to be in the same nest during the Great Sapalanche of Gajillion BC?

• Dr. Alan Grant : You bred Raptors?

  Nostalgia Critic : Ah, so he can't identify the dinosaur from his trademark make-kid-wet-pants speech, even when he's holding the damn thing right in his motherfucking hands. Great job picking those top minds you were talking about there, Hammond.

  John Hammond : Spared no expense.

• John Hammond : This park was not built to cater only for the super rich. Everyone in the world has the right to enjoy these animals.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, everyone should be allowed to fly their personal helicopters to their Hawaiian islands after getting storm insurance. We're looking after the little guy.