- Prince Achmed: It is I that will be doing the fucking today!
- Tall Soldier: That's right, bring Achmed his tiger and nobody gets hurt.
- Ja'far: Be wary of young boys who whip out their songs. A song is often a prelude... to a dick. A song is a dick in sheep's clothing!
- Prince Achmed: I did not fuck a tiger! One was set upon me! That darn cat tore right through the seat of my pants and grabbed a hold of my woody.
- Sensitive Soldier, Small Soldier, Tall Soldier: Tiger fucker, tiger fucker!
- Prince Achmed: No, no, no, my Woody! Look!
- [pulls out a Woody doll]
- Prince Achmed: His arm is all fucked up. And now... now he can't come with me to cowboy camp!
- Ja'far: You must forgive our princess, she is youthful, but... well meaning.
- Prince Achmed: [scoffs] Do not feed me a shit and call it couscous, Ja'far.
- Confident Hunter, Amputee Pirate Captain, Sea Witch, Jilted Witch, Scarred Lion: [Villians chanting] I only wished, I only wished, I only wished, I only wished!
- Puppy Killer: [Cruella appearing] I only wished to have a coat made out of puppies!
- Confident Hunter, Amputee Pirate Captain, Sea Witch, Jilted Witch, Scarred Lion, Ja'far: [Everyone yelling at Cruella] Just leave! What's wrong with you? Get out! That's insane! Why would you do that?
- Sherrezade: Once upon a time, in a far away land, there was a magic kingdom that prospered through its commitment to two simple ideals: Duty and Devotion. The 2D's.
- [first lines]
- Gazeem: I walked right into his shop, and I fucked his puppy.
- Ja'far: [horrified] What?
- Gazeem: [laughing] Ja'far! That is another common expression. Yeah! It means that I put that merchant in his place as *if* he were a defenseless little puppy.
- Ja'far: Oh. Oh... colorful expressions in the marketplace these days.
- Ja'far: [reading] By royal decree of the Sultan and his executive branch, the entire 2D department is to be disbanded. All 150 of its members are to be sacked.
- Captain: Mm-hm. We put them in burlap sacks and beat them until they were dead.
- Ja'far: But those were men and women of talent and quality! All those masters of craftsmen just thrown right out the window!
- Captain: [nodding] Out of the highest window of the western tower.
- Aladdin: But she's the princess. To even stand a chance, I'd have to have enough money to like, hire an army of assassins to kill the royal vizier and all the palace guards. Then I could sneak in and, you know, pork her. 'Cause dude, once I get my mind set on a chick, I just can't move on. Until I get this nut out.
- Ja'far: Well first you must escape the Tiger Head Cave with your life.
- Ja'far: [yelling] Then you can get your nut out!
- Ja'far: [ominously] Your eternal nut out.
- Aladdin: Nice.
- Aladdin: Knock, knock, knock. Did somebody order a prince?
- Princess: [gasps, checks hand where she wrote his name] Aladdin!
- Aladdin: How the fuck did you know it was me?
- Princess: [confused] Because it *is* you, you're just wearing different clothes.
- Aladdin: Wow. Pretty *and* smart. You're the whole shebang, babe.
- Ja'far: Okay Jesus Christ, I have no idea what is going on, but you're in no position to be handling that knife or this lamp!