- [Haley and Alex have to flee and angry mob of kids seeking Santa Claus at a mall]
- Haley Dunphy: We need to change into our regular clothes and sneak out. Who am I kidding? My eyes are unforgettable.
- Manny Delgado: [about getting a Christmas tree] This is taking forever.
- Jay Pritchett: It's supposed to. Took my dad and I all day to get a tree. And when he finally brought her down, he used to celebrate with a cigar. I was just a kid, so I'd have a cigarette.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: My mother has been here all week. I love her very much, but you know what they say: house guests start to stink after three days, like dead bodies.