Achmed Saves America (2014 Video)

André Sogliuzzo: Hassan

Quotes 

• Hassan : [high-fives Achmed and accidentally knocks his skeleton hand loose and sends it flying down the road]  Sorry.

  Achmed : No worries.

  [takes out a huge "Captain Hook" prosthetic and snaps it onto his wrist in place of his hand] 

  Achmed : We've got OBAMACARE!

• Hassan : [in a low sneering growl of restrained fury and disgust]  Achmed! **Why** are you still ALIVE?

  Achmed : [in cheerful imperturbability]  Nice talking to you, too!

  on-camera crowd : [cheering on the trivia-quiz show on Hussan's TV in the background]  Wheel - - Of - - TORTURE!

  Hassan : I should have heard a BIG BOOM by now! You have worked for us for T'REE YEA'S now, and you STILL haven't killed INFIDEL ONE! I swear - - you are da most useless suicide bomber in da ENTIRE WORLD!

  Achmed : Not to worry, Hussan - - I will get it right this time.

  Hassan : Achmed! You blundering EEMbecile! Are you forgetting that you BLEW UP OUR TRAINING CAMP? Da only t'ing left was da MONKEY BAHS!

  older of two observing chimps : [contemptuously watching a line of terrorist-trainees awkwardly swinging themselves along by their hands from underneath the tubular metal framework]  Oh, puh-lease - - we are SO-O-O much better at this stuff than they are!

• Hassan : [disgustedly, upon hearing Achmed say he wants to return to America and help the Wilsons]  I cannot believe that you would want to go back to that devil-filled country of INFIDELS! You are insane. I would sooner listen to the shrieks of a rabid WUTAH BUFFALO!

  Achmed : [sarcastically]  Ah, yes - - and how is your wife?

  [snickers heartily at his own joke] 

  Achmed : Pithy American put-down humor!

  Hassan : [fist-swipes Achmed across the head and knocks his sombrero off, then glowers fiercely at him]  For that insolence I should KEEL you until you are DEAD!

  [abruptly relaxes his face into a casual considering expression as he calmly ponders Achmed's question] 

  Hassan : But - - she is fine... she has lost some weight... a bit more COW than WUTAH BUFFALO these days, I'd say.