- Dana Scott: You really are a dick.
- Louis Litt: I'm Moby goddamn dick, and you just swam in my waters.
- Mike Ross: I'm just saying, if you're going to quote a movie, quote a movie.
- Harvey Specter: I got one word wrong.
- Mike Ross: And changed the entire meaning of the quote!
- Harvey Specter: Not to me it didn't. That's what I thought the quote was.
- Mike Ross: Okay, fine, you want to be disrespectful to Martin Scorsese, you go right ahead.
- Harvey Specter: Martin Scorsese didn't even write the damn movie. If anything, it's disrespectful to the writer.
- Mike Ross: Harvey, who cares about the writer?
- Harvey Specter: Hm. Guess you're right about that.
- Harvey Specter: What's this?
- Mike Ross: Oh, it's only the greatest gift you've ever received.
- Harvey Specter: Better than MJ's jersey from the 63-point game?
- Mike Ross: If this folder had played in that game, it would have scored 80 points.
- Harvey Specter: Okay, I don't even know what that means.
- Dana Scott: I'm a friend who is not going to give you my case fourteen seconds after you give me a scarf.
- Louis Litt: No, no, no, it's not a scarf. It's one of the world's finest pashminas.
- Dana Scott: I don't care if it's the world's only pashmina. You're not getting this case.
- Rachel Zane: So are you gonna get something for Harvey?
- Mike Ross: I want to, but what do you get the man who has everything?
- Rachel Zane: The same thing you got me.
- Mike Ross: A picture of him dressed as a mouse?
- Donna Paulsen: Now what can Donna do for you?
- Mike Ross: I need the perfect gift.
- Donna Paulsen: Mm. Who is it? Rachel? Something personal, preferably a picture from her father.
- Mike Ross: How could you possibly...
- Donna Paulsen: Jessica? Simple and elegant. Or wild and crazy, the choice is yours. Louis? Oh, God, doesn't matter. Just get him anything. He'll cry for days.
- Mike Ross: What about Harvey?
- Donna Paulsen: There is no gift for Harvey. He gets what he wants, and he doesn't want what he doesn't get - and my knowing that is the only gift he'll ever need from me.
- Judge: I'm ready to hear pretrial motions.
- Elliott Stemple: Motion to substitute counsel, your honor.
- Judge: On what grounds?
- Harvey Specter: On the grounds that he's a pussy.
- Louis Litt: And, if you value this friendship at all, you would stay out of it, because I'm going to the mattresses against Dana Scott.
- Harvey Specter: "Mattresses?" Have you been watching The Godfather?
- Louis Litt: Yeah, I've been trying to come up with some common ground to expand our friendship. Sue me.
- Louis Litt: Yeah, you wanna play it this way, fine, but if you think you can outsmart me, you're gonna get Litt up.
- Katrina Bennett: Litt the hell up.
- Dana Scott: Litt up? Litt. Oh.
- [laughs]
- Dana Scott: Oh, my God, that's so cute. I'm gonna go make fun of it on my Facebook page right now. Thank you.
- Louis Litt: Jessica, I want to know where I fall in the pecking order with regard to Dana Scott.
- Jessica Pearson: There is no pecking order. I don't look at things that way.
- Louis Litt: Great. That means I'm behind her because she's banging Harvey.
- Jessica Pearson: I'm gonna pretend I didn't just hear that.
- Jessica Pearson: Louis, did it ever occur to you that these situations may sometimes be a result of your own doing?
- Louis Litt: What on God's green earth are you talking about?
- Jessica Pearson: You have an opportunity to bond with our newest senior partner or make a permanent enemy of her - and I'm saying, in the past, you've generally chosen the enemy route.
- Louis Litt: Can you give me a specific?
- Jessica Pearson: Off the top of my head?
- Louis Litt: Mm-hm.
- Jessica Pearson: Pemberton, Yates, Cohen, Duffner, Ramirez...
- Louis Litt: That's five isolated incidents.
- Jessica Pearson: Robinson, Jenkins, Gardner...
- Louis Litt: Okay, okay, fine.
- [Stemple motions for substitute counsel to avoid Harvey in court]
- Harvey Specter: I was just wondering if he has a copy of his motion, because we never got one.
- Elliott Stemple: Uh, not with me, Your Honor. Something suddenly came up. My niece... she took ill.
- Judge: Well, when your family is sick, you have to tend to them.
- Mike Ross: Your Honor, Mr. Stemple may not have a copy of his motion, but we do have a copy of his family tree.
- [presenting a sheet]
- Mike Ross: He had no nieces.
- Elliott Stemple: I meant "niece" figuratively. She is actually my goddaughter.
- Harvey Specter: And what is exactly her name?
- Elliott Stemple: Sandra Silverstein.
- Mike Ross: Your Honor, that's the same fictitious goddaughter that's taken ill every time Mr. Stemple's needed a continuance in the last five years.
- Harvey Specter: Sounds serious.
- [to Stemple]
- Harvey Specter: Have you tried acupuncture?