- Walden Schmidt: I found this company, and they help you locate old vehicles. It's called "Dude Where's My Car".
- Barry: So what's so great about this thing?
- Walden Schmidt: I don't know, it's my first car. I had a lot of firsts in it. First time I learned to drive, first time I had sex, first time I had a condom break, first time I prayed.
- Barry: So, you gonna buy this car?
- Walden Schmidt: No, some guy named Dirk in Denver has it.
- Jenny Harper: So, why go through all the effort of tracking it down if you don't want it?
- Walden Schmidt: Nostalgia. It's kinda like lookin' up your first girlfriend, or your High School math teacher. For me those were one in the same. She still writes me from prison.
- Barry: I think my math teacher had a crush on me, too. I mean, why else would he ask me to take a shower after Math Team practice?
- Barry: My Dad wasn't around much. I had to teach myself all those things that Dads teach ya: How to ride a bike, how to shave, how to change a tire, how to masturbate.
- Walden Schmidt: [disgusted] What? No, Dads don't teach you how to masturbate.
- Barry: Glad somebody told me before I had kids.