- Jean Hamm: I can tell you want to bail. I'll give you five seconds to bail.
- Galavant: I don't want to bail.
- Jean Hamm: I do.
- Galavant: You do?
- Jean Hamm: Oh, yes. I want to bail your mama out of jail when she gets arrested for prostitution!
- Galavant: [sighs] You know what, Jean? It's... it's 1256.
- Jean Hamm: Mmm?
- Galavant: The "your mama" jokes... they're getting really old.
- Jean Hamm: Hmm, so is your mama.
- Galavant: Seriously, Jean. It's getting really worn out.
- Jean Hamm: So is...
- Galavant: Don't.
- Jean Hamm: ...your mama!
- King Richard: [singing] You're frigid and demanding. I shudder at your call.
- Madalena: Whenever you come near me, my flesh begins to crawl.
- King Richard, Madalena: But sometimes there are moments I'm not repelled at all. Maybe you're not the worst thing ever.
- Isabella: You're utterly disgusting. I loath your manly stink.
- Galavant: I see your mouth start moving and, God, I need a drink.
- Galavant, Isabella: And then from out of nowhere, I'll look at you and think, maybe you're not the worst thing ever.
- [singing]
- Galavant: I ride to save my one true love.
- Sid: Though she ripped your heart in two.
- Galavant: Not true.
- Sid: Pretty true.
- Isabella: Very true.
- Galavant: To destroy the king she was forced to wed.
- Isabella: More like *chose* to wed.
- Galavant: Not true.
- Isabella: Kinda true.
- Sid: Gotta say, sorta true.
- Galavant: Princess, can we stop the horses? Yours looks so much softer.
- Isabella: Oh! What is wrong with you? All you've done since we left is complain. You're supposed to be a bloody hero.
- Galavant: And I've got every intention of being one, Princess. I'm gonna save Madalena. I'm gonna get your kingdom back.
- [Smugly]
- Galavant: There's gonna be some pretty legendary heroing happening around here pretty damn soon.
- [He licks his finger and holds it up briefly]
- Galavant: It's gonna be dark soon. And this road is gonna be filled with bad guys who'd like nothing more than to have their way with your tight brown body.
- Isabella: [Highly insulted] How dare you?
- Galavant: I was talking to Sid.
- [King Richard tries to hug Gareth]
- Gareth: Hey! I've only ever hugged one man in my entire life, that was the day my father died... I squeezed that rotten bastard to death.
- King Richard: Right, we'll hug later. Good talk.
- [Princess Isabella prepares to train Galavant at sword fighting]
- Isabella: My father is a man's man who never got a male heir, so from time to time, I humored him and let him treat me as one.
- King Richard: I love watching you eat. I'm rather finicky myself but you, you don't think about it, you just *eat*.
- Madalena: I had a pet goat growing up, Jenny.
- King Richard: Awww.
- Madalena: When I was eight, my parents ran out of food so they made me go outside and kill her.
- King Richard: Hmmm?
- Madalena: I had to skin Jenny, cook Jenny and eat Jenny. After that, I guess I just tried not to think too much about what I was eating anymore. And, well... I made damn well sure I wouldn't be in a position where I'd have to eat my favorite pet again.
- King Richard: There was a moment tonight. It was a fleeting moment, but I saw it. You realized you could grow to love me.
- Madalena: Oh, would you please stop putting me in this position? Don't make me always have to be the bad guy.
- King Richard: Well, I, for one, am willing to put in the work in this relationship. You'll see. I'm going to wear you down. You're going to grow to love me, just like Pearl did.
- Madalena: [sighs] You're unlovable, Richard. Pearl only loved you because your parents paid her to.
- [Richard looks crushed]
- Madalena: I told you not to make me the bad guy.
- Gareth: Well... I just think... And I say this very respectfully, sire. You've gotta *man* up. You've gotta *butch* up for her a little bit.
- King Richard: Me?
- Gareth: Yeah.
- King Richard: I'm sorry, Gareth. I am Mr. Butch!
- [Looking down at himself]
- King Richard: Oh, poop. I got gravy on my tummy flowers.
- [Straightens up as realization dawns]
- King Richard: Oh my God, you're right.
- King Richard: Holy cow! This is your room?
- [Breathing deeply]
- King Richard: What's that smell?
- Gareth: Testosterone.
- King Richard: [Sniffs again] Mmmm. Musky.
- Sid: So are we keeping the rooster or eating the rooster? 'Cause I'm not naming him if we're eating him.