Mom (TV Series)

Quaaludes and Crackerjack (2016)

Allison Janney: Bonnie Plunkett

Quotes 

• Bonnie : I want to make an amends to you. I'm sorry about what I did.

  Jeanine : Okay, I forgive you.

  Bonnie : What, just like that?

  Jeanine : Well to be fair always thought I owed you an amends, I tried to keep you loaded all the time so you'd stay.

  Bonnie : So you're saying all this time I thought I took advantage of you and it turns out I'm the victim?

  Jeanine : Oh you were hardly a victim. I kept a full bar, tossed you a couple of Quaaludes and you lived here rent-free for two years.

  Bonnie : *Two* years?

  Jeanine : Yeah, time flies when you're putting bourbon on pancakes.

• Christy : Are there any AA meetings in Northern California where you haven't slept with someone?

  Bonnie : Exactly what're you trying to say?

  Christy : Oh I think it's obvious.

  Marjorie : Why don't you try a gay AA meeting?

  Christy : Don't you have to be gay?

  Marjorie : You just have to be an alcoholic, anything else you put in your mouth is your own business.

• Jill : So were you gay back then?

  Bonnie : Gay things were done.

  Jill : What kind of things?

  Bonnie : Why does it matter?

  Jill : Because I'm having trouble picturing it.

  Bonnie : Then stop!

• Marjorie : Bonnie, I think you owe this woman an amends.

  Bonnie : Please, I can't go around making amends to every person I ever slept with.

  Marjorie : Why not?

  Bonnie : For one thing, when am I ever going to be in Japan again?

• Christy : [finds out Bonnie slept with Jeanine]  An hour and a half?

  Bonnie : Yeah, we're women, there's lots of cuddling involved, you know.

  Christy : No, I don't, I'm Team Penis, always have been.

• Jeanine : Now for dessert, blueberry pie and fresh whipped cream.

  Christy : [stuffed from dinner]  Oh, no thanks, Jeanine, I'm gonna have to take my pants off.

  Bonnie : [about why she slept with Jeanine]  Now you know how it starts.

• Bonnie : So how are you doing?

  Jeanine : I'm great, I beat cancer, I beat Hep C, I got a new hip, I had two angioplasties, I'm like the Bionic Lesbian.

• Bonnie : Who's this woman in the picture?

  Jeanine : That's Lenore, I met her after you left.

  Bonnie : Oh, is she around? I've love to meet her.

  Jeanine : Sure, she's right over there.

  [points to urn on mantle] 

  Bonnie : Oh my God, I'm so sorry. How did she die?

  Jeanine : Doing what she loved best, mountain climbing... or in this case, mountain falling.

  Bonnie : [laughs, then catches herself]  I'm sorry.

  Jeanine : Don't be, she would've loved that joke.

• Christy : Hi Mom number 1.

  Bonnie : Why didn't you tell me Jeanine was here?

  Christy : Guess I'm just a little stinker!

• Christy : So did you dip your toe in the lake of lesbian love again?

  Bonnie : I dipped my toe, my face, *everything* got dipped.