- King Richard: You know how today we're heading into The Land of the Giants to offer them the Jewel of Valencia in exchange for joining our quest to save Princess Isabella?
- Galavant: Yes, we discussed it last night in great detail. There's no need for your clunky exposition.
- Wormwood: My plan is working to perfection.
- Barry: It appears so, sir. Once Isabella becomes queen, you'll be the most powerful man in all of Hortensia.
- Wormwood: No, not... The *wedding* plan, you twit! Do you think I'd discuss the *evil* plan so publicly?
- Barry: This is why I thought we agreed to call one the "plan" and the other the "plot" to avoid these kind of mix-ups.
- [Richard announces he has traded the Jewel of Valencia for a "dragon" - which is actually a small lizard]
- King Richard: Can you believe it? Imagine how our foes will run in terror! Well, I mean, once he grows a little. I'm going to call him Tad Cooper. A name that evokes strength and valor and bravery. What do you think?
- Galavant: I think you're a complete idiot, and you're taking it back. Now.
- King Richard: [crestfallen] But no, I... I can't. I pinky swore and said "no backsies."
- Roberta: What the hell's going on? You desert me at camp, I spend the whole day tracking you only to find you're about to join a battle between... two groups of very similar five-foot, ten-inch men.
- King Richard: Do you believe that Tad Cooper is *actually* a dragon?
- Galavant: I believe you believe he is.
- [King Richard hovers over Galavant to awaken him]
- King Richard: Galavant, wake up! I have incredible news!
- Galavant: Ooof. Is that news that you misplaced your toothbrush?
- King Richard: I admit I'm on a bit of an unlucky streak, but I am destined for great things. You'll see.
- Galavant: You have about as much chance of great things as that *lizard* does of breathing fire.
- King Richard: It's a dragon, and it can breathe fire. Show him, Tad Cooper! Show him! Come on.
- [Richard holds up a docile lizard in his hand which does nothing]
- [singing to a lizard]
- King Richard: Hey little fella, I know just what you're thinkin'. Nobody gets you or sees what you could be. But pluck up your courage and turn that frown up - soon we will eat this entire town up, then they'll believe in my dragon pal and me! That's right, little fella, we'll leave those doubters blinkin'. We're gonna show 'em a thing or two or three. Imagine the wonder that we'll inspire when we are setting their heads on fire! Then we'll be even, my dragon pal and me!
- Chester Wormwood: Barry, go on. Tell them the mirror idea.
- [monotone]
- Barry: He's going to hand-draw each guest's name and table number on a fancy mirror.
- Chester Wormwood: Way to undersell it, Barry. It's a master stroke! It's both functional and a work of art, and it'll all be for naught if the guest list isn't finalized!
- Galavant: He lost the Jewel of Valencia!
- King Richard: He doesn't believe in my dragon!
- Roberta: Wait, what? Dragon?
- [Richard pulls Tad Cooper from his satchel]
- Roberta: I'm sorry, that's not a lizard?
- King Richard: Don't. Not you too.
- Roberta: These guys seem really serious about killing each other. Don't you see how ridiculous this is? Do you really wanna die in a battle this ludicrous?
- Galavant: If it gets me a shot at Richard, yes!
- King Richard: Ditto, big boy! Let's go to war!
- [singing]
- Roberta: Listen people, there's no need to fight. Holy freakin' cow, you're the same *damn* height! Dwarf or giant, both will die tonight. There must be a way I can make things right.
- Gareth: Thanks for having my back.
- Sid: Hey, that's what friends are for.
- Gareth: Friends? You think we're friends?
- Sid: Well, I'm a little worried that if I give you the wrong answer you'll kill me right where I sit but... Yeah, I've come to consider you a friend.
- [Gareth raises his stein]
- Gareth: Oh, to friends then!
- [singing a rock song]
- Princess Jubilee: I like to live fast, make noise, swap spit with both girls and boys. I like to start fights, make a big mess. But this is one damsel who ain't in distress! I'm a different kind of princess, don'tcha think? I don't wear glitter and I don't like pink. I'm a different kind of princess. Got no gown, but that ain't stoppin' anyone from bowin' down!
- Roberta: You've been so busy arguing this whole journey that you can't see that you actually need each other.
- Galavant: Huh, please! I do not need him.
- Roberta: What's been your sole purpose this entire time, huh?
- Galavant: I'm trying to rouse an army to rescue Isabella.
- Roberta: Hmmm. And how many men have you got to join your quest? One.
- King Richard: You got someone to join you? Who is it, do I know him?
- Galavant: You, Richard. She's talking about you.
- Galavant: I'm sorry, I've been using so many horrible words to describe you that I've forgotten the one that describes you best.
- King Richard: Musky?
- Galavant: Loyal.
- Sid: My queen.
- Madalena: Oh, don't you "my queen" me. I'm bad news, am I?
- Sid: You told her what I said.
- Gareth: Only that little bit.
- Madalena: I'll rip his heart out and you don't mean symbolically.
- Gareth: Okay, I told her the whole thing.
- Madalena: I'm more "shrew" than woman.
- Gareth: And I made some stuff up.
- Sid: What about The Bro Code?
- Gareth: I know! But I'm starting to really like her and she's super-pretty. We just started talking and - I think you better run!
- Isabella: I believe I have a wedding planner to see. And better believe it... his ass belongs to me!
- King Richard: You know how today we're heading into the land of the Giants to offer them the Jewel of Valencia in exchange for joining our quest to save Princess Isabella?
- Galavant: Yes, we discussed it last night in great detail. There's no need for your clunky exposition.
- King Richard: Well, I have managed to trade the jewel for something even better than an army.
- Galavant: You traded the jewel?
- King Richard: Yep. For a dragon!
- [Richard brings out the "dragon" - which is actually a small iguana]
- King Richard: Can you believe it? Imagine how our foes will run in terror! Well, I mean, once he grows a little. I'm going to call him Tad Cooper, a name that evokes strength and valor and bravery. What do you think?
- Galavant: I think you're a complete idiot, and you're taking it back. Now.
- King Richard: [crestfallen] But... no, I can't. I pinky swore and said, "No backsies."
- Chester Wormwood: We have a serious issue to discuss. We've had most of the RSVP's except a Princess Jubilee. I need to know if she's coming.
- King of Valencia: Just mark her as a "yes" and order the steak. I'm not paying, so I don't care.
- Isabella: My wedding planner asked me to find out why you haven't RSVP'd to my fabulous wedding.
- Princess Jubilee: And why would I wanna do that?
- Isabella: Because it's a wedding and we're princesses.
- [Princess Jubilee and her minions burst into laughter]
- Princess Jubilee: Oh honey, wake up and smell my unshaved armpit.