[Fearless Leader shows Boris a top-secret sketch of the ultimate weapon for world domination]
Boris Badenov: [dumbfounded] That's a weapon?
Fearless Leader: That's *the* weapon.
Boris Badenov: But that's just a derby hat!
Fearless Leader: Not just *a* derby hat, Badenov. This is the Kirward Derby!
Boris Badenov: The Kirward Derby?
Fearless Leader: [covering Boris's mouth] Quiet you fool!
Boris Badenov: [whispering] The Kirward Derby?
Fearless Leader: [whispering] Jawohl!
Narrator: And Fearless Leader told Boris the legend of the fabulous bowler... The Kirward Derby had first been owned by a cave dweller many eons ago, who put it on and said...
Caveman: Pardon me, my dear. I've got something to do.
Caveman's Wife: Like what?
Caveman: I'm going to invent the wheel!
Narrator: And he did! Later on, it was owned by a man named Aristotle, who, one day in his bath, cried...
Aristotle: Eureka! I have found it!
Narrator: You've found Aristotle's law of displacement and specific gravity?
Aristotle: No, you idiot. I found the soap!
Narrator: The Kirward Derby was worn by Philip of Macedonia when *he* conquered the world, and by Genghis Khan when *he* conquered the world, and by Julius Caesar when *he* conquered the world, and by Elvis Presley when *he* - Oh, never mind. It disappeared for a time, but its last known owner was a Princeton College professor, who put it on and said...
Einstein: Of course. E equals M C-squared. Why didn't I think of that before?
Narrator: Yes, the Kirward Derby turns anyone who wears it into the smartest man in the world!