- A. Whitney Brown: The Cubs almost won the pennant last year. Well, I'm glad they didn't, though, because that's one of the signs of the apocalypse. Written in the Bible: "Ye shall know the end is nigh when the small bears from the windy place take the flag."
- A. Whitney Brown: [on Iran] If you don't think they're mean, just ask any of the one-armed shoplifters over there.
- A. Whitney Brown: [on the Soviets in Afghanistan] They probably thought, "We'll move in, we'll take over; who ever heard of a moslem holding a grudge?"
- A. Whitney Brown: Their leading export is cultural talent - everyone defects from the Soviet Union. And who defects *to* the Soviet Union? British homosexual spies.