- Klaus Baudelaire: That is not a photo of our parents.
- Count Olaf: Yes, it is. They're inside the piano.
- Klaus Baudelaire: How do you know that?
- Count Olaf: I took the picture.
- Uncle Monty: Klaus Baudelaire, I have a feeling there are many things that you're going to see that you've never heard of before. Life is a conundrum of esoterica.
- Uncle Monty: You can't study snakes and not find some that are dangerous. I have an entire cabinet full of venom samples from some of the most venomous snakes known to man and woman.
- Uncle Monty: Now, I know that a few dangerous reptiles can make you skeptical of the entire species. But, if you give them a chance and you get to know them well enough to tell the dangerous from the good, I promise you no harm will come to you in the Reptile Room.
- Count Olaf: [uses knife to point to photograph] Your father and mother were very brave in their days, but...
- [imitates fire]
- Count Olaf: their days are done Baudelaires
- Klaus Baudelaire (Louis Hynes): That is not a photo of our parents
- Count Olaf: Yes it is, they're inside the piano
- Klaus Baudelaire (Louis Hynes): How do you know that?
- Count Olaf: I took the picture
- Uncle Monty: Listen, children, I know that the loss of your parents was a great tragedy, but you can still have the life they wanted for you.
- Count Olaf: And that is when I said to him, "The frog is the greatest reptile known to man."
- Klaus Baudelaire: Frogs are amphibians.
- Count Olaf: What?
- Uncle Monty: Stephano, where did you study herpetology?
- Count Olaf: I don't know anything about mouth sores.
- Uncle Monty: Perhaps when I'm out, you can lure the androgynous cobra out of my sock drawer.
- Violet Baudelaire: Where are you going?
- Uncle Monty: Well, I'm gonna go into town and pick up a few things that I like to keep in stock. Wasp repellent, canned peaches, a fireproof canoe.
- Uncle Monty: Listen, children. I know that the loss of your parents was a great tragedy, but you can still have the life they wanted for you.