Johnny Carson: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Johnny Carson : [at a Ronald Reagan press conference]  Uh, Mr. President, we're well into your second term.

  Ronald Reagan : Are we?

  Johnny Carson : Yes, we are. What, uh, what do we Americans have to look forward to your remaining three years?

  Ronald Reagan : The worst depression the world has ever known.

  Johnny Carson : I see. That's reassuring, sir. I realize the summit is coming up. Some people thought it was unusual that you sent premier Gorbachav an ankle bracelet.

  Ronald Reagan : I wasn't going to give him a friendship ring.

  Johnny Carson : Uh-huh. Now, between you and me, sir, where are our nuclear missiles targeted?

  Ronald Reagan : Aimed mainly at our allies in Europe.

  Johnny Carson : Uh-huh. In your upcoming trip to England, why did you schedule a visit with Benny Hill?

  Ronald Reagan : I've gotta call on somebody in a red dress.

  Johnny Carson : Uh-huh. Now speaking of traveling, sir, you recently took your family to Burbank. Did you, uh, bring back any souvenirs?

  Ronald Reagan : Everybody kept their gas masks.

  Johnny Carson : Uh-huh. Sir, I heard that you cooked a pizza for the Israeli prime minister. I hope you didn't put any sausage on it.

  Ronald Reagan : We have made it plain.

  Johnny Carson : Mm-hmm. Now sir, you recently ordered the banister in the White House stairway wax so you could slide down it more easily. You think that'll help?

  Ronald Reagan : I, I, don't, uh, anticipate any, too much friction.

  Johnny Carson : Uh-huh. Now, mister president, with winter approaching, why are you having an outhouse built on the White House lawn this winter?

  Ronald Reagan : This is a time for cool heads.

  Johnny Carson : Uh-huh. Well now sir, I know you're sick of people making jokes about your hair, so once and for all, what have you got up there, sir?

  Ronald Reagan : A slippery slope.

  Johnny Carson : Uh-huh. Now sir, there's a rumor that you fired Margaret Heckler because you're a sexist. Where did you, where did you think that rumor got started?

  Ronald Reagan : From abroad.

  Johnny Carson : Uh, sir... you called up Dr. Ruth Westheimer last week. What did you ask Dr. Ruth when you called her?

  Ronald Reagan : A lot of technical things I won't get into.

  Johnny Carson : I see. Now, mister president, quick, without looking at your notes, what's vice president Bush's first name?

  Ronald Reagan : Gary?

  Johnny Carson : Close enough. Now, the other day, sir, you and the vice president were spotted at a local McDonald's. He was dressed like a giant french fry, and you were pouring something on the vice president. What were the two of you playing, anyway? Sir...

  Ronald Reagan : We were playing catch-up.

  Johnny Carson : Uh-huh. Now, mister president, what are the only four things in the world Nancy does not shop for?

  Ronald Reagan : Machinery, commercial aircraft, high tech electronics, and chemical products.

  Johnny Carson : I see. Now, this is kind of personal, sir, but you and the first lady prefer going to bed wearing a nightgown, or pajamas?

  Ronald Reagan : Just plain naked.

  Johnny Carson : I see, sir. In your opinion, what's the worst time for a person to take off all his clothes?

  Ronald Reagan : When you're standing up against a cellophane wall.

  Johnny Carson : I see. Now sir, you're known for your sense of humor. See if you can finish this joke, sir: What do you get when the Pope's in a slump?

  Ronald Reagan : A near miracle.

  Johnny Carson : That's not bad. Now try this one: What would you call Tip O'Neill running full speed to the men's room?

  Ronald Reagan : A mindless stampede.

  Johnny Carson : All right, now now sir, if I can get serious for a moment, what will you look back on as the best years of your life?

  Ronald Reagan : 1790 to 1875.