- Johnny Carson: [at a Ronald Reagan press conference] Uh, Mr. President, we're well into your second term.
- Ronald Reagan: Are we?
- Johnny Carson: Yes, we are. What, uh, what do we Americans have to look forward to your remaining three years?
- Ronald Reagan: The worst depression the world has ever known.
- Johnny Carson: I see. That's reassuring, sir. I realize the summit is coming up. Some people thought it was unusual that you sent premier Gorbachav an ankle bracelet.
- Ronald Reagan: I wasn't going to give him a friendship ring.
- Johnny Carson: Uh-huh. Now, between you and me, sir, where are our nuclear missiles targeted?
- Ronald Reagan: Aimed mainly at our allies in Europe.
- Johnny Carson: Uh-huh. In your upcoming trip to England, why did you schedule a visit with Benny Hill?
- Ronald Reagan: I've gotta call on somebody in a red dress.
- Johnny Carson: Uh-huh. Now speaking of traveling, sir, you recently took your family to Burbank. Did you, uh, bring back any souvenirs?
- Ronald Reagan: Everybody kept their gas masks.
- Johnny Carson: Uh-huh. Sir, I heard that you cooked a pizza for the Israeli prime minister. I hope you didn't put any sausage on it.
- Ronald Reagan: We have made it plain.
- Johnny Carson: Mm-hmm. Now sir, you recently ordered the banister in the White House stairway wax so you could slide down it more easily. You think that'll help?
- Ronald Reagan: I, I, don't, uh, anticipate any, too much friction.
- Johnny Carson: Uh-huh. Now, mister president, with winter approaching, why are you having an outhouse built on the White House lawn this winter?
- Ronald Reagan: This is a time for cool heads.
- Johnny Carson: Uh-huh. Well now sir, I know you're sick of people making jokes about your hair, so once and for all, what have you got up there, sir?
- Ronald Reagan: A slippery slope.
- Johnny Carson: Uh-huh. Now sir, there's a rumor that you fired Margaret Heckler because you're a sexist. Where did you, where did you think that rumor got started?
- Ronald Reagan: From abroad.
- Johnny Carson: Uh, sir... you called up Dr. Ruth Westheimer last week. What did you ask Dr. Ruth when you called her?
- Ronald Reagan: A lot of technical things I won't get into.
- Johnny Carson: I see. Now, mister president, quick, without looking at your notes, what's vice president Bush's first name?
- Ronald Reagan: Gary?
- Johnny Carson: Close enough. Now, the other day, sir, you and the vice president were spotted at a local McDonald's. He was dressed like a giant french fry, and you were pouring something on the vice president. What were the two of you playing, anyway? Sir...
- Ronald Reagan: We were playing catch-up.
- Johnny Carson: Uh-huh. Now, mister president, what are the only four things in the world Nancy does not shop for?
- Ronald Reagan: Machinery, commercial aircraft, high tech electronics, and chemical products.
- Johnny Carson: I see. Now, this is kind of personal, sir, but you and the first lady prefer going to bed wearing a nightgown, or pajamas?
- Ronald Reagan: Just plain naked.
- Johnny Carson: I see, sir. In your opinion, what's the worst time for a person to take off all his clothes?
- Ronald Reagan: When you're standing up against a cellophane wall.
- Johnny Carson: I see. Now sir, you're known for your sense of humor. See if you can finish this joke, sir: What do you get when the Pope's in a slump?
- Ronald Reagan: A near miracle.
- Johnny Carson: That's not bad. Now try this one: What would you call Tip O'Neill running full speed to the men's room?
- Ronald Reagan: A mindless stampede.
- Johnny Carson: All right, now now sir, if I can get serious for a moment, what will you look back on as the best years of your life?
- Ronald Reagan: 1790 to 1875.