- Rita Rudner: My parents - they wouldn't even push me on the swing. They'd just sit me on the swing and run back and forth, and say, "It looks similar to this."
- Rita Rudner: Once I asked my dad the facts of life. He said, "If you don't pay your mortgage, the bank forecloses on the house."
- Rita Rudner: I did read that men reach their sexual peak at 18, and women reach their sexual peak at 35. Do you get the feeling God is into practical jokes? We're reaching our sexual peak right around the same time they're discovering they have a favorite chair.
- Darryl Sivad: Americans are so strange - we spend thousands and thousands of dollars goin' to other countries to visit ruins. You know, the ghettos of Italy, the Pyramids, Stonehenge - ruins. Foreigners don't come over here and go, "Excuse me, but, uh... which way is Cleveland?"
- Johnny Carson: [reading audience questions] Where are you from, Velma?
- [Velma answers, "Nebraska."]
- Johnny Carson: Nebraska. Whereabouts in Nebraska? Whereabouts in Nebraska?
- [Velma answers, "Lincoln."]
- Johnny Carson: Lincoln. I used to work in Lincoln.
- [waits for a response from Velma, but there is none]
- Johnny Carson: ... Okay...
- [audience laughter]
- Johnny Carson: Velma could hardly contain herself when she heard that. I know she wanted to yell out, and she was just stunned!
- [reading her question]
- Johnny Carson: "When are you gonna have some pretty girls on your show, like Bob Barker?" You think Bob Barker's a pretty girl?
- Ritch Shydner: Women generally take longer to get ready because they care about how they look. Guys tend to be very basic: "This shirt go with these pants? All right, let's go. What do you mean? What? Stain? What stain?
- [hikes up his pants]
- Ritch Shydner: How about now?"