Johnny Carson: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Johnny Carson : [during the "The Circle of Life in Washington D.C." sketch]  One of the quarters from the mint falls down the chimney of a punk rock bar near Arlington National Cemetery and into the slot of a jukebox where it plays A-7: Michael Jackson's hit single "Beat It" at full volume. The pulsating rhythm blasts out of the bar and into the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, where it awakens the occupant and startles him, so that he screams out his name, rank and serial number, causing him from that point on to be The Known Soldier.

• Johnny Carson : [during the "The Circle of Life in Washington D.C." sketch]  This is going right into the toilet.

• Robert Blake : [discussing his dating life]  I just say, look, darlin', let me give it to ya: Both of my knees are gone, I'm a busted up old wreck, my back is not good, this shoulder fell off way too many horses, both these eyes have been blown up twice, I have no manners at all, I like to eat garbage, I don't know how to belch polite, I do things that disgust even ME, I wake up in the middle of the night in a black, raging inferno, I got thoughts in my brain that would gag even a maggot, I get so uptight, you couldn't get a dime up my fanny with a sledgehammer, I've been in therapy for twenty-five years and I'm still nuts. Now do you still wanna get linguini and clams?

  [audience laughter/applause] 

  Johnny Carson : You sound like a real catch to me!

  [more audience laughter] 

  Johnny Carson : What more could a girl want?

  Robert Blake : And that's the UPSIDE!

  Johnny Carson : That's right! Now for the BAD news!