- Leonard Hofstadter: You can't put that on Snapchat!
- Raj Koothrappali: Fine, I'll put it on Facebook like a caveman.
- Penny Hofstadter: How did you think you were going to hide your pregnancy?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I had a plan. I kept leaving Dove bar wrappers around to explain any weight gain.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Where did you get empty Dove bar wrappers?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: From all the DOVE BARS I ATE! I'M PREGNANT! Try to keep up!
- Penny Hofstadter: I feel so bad; I just lied to her!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: But you did it so well; that's amazing. That's like watching a sculptor, but your clay was lies.
- Penny Hofstadter: Is that really what's important right now?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Seriously, you have *got* to let me scan your brain when you're being dishonest so I can see what lights up.
- Penny Hofstadter: This is super helpful, Amy. Thanks a lot; I can't wait to do that!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I can see a clump of bitch cells lightin' up from here.
- Howard Wolowitz: Maybe before our meeting we should talk to a lawyer?
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's not a bad idea.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hey, you must have someone in your family that's a lawyer.
- Howard Wolowitz: Why? Because I'm Jewish? Like me saying "Hey, you're Indian! Doesn't your cousin work in a call center?"
- Raj Koothrappali: My cousin does work in a call center.
- Howard Wolowitz: And my cousin's a lawyer.
- Sheldon Cooper: I never realized this building was classified.
- Howard Wolowitz: Maybe that's because it's classified.
- Penny Hofstadter: When Leonard's feeling anxious, I make him take a long walk.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Does that help?
- Penny Hofstadter: For a while, then he comes back.
- [first lines]
- Sheldon Cooper: Look at this! Elon Musk has a theory that we're all just characters in some advanced civilization's video game.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So some alien kid spent his money on the asthma and glasses upgrade for me?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, he-he doesn't say it's a good game.
- Howard Wolowitz: I need to make as much as my wife so I don't have to try so hard in bed.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You do that too?
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, yeah, how do you think I stay this thin?
- Leonard Hofstadter: You're just a know-it-all.
- Sheldon Cooper: I am not a know-it-all I am a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they're wrong.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's the definition of being a know-it-all.
- Sheldon Cooper: Or in German, a Besserwisser.
- Howard Wolowitz: You should know we're a little concerned about this being used in weapons.
- Colonel Richard Williams: Oh, well, let me put your mind at ease; what we use it for is none of your business.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know how I feel about this.
- Colonel Richard Williams: Look, guys, it's just a guidance system; it's no like you're handing us the Death Star from Star Trek.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey, I learned a long time ago when you're four feet eleven and eye level with every guy's crotch, that's where you punch.
- Penny Hofstadter: That's funny; I learned something totally different.
- Sheldon Cooper: I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn't that exciting?
- Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding, right?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, not at all. In Star Wars, when the Stormtroopers would march in perfect formation harassing civilians, didn't you ever think "Hey, that could be me"?
- Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, we could be contributing to a weapon system that oppresses mankind for the next thousand years.
- Sheldon Cooper: Okay, Howard's on board. What do you think, Leonard?
- Sheldon Cooper: I don't understand why I can't talk at this meeting.
- Leonard Hofstadter: 'Cause when you talk, it enrages people.
- Sheldon Cooper: OK. Uh, quick question: am I allowed to exchange pleasantries upon meeting this colonel?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
- Sheldon Cooper: Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel Sanders was never actually in the military?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm getting enraged.
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard's mad at me, so I'm making him lemon bars.
- Penny Hofstadter: Does he even like lemon bars?
- Sheldon Cooper: Not really, but I'm mad at him too, so lemon bars it is.
- [last lines]
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, guys, hold me upside down.
- [Sheldon and Leonard hold him head down in front of the optic scanner]
- Computer: Howard Wolowitz. Access granted.
- Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper: Yaaaay!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I've been trying to figure out a way to get back at her. Do you think using her work computer to Google "How to be a prostitute" is over the line?