- Robert Blake: Standards and Practices - they'll survive some way. They don't have any bullets to count on the show. You know, I mean, "A Team" must keep 'em busy day and night, just countin' bullets.
- Johnny Carson: That could make a new series - "A Bullet for Brandon"... No. Now, let me explain... Now, let me explain... All in jest. Brandon Tartikoff is the president of NBC Entertainment - also has a great sense of humor... and knows every lawyer in town.
- Robert Blake: And probably has another job waiting, so we won't worry about him.
- Johnny Carson: OK; when you... when you th-... Between McDonald's, the Catholic Church, and Brandon, I may not be back tomorrow night, either.
- Johnny Carson: Are you getting all the love you need?
- Robert Blake: Uh... no. I'm still on the, uh, retention program. I'm not gettin' any love.
- Robert Blake: I've got so many miles on me, from startin' when I'm two years old, that literally... I mean, I need old people to be with, to talk about the things that I'm talkin' about, you know. And - and when you get somebody my age or younger, they ain't really been where I been and done what I done.
- Johnny Carson: Why don't you go on a weekend, go down and - and cruise Sun City?
- Louie Anderson: [opening his stand-up act] I can't stay long; I'm in between meals, so bear with me... I was just at McDonald's, and all those statistics just changed.
- Louie Anderson: And the bums down at the beach - always comin' up to you, those guys. "Hey, buddy - could you help me out with a sandwich?" "Well, sure - where is it?"
- Louie Anderson: People say, "Louie, why do you do those fat jokes?" 'Cause if I didn't, you guys would sit out there and go, "You think he knows he's that big?"
- Selma Diamond: We, unfortunately, are living in a society where, when people look at you, they see fat, they see black, they see old. We seem to have lost a personal identity. I mean that! And I resent it. I actually resent it.
- Selma Diamond: I don't get depressed about anything. Because, uh... and I mean this - when you're depressed, nobody cares. So, uh, I'm cheerful - like now.
- Johnny Carson: ...You mean you're on a high now? What - what is a down trip like for you?
- Selma Diamond: [to Robert Blake] I don't know why you have trouble with women; I don't have trouble with men. I mean, there are plenty of neurotic contemporaries of mine still around.
- Selma Diamond: I'll tell you what it is. The young people - and I don't care if you all get mad at me - the way you all voted, I'm not too thrilled with the way you went. But... they're not thinking. They - they only know what's going on now; they have not bothered to worry about what happened before, and the effect it's having now. And I mean this honestly. They're "now" people, which means nothing. You know, they know who Bruce is; what about Tommy Dorsey?