- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I come from a very long line of overly sexy men. My cousin, Ricardo, he had a sex addition.
- Jay Pritchett: You mean addiction.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Yes, of course. He built an addiction to his house for making love to his many girlfriends.
- Jay Pritchett: [Looking over his mail] Crap. Crap. Crappuchino. Charlie Craplin.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: In Colombia, when the old men start yelling at their mail. we put them on a sand bar and wait for the tide to come in.
- Manny Delgado: It's a no-go. Alexa wanted to use the hot tub tonight, but apparently she can't find her bathing suit.
- Jay Pritchett: If you don't come home smelling of light beer and chlorine, do not come home at all.
- Sal: [fighting over Tony award] Give it to me!
- Cameron Tucker: No!
- Sal: Aah!
- [water splashes]
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, my God. Did she fall in?
- Cameron Tucker: [holding the Tony award] No. I've got her right here.
- Mitchell Pritchett: We may not get women, but that allows us to really get women.
- Cameron Tucker: We may not hook up with women, but we really understand women.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I think it was clear when I said it.
- Jay Pritchett: First off, Joe is not a mini-me.
- Joe Pritchett: Crap. Crapola. Crapinski.
- Jay Pritchett: Well, maybe a little.
- Sal: Werner's precious Tony Award. He keeps in at sea as the ultimate aphrodisiac.
- Mitchell Pritchett: For women?
- Cameron Tucker: We just assumed you were a member of Cirque du Soleil.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yup, because you're bending over backwards to avoid standing up for yourself