- Quigley Quagmire: [spotting Esmé Squalor skiing down the waterfall] That's strange, it looks like they're on fire.
- Violet Baudelaire: [taking the spyglass] That's not fire. It's fashion!
- Hook-Handed Man: You seem a bit stressed boss. You should take some deep breaths. Uh, maybe a short constitutional?
- Count Olaf: I don't have time to read a bunch of amendments!
- Count Olaf: I still got everything I wanted. Because *I* am amazing, brainy, courageous, dashing, enchanting, famished, gifted, hilarious, im... in... What's a good word to describe me that starts with an I?
- The Man with a Beard but No Hair: Idiot!
- Count Olaf: To be clear, we're going to kidnap a bunch of rich kids, eliminate their parents in a series of arsons, then while waiting for them to come of age so that we can seize their fortunes, indoctrinate them via a combination of emotionally distant parenting and Stockholm Syndrome?
- The Woman with Hair but No Beard: Oh, Olaf, we're not emotionally distant, you just didn't deserve praise.
- Hook-Handed Man: [about the man with a beard but no hair, and the woman with hair but no beard] I'm getting the serious creeps from those serious creeps.