- Esmé Squalor: [about Sunny] Oh! This baby doesn't stop complaining no matter *how* many times I pinch her.
- [first lines]
- Lemony Snicket: [lighting a match in a dark tunnel] Like handshakes, house pets, and raw carrots, many things are preferable when not slippery, and the least preferable slippery thing is a slope, which is why I implore you to look away.
- [puts out match]
- Lemony Snicket: [lights another match] "It's a slippery slope" is an expression which refers to the way even small, seemingly harmless actions can send you down a path to something horribly wrong. My name is Lemony Snicket, and I am sorry to say that in the lives of the Baudelaire orphans, every path led to something horribly wrong.
- Lemony Snicket: If you would like the story of Sunny Baudelaire, simply take the story of Cinderella and eliminate the Fairy Godmother, the special outfit, the ball, the prince, the marriage, the seasonal gourd that becomes a carriage, and the ending where they lived happily ever after.
- Violet Baudelaire: Olaf still has Sunny, and we have to get her back!
- Klaus Baudelaire: She must be so scared.
- Violet Baudelaire: Sunny's tough. She might look like a helpless toddler, but she's a fighter.
- Klaus Baudelaire: And a biter.
- Count Olaf: We'll camp here for the night and burn it down in the morning. It's important to be well rested before committing arson.
- Count Olaf: [pontificating] A catch phrase should be cool and snappy. And you should be able to use it in any situation at all. Like, uh, "It's my way or the freeway."Or, "Give me those earrings Rachel."And, "It should be rooted in the truth"
- [does acting gesture]
- Count Olaf: Which is why when I perform, I ignore the script, and say whatever comes into my mind. Pajama bottoms. Absent. Nickelback. Let's try this right now. When I point at you, say the first thing that pops into your head.
- White Faced Woman #1: I'm in love with you.
- Count Olaf: Not bad.
- White Faced Woman #2: I'm in love with you more.
- Count Olaf: Now that's catchy.
- Bald Man: I'm in love with your girlfriend.
- Count Olaf: Eew!
- Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: Is a personal philosophy of moral relativism the only way to survive in an increasingly complex world, or is it an excuse we use for doing bad things?
- Count Olaf: Could use a polish.
- Hook-Handed Man: I'm in love with...
- Esmé Squalor: [walking up] Look what I found darling. A pack of strange green cigarettes just laying in the snow, as if someone dropped them while running for their life.
- Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: Smoking is very very bad for you.
- Esmé Squalor: This baby doesn't stop complaining, no matter how many times I pinch her.
- [about Sunny]
- Lemony Snicket: When you're on top of something, such as a moral threshold or a mountain, there's nowhere to go but down.
- Count Olaf: We'll camp here for the night and burn it down in the morning. It's important to be well-rested before committing arson.