Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King (2017 TV Special)

Hasan Minhaj: Self

Quotes 

• Hasan Minhaj : Every generation is defined by a great struggle or tragedy. And it's wild that our kids will never know there was a period of time, in this country, where you had to make a choice between being online or being on the phone.

• Hasan Minhaj : Have you seen the show called The Slap? This is a real show on NBC. This is a real show about a white kid that gets slapped at a birthday party. Are you fucking kidding? Thirteen episodes for this kid? Are you kidding me? Do you know when brown kids get slapped? Every brown birthday party.

• Hasan Minhaj : He looks at me like I believe in Santa. "Hasan, you'll never understand." "I'll never understand? Dad, you're the guy that will argue with the cashier at Costco when he doesn't let you return used underwear. And now you want to be the bigger man?..."

• Hasan Minhaj : I wish I could tell 18-year-old me, "Hey, man, don't let this experience define you. It's good people and bad people. Irrespective of creed, class, color, find those people. Because love is bigger than fear."

• Hasan Minhaj : I really believe love is bigger than fear. Fox News has taught me that. Fox News is incredible. I've never seen so many people with spray tans hate people of color.

• Hasan Minhaj : And you know, time has passed, and I don't really think about that day. I mean... I did write a show about it, but...

• Hasan Minhaj : But Davis was, like, super white. Kind of like tonight.

• Hasan Minhaj : I want that for the rest of my life. I hope she has a good personality. Let's move to the US where we're the only people that know each other.

• Hasan Minhaj : We just celebrated our one-year anniversary, so it's one year down, forever to go.

• Hasan Minhaj : I love melanin. I've never gotten a sunburn. I'm blessed.

• Hasan Minhaj : Now, against the advice of my therapist I go on Facebook, because she has a public profile. So I start clicking around.

• Hasan Minhaj : In the third grade, Miss Anderson said, "Write what you want to be." Some kids were like, "an astronaut," or "a firefighter." I was like, "I want to be white."

• Hasan Minhaj : My dad picked it up before me. "Hello, who is this?" "Hi, it's Alice. Is Hasan there?" "What you want, Alice?" I was like, "I'm going to die a virgin." "I'm in Geometry with Hasan. I had a question. Can I ask him the question?" He's like, "Okay, Alice. Why don't you ask me the question, then I'll ask Hasan?" That's the way our parents are. Ages zero through 30, "No girls!" At 35, "Why can't you talk to girls?" That's basically it.

• Hasan Minhaj : But when you're white and you're playing the video game of life, and your avatar is white, you just get asked less questions along the way. You pop out. Boom. "I want to be Batman." "Well, of course. Batman is white. Duh!" "I want to be president." "Duh! Forty-four-and-a-half presidents are white. We've had a great track record."

• Hasan Minhaj : You guys see this, right? Don't you know what this means? Don't you get it? I'm the cure for racism.