(2017)

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Lousy parody/ripoff styled as Malkova vehicle
lor_15 June 2018
Brazzers previously saluted Mia Malkova with an all-Mia DVD "Just Mia", unusual for the label known for its variety of femmes appearing in each DVD compilation of website material, as well as putting the spotlight on a non-big-bust performer. This additional Mia vehicle is poorly directed by Vic Lagina, a house director at stablemate porn label Digital Playground, and suffers mightiy from the one-girl premise.

Since growing up addicted in the '60s to the Minimum Monthly Requirement of a Playmate centerfold, I have been aware of the Adult Industry's reliance on new faces/bodies/It Girls, of which Mia certainly was one, several hundred videos ago. So having her personify the Bruce Willis character from the "Die Hard" movies but not having other actresses in support is a bad, bad idea. It reminds me of watching an occasional 1-girl movie in the theatrical era of porn in the 1970s, and feeling trapped in the theater, with no hope of stimulation by the sight of another lady on screen for the duration.

Self-plugging is nothing new for Brazzers, so the terrorists attacking at Christmas time theme stolen from the 20th Century Fox hits takes place at Brazzers headquarters. Stupidly this is set in L.A., when Brazzers and its occasional Canadian-referenced jokes refer to its ownership (now international after the merger with DP) based in Montreal, dutifully referenced on each DVD liner with the official site in Montreal of records supporting "of age" cast members.

The three scenes making up the nearly 2-hour running time have poor action footage, terrible blood/gore SPFX and dumb witticisms spoken by stars Mia and Danny Mountain, playing fictionalized versions of themselves as real-life porn stars who are a married couple. Sadly I see the helpful bio information in IMDb that they are now divorced, subsequent to shooting this junker, a bit of irony for those in the know watching it.

Markus Dupree is cast as the Euro villain, with various henchmen, only one of which gets to hump Mia (Charles Dera). Finale is a threesome in which Mia displays her sexual prowess with various d.p. positions including an unusual one poised in mid-air, held up by Danny and Markus. The two of them double teaming her is as ridiculous as anything else here passing as plot.

"Blue Lou" is the actor cast as Brazzers' boss man, who after being killed by Markus is treated to the cute line from Danny: "You killed Lou? He was just an extra!". Other silly witticisims include Mia as superheroine crawling through claustrophobic air ducts quipping: "Now I know what a dildo feels like".

For the DVD, to fill out some running time, though hardly approximating the traditional Brazzers' ration of often 4 hours of footage, there is an attractive 34-minute vignette starring Kayla Kayden opposite Xander Corvus (sporting a stupid looking modified Mohawk haircut) in "Radiant Booty", an anal exercise highlighted by some lovely black-light body painting effects on not her posterior but her boobs instead.
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