Schitt's Creek (TV Series)

Pregnancy Test (2018)

Dan Levy: David Rose

Quotes 

• Johnny Rose : Where did Alexis go?

  David Rose : She went out. She said there have been some big changes in her life.

  Johnny Rose : Yes, I should say so.

  David Rose : Why are you waving a thermometer in my face?

  Johnny Rose : It's a pregnancy test!

  David Rose : Ooh! What?

  Johnny Rose : There's a smiley face. So I assume that it's a positive result?

  Moira Rose : Are we sure that it's hers?

  Johnny Rose : Well, this test says that it's somebodys?

  David Rose : Come to think of it, I know that Alexis has been having a lot of ups and downs but I chalked that up to her personal life being a smoldering piece of shit!

  Johnny Rose : Someone needs to talk to her.

  David Rose : Don't look at me! I'm sure that she knows that it's a mistake?

  Moira Rose : I'll talk to her and tell her that SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO DUMP THIS PERSONAL AND FINANCIAL BURDEN ON US!

  Johnny Rose : Maybe I'll talk to her?

  Moira Rose : Now she'll have to move into one of those homes for unwed mothers!

  David Rose : Ooh, can you imagine?

  Johnny Rose : Moira, that's not going to happen!

  Moira Rose : I'm sure there are plenty of them on this side of the tracks! Let the nuns care for the little ones

  Johnny Rose : What Alexis needs now is to feel supported by her family!

  David Rose : I'll say it! I'm not in a space right now to be supportive of a baby!

  Johnny Rose : [Turning to David]  You know David I'm a little bit disappointed in you. You spend a lot of your time with Alexis. You could have done a better job of looking out for her!

  Johnny Rose : Okay! I'm sorry I'm not a condom!

  Moira Rose : [Screaming]  I knew something like this would happen. God help us all!

• David Rose : [Inside Stevie's Apartment]  Come in! Come in! Make yourself at home. There's nothing in the fridge, and I marked the booze so I'll know if you touch it!

  Patrick Brewer : I noticed the line is a couple of inches above where the whiskey starts!

  David Rose : I am stunned by your generosity... where are you going?

  Stevie Budd : Out to a spa

  Patrick Brewer : Which she already told us so maybe just thank her!

  David Rose : I did. I thanked her multiple times. Where is this spa?

  Patrick Brewer : DAVID! Let it go okay!

  David Rose : [Knocking on the door]  Are you expecting anybody?

  Stevie Budd : No, I wasn't.

  Jake : [Walking in the door]  Hey Pony! Are you ready to go?

  Stevie Budd : What are you doing? I told you I would meet you outside!

  Jake : I thought I would help you with your bags... David?

  David Rose : Pony?

  Jake : It's been a while.

  [Attempts to kiss David] 

  Jake : You look good!

  [David yanks his face away from Jake's face and hides behind Patrick] 

  Jake : Who's this guy?

  David Rose : That's my... that's?

  Patrick Brewer : Patrick!

  David Rose : Patrick!

  Patrick Brewer : And you are?

  Jake : Picking up Stevie.

  Stevie Budd : We're going to go!

  Patrick Brewer : So you're not giving me a name?

  David Rose : So what do you two have planned for tonight?

  Jake : Well, it's date night so we're going to spend it in the woods.

  David Rose : So you're going to go to the woods to ride your pony! not a spa! So I'd take it that you to are...

  Stevie Budd : Still seeing each other, yes!

  Jake : When we all broke up Stevie came to end it officially but it didn't stick.

  David Rose : It didn't stick. So you're still riding your pony. So, you offering your apartment didn't have anything to do with any guilt you felt with harboring a little secret?

  Stevie Budd : Nope! I'm just trying to be a good person so we're going to go.

  Jake : Unless you two want to come with us?

  Patrick Brewer : Nope!

  David Rose : I don't think so!

  Jake : You do you.

  Patrick Brewer : See you, man!

  [David scratches Patrick's arm like a cat] 

  Patrick Brewer : So, we're going to talk about this right?

  David Rose : I'll just get that bottle!

  Patrick Brewer : Whiskey right?

  David Rose : Yeah, the whiskey!

• Johnny Rose : Where did Alexis go?

  David Rose : She went out for a run. She said that she has big changes coming in her life.

  Johnny Rose : Yes, I should say so?

  David Rose : Why are you waving a thermometer in my face?

  Johnny Rose : It's a pregnancy test.

  David Rose : Ooh! What?

  Johnny Rose : It's a smiley face so I'm assuming it's a positive result?

  Moira Rose : Are we 100% sure that it's hers?

  Johnny Rose : Well, it's 100% sure it's somebodys!

  David Rose : Come to think of it Alexis has had some ups and downs but I chalked that up to her personal life is a steaming bowl of...

  David Rose : [Short pause]  Someone needs to talk to her!

  Moira Rose : I'll talk to her. Yes, I'll tell her that she has no right to put this financial and emotional burden ON US!

  Johnny Rose : Maybe I'll talk to her?

  Moira Rose : Now she'll have to move into one of those homes for unwed mothers?

  David Rose : Can you imagine?

  Johnny Rose : Moira that's not going to happen.

  Moira Rose : I'm sure there are those on this side of the tracks. Let the nuns care for the little ones!

  Johnny Rose : What Alexis needs now is to feel supported by her family.

  David Rose : Okay. I'll say it. I am not in a space right now to care for a baby.

  Johnny Rose : You know I'm disappointed in you David. You spend a lot of time with Alexis the least you could have done is do a better job of protecting her.

  David Rose : Okay! I'm sorry that I'm not a condom!

  Moira Rose : [Screaming at the top of her lungs]  I knew this would happen. God help us all!

• Alexis Rose : Dad, I've heard what you said but I think I can make it work.

  Moira Rose : What's happening?

  Alexis Rose : Dad's trying to get me to drop out of college.

  Johnny Rose : No that's not what was happening? I thought it was something else?

  Alexis Rose : What else?

  Moira Rose : Oh, he thought you were pregnant?

  Alexis Rose : What? Eww!

  Johnny Rose : We all thought that you were pregnant!

  Alexis Rose : Eww! That is so mean!

  Moira Rose : [as David walks into the room]  There you are! Where were you all night?

  David Rose : Out.side, I was outside!

  Johnny Rose : A little past curfew?

  Alexis Rose : Ooh, burn David!

  David Rose : I was just processing Alexis's situation.

  Johnny Rose : David Alexis isn't...

  Alexis Rose : It's okay dad! Have your fun now David because when the twins arrive I'm going to need your help.

  David Rose : That's a hard pass!

  Alexis Rose : You're going to be so busy with them David!

  David Rose : Your body, your problem!

  Johnny Rose : David, Alexis isn't pregnant!

  Alexis Rose : Just think of them as tiny little roommates whose tiny little poops you get to clean up!

  David Rose : Thanks! Thanks a lot!

• David Rose : [while Patrick is dabbing undereye cream in David's face]  I don't know? I think I'm in shock because the news is so numbing and I'm feeling very alone.

  Patrick Brewer : [Patrick and David kiss each other]  Imagine how Alexis feels?

  David Rose : They haven't spoken to her.

  [David and Patrick kiss each other again] 

  Patrick Brewer : Remind me what this is again?

  David Rose : That is a eucalyptus undereye serum.

  [David and Patrick Kiss each other again] 

  Patrick Brewer : And tell me why you can't apply it to yourself?

  David Rose : Because it requires a steady hand and I'm going through a lot right now.

  [David and Patrick kiss each other one more time] 

  Apothecary Customer : [Walks in the door]  Excuse me? I'm looking for...

  David Rose : [David cuts her off]  We don't sell that.

  Apothecary Customer : Bath salts?

  Patrick Brewer : Actually, we do sell that. It's right over there on the middle shelf. I'll help you out in just a second.

  David Rose : Between Alexis getting knocked up and us not getting any privacy to connect I'm very shaken right now.

  David Rose : Do you think you're going to make it through?

  David Rose : I'm unsure! I'm unsure if I'm going to make it through?

  Patrick Brewer : Hang in there okay?

  David Rose : Okay!

• Patrick Brewer : [after Jake and Stevie leave]  So, we're going to talk about this right?

  David Rose : I'll just grab the whiskey!

  David Rose : [Hands Patrick a glass]  This is for you. Cheers to privacy!

  Patrick Brewer : Sorry I've just got to go over this one more time. You dated Jake? And then Stevie dated Jake? And then you all?

  David Rose : No! That's where you're wrong. I said "no" because Stevie and I agreed that would be a bad idea. But it appears that I was the only one who kept my end of that agreement

  Patrick Brewer : So you're upset about this?

  David Rose : No. I am not upset about that. I don't even want any of that. And we are getting sidetracked right now. So who is feeling sexy?

  Patrick Brewer : I'm getting there I'm sure. I knew you had a very rich dating history, David. I just didn't expect to be graced by the presence of two of your exes tonight.

  David Rose : Funny thing. Neither did I. So?

  Patrick Brewer : But given we only have the apartment for one night maybe we should lock that box up for now?

  David Rose : That's a good idea.

  [Patrick starts to kiss on David] 

  David Rose : You know we haven't even gotten into your head...

  Patrick Brewer : Lock it up, David. Lock it up!

  David Rose : Oh, okay!

  [Patrick puts his hand on the back David's head and starts to locks his lips on to David's lips]