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Skinned Alive (1990)
Best left unmastered
I rented 'Skinned Alive' under the impression that the movie was made fairly recently. Well, the joke was on me as 'Skinned Alive' is a cheap crap independent movie made in 1989. Apparently, fans were just begging for this movie to be re-mastered and re-released on a digital format, so the director complied. Well, for everyone's sake, he should have just burned the master instead. The collective cast is perhaps the ugliest, most unappealing troupe ever assembled reciting possibly the stupidest lines committed to paper. I love bad B horror movies as much as the next guy. This crap should have been left buried though. There's DVD extras, but I'm not sure why the hell anyone would want "extras" on a movie that appears to be created with the talent of a bowling team who got bored during the off-season. I'm not going to bother to give a plot synopsis, since it would be a waste of time. You could give a monkey a pencil and paper, sit him down in a room for an hour, and he could come up with a better script than this. AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Filmed on location in scenic Ohio.
Bleed (2002)
Dumb, dumb, dumb....
*SPOILERS INCLUDED*
With a title like "Bleed", you know the creative juices weren't running on high when this puppy was conceived. The movie is your basic run-of-the-mill low-budget slasher movie. Oh sure, it tries to be creative with the premise of the "murder club", but we learn that was just a joke anyways. Okay, for those who really care about these things, the basic plot is that new girl in town starts dating her co-worker. He invites her into his circle of friends, and at a party, they tell her how they have a "murder club" and they murder people, blah blah blah. Well, we learn that it was all a joke, but not before our heroine kills a lady in a parking garage. Now, the "members" of the Murder Club are being killed one by one. Oh, and the bad guys wins and the movie ends on a downer. By that time, you won't really care though.
In retrospect, the first 10 or so minutes of this movie make no sense. The motivation for the killings in the beginning of the movie is never explained. I would say that it was a way for the director to pad out the film, but on the DVD there are deleted scenes! I'm not sure why anyone would want to see more than the feature length version of "Bleed", but apparently the people behind the DVD thought the viewers would be clamoring for more. On the box, it says there are Easter Eggs, but why the hell I would want to waste my time looking for extras on this movie is beyond me.
I was expecting a bad movie, and "Bleed" delivered on that front. It wasn't a fun bad movie though. Everyone looks good in the movie, and there's plenty of nudity, but the acting is just awful. My least favorite character is the guy who ends up being the killer...I think he's supposed to be funny and amusing, but he just ends up coming off as a tool. I think the funniest moment of the movie is when our heroine kills the lady in the parking garage, in a hilariously unconvincing death. Heroine shoves the women into the parking garage cement pole, and the woman looks like she barely hits the thing, and she spits out a mouthful of blood, and "dies".
For those who think that movie making is an intricate, creative process done by professionals, check out "Bleed". It will change your mind, and you'll realize any hack get can a movie made.
Otherwise, don't waste your time or money on this.
Carnival of Blood (1970)
Bad movie fun at it's finest
'Carnival of Blood' is a schlocky piece of 70's trash, that I grudgingly admit I enjoyed. Don't get me wrong, this movie is bad in almost every technical aspect, has horrible acting, and a plot that is mind-numbingly dumb. The obviously fake gore in the movie reminds me of a Herschel Gordon Lewis flick. However, there is a certain strange charm to the movie. I'm a big fan of bad horror movies that can make me laugh unintenionally. There's just a ton of little things that made the movie laughably enjoyable for me. First of all, the midget 'Gimpy'. His dialogue is hilarious and the scene where he goes over to Tom's place had me rolling on the floor. Then, there's the very inappropriate choice of using folk music for the movie. There's the hilariously cheesy love scenes between our lead hero and heroine. Our hero proving he's a Mr. Sensitive-type when he wants to take his girlfriend, on their anniversary, to the amusement park where a murder happened the night previously. Then, his confused reaction when she is too scared to go. Then there's the overweight, New Joisey woman and her over-the-top role. She doesn't have much screen-time, but boy does she make the most of it. Watch as she cuts in line in the food stand and badgers the man behind the counter because she wants her shrimp. Oh, and there's so much more....The worst 'drunken' performance ever recorded on film by a man playing a sailor. And then there's the creepy fair ground worker, Tom, who just happens to be friends with our heroine. I think it's implied they live in the same building. I hope so at least, because I see no other reason why she would want to be friends with a creepy carny-type and his midget helper. If you love bad movies like I do, check this one out.
Dark Carnival (1993)
There's No Carnival Involved Here......
I had the distinct misfortune of renting 'Dark Carnival' recently. Now, being a lover of bad movies, I have a pretty high tolerance for B-horror movies. If a movie can make me laugh unintentionally, then it's a winner with me. Well, 'Dark Carnival' is neither a good movie, or a good bad movie.
First of all, the title is misleading. There's no carnival in this movie, despite the title and cover art. I'm assuming the title is Artisan's doing, as they probably needed to muster every creative juice to sucker people into renting this garbage. The basic premise is that a group of unappealing, pasty-white, late-twenties, early 30's aged people buy an old house, and set it up as a haunted house for Halloween. For no reasons given, a homeless man is added into the mix. I guess this is supposed to appeal to the homeless movie watching demographic. On Halloween night, the house turns everyone "evil" for a brief moment, and they take the horror of the house too far. Then, everyone disappears except for 4 or 5 main characters. They cannot escape the house, and the plot line blatantly ignores how their other co-workers managed to escape, about 10 minutes before. Oh, and then there's an evil building inspector running around trying to kill them off, to stop the evil of the house. I think his identity is supposed to be a surprise, but you'd have to be braindead not to figure it out. Then there's a lame finale, which I think is supposed to be epic, but it just looks like someone is standing off to the side with an electric fan while the actors crawl around on the floor.
Every aspect of this movie is just plain awful. The script is bad, with plot holes you could drive a bus through. These people must be all friends, or come from the same community college, because these are probably the least charismatic actors ever recorded. You cannot tell one person from another, so when one of them gets killed, you can't even tell who it is supposed to be. One woman's affectation is that she keeps on her sunglasses throughout the entire movie. Brilliant. And let me tell you, there's nothing quite so fun as sitting for a half-hour, watching people walk through the haunted house. I hope the extras walking through the house got paid good to act scared, because that is the best acting in the entire movie. The budget looks like it was comprised of pop bottle return money. The entire movie has a feel of a group of people that decided to make a movie because their softball beer league season was over. Do yourself a favor and skip this one.
Children of the Living Dead (2001)
One of the great "Bad" Movies of All Time
From Children of the Living Dead, I have obtained more hours of enjoyment than watching any other movie. I can watch this film numerous times, laugh at how hilariously bad it is and still find something new each time. For instance, when we get a brief glimpse inside the construction site building, why is there gang graffiti on the walls? Or, if you watch the very beginning when Savini and the sheriff are walking towards the house, you can see something from the sheriff's belt make a big shine reflection on the house. Thank you, John Russo and all your cronies for pumping out good quality garbage like this. The bad dubbing, the horrible acting, the horrible script....Oh, and that brings up the end credits. I love how in the end credits, that there is a separate credit for "Abbott Hayes is an original character by" and then they give the screen writer's name. I guess the writer was afraid that people would think that someone else came up with the idea of the great zombie villain Abbott Hayes, or maybe they were afraid that someone would rip him off and that he would become as big as Jason or Freddy Kreugar. Oh, a fun drinking game to play is to take a drink for every time you see someone with the last name "Hinzman" in the end credits. You'll die of alcohol poisoning by the time they stop rolling.
Virus (1999)
Worst Movie I've Paid to See Since Soldier and 54
Okay, before I begin, let me make one thing clear: I am a huge horror movie fan. When I go to see a horror/sci-fi flick I am not looking to be intellectually challenged. That said, I must say this movie SUCKED!!!! Poor Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Sutherland reduced to a movie like this!!?? I won't waste time by explaining the plot, which I'm sure all of the other reviews here covered. The special effects are okay, but my main problem, is that the main robot monster thing looks like Johnny 5 from "Short Circuit" on crack. It's painfully obvious that the film makers tried to appeal to every gender and race by having a crew consisting of: a woman, a Latino, a Native American, an African American, and two old guys. The film never generates any real suspense, partly because it's hard to care about one-dimensional characters. Oh and there's a Baldwin brother thrown in for no good reason. The highlight of the film is how the two main characters escape the ship. My friends and I instantly cracked up when we saw it, and it still provides chuckles even now. Even when it hits video, sit this one out.
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)
Lots of gore and cleavage = fun time at the movies
I went to see this movie for two reasons: 1)I am a huge horror movie fan and 2)Jennifer Love Hewitt is my favorite actress. I was not disappointed on either front. On a horror movie level, I liked it because there was plenty of gore and typical horror movie scares. Jennifer Love Hewitt impressed me again with her acting ability by displaying herself in an array of revealing outfits. Be still my 19 year old hormonal body. I found Brandy to be slightly annoying and the ending left everyone in the theater dumbfounded - much like the first one. This is a great date movie for those in the late teens to early 20s age. It's basically like every other teen slasher to come out and treads no new waters. Still fun to watch though.
Soldier (1998)
This should have been marketed as a comedy.
This movie was funnier than 80% of the comedies that come to the theaters. It's so awful, it's unbelievable!! I don't know where to begin with this one. It rips off about 20 sci-fi movies: Universal Soldier, Judge Dredd, Empire Strikes Back, etc. etc. etc. There's not an original bone in the plot. And to add "suspense", there's a random snake attack every 15 minutes. The movie also has such thought provoking dialogue as: "What does it feel like to be a soldier." Then you watch Russell with a wooden expression on his face for about 5 minutes until he manages to spurt out: "Fear." The romance they suggest between Russell and the main blonde woman never happens and the action scenes are yawn inducing. This is a great candidate for turkey of the year!!
54 (1998)
Piece of garbage
I had semi-high hopes going into this movie. I mean, it has my heart-throb Neve Campbell, the usually very funny Mike Myers, and that hot chick from Desperado. When the final credits started to roll, I turned to the people I was with and raised my hands in a "What the hell?" sort of gesture and laughed.
This movie was the biggest piece of garbage I have seen. Ryan Phillipe has no charisma or screen presence as the lead character. The dialogue is purely awful. The only good thing about the film was Neve Campbell whose presence on the screen took my mind off of the actual film. The ending to the movie fit everything perfectly: It was AWFUL!!! I'm going to warn everyone about this movie.