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Vegie
Reviews
Battlefield Earth (2000)
Liked it better the first time when it was called Conquest of the Planet of the Apes
Lack of originality is the least of this abomination's problems. Awful, pretentious direction, insipid dialogue(piece of cake? Man-animals? Aren't men animals anyway?), laughable characters, and even worse performances. Saddest of all, Travolta seems sincere, as though he's making "Citizen Kane". Poor Forest Whitaker looks embarrassed to be in such a grimy, unpleasant, and derivative film. Quite possibly the worst film of the decade, and given that the decade has only just begun....And the film definitely does feature the silliest and most inept villains in modern cinema. Sadly, though, this isn't even the worst film Travolta has ever made("Two of a Kind", "Look Who's Talking Too", "Saturday Night Fever" and "Stayin' Alive" are worse)
Otenki onee-san (1995)
If you loved "Sex and Zen" or "Erotic Ghost Story"...
I've always been a fan of crazy, erotic asian romps, and this comedy is one of the best. Hell, there's even a lesbian sex scene thrown in with no relevance at all(not that I was worried). It was followed by a mild sequel that isn't worth seeing, but this one(based on a popular manga comic strip) certainly is. You'll never look at your local TV weatherperson the same way after this.
U Turn (1997)
Did somebody say "Red Rock West"???
Just like Richard Donner and Mel Gibson ripped off the Michael Ironside film "Mind Field" when they made "Conspiracy Theory", Oliver Stone almost completely plagerises John Dahl's "Red Rock West" with this nasty, overlong film. Sean Penn gets involved in murder plot, and can't seem to find his way out of a dead end town. These plot points are absolutely, without question, stolen from the aforementioned film. However, it must be said, "u-turn" is a very well performed movie. Billy Bob Thornton and Sean Penn are always great, and a grizzly Nick Nolte, and sexy Jennifer Lopez are also solid. The cast is better than in "Red Rock West", but that doesn't make it right. Stone stole someone else's idea, and he also goes overboard with the flashy direction and imagery. Not bad...but not original. What a pity.
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
SEE IT AT LEAST TWICE!
If, like me you were born around the time of the third Star Wars movie, which was the original(Huh?), I don't think it is then fair for you to make a judgement until you see it again, and again, and again. We grew up on these movies, we would've been to young at the time to form any opinion, and so any opinion we(or at least I) have is from repeated viewings. I grew to love the first ones. I'm sure I will feel the same with this one. Besides, It's still better than any other movie since possibly "Braveheart". Natalie Portman and Jake Lloyd are absolutely wonderful, as is the rest of the cast...even Jar Jar grew on me. As to the racist "accents" and stereotypes; I noticed more than just asian accents thank you very much, why must all alien species speak with American, English, or Australian accents anyway?To think everyone speaks in the same tongue is ludicrous, but I suppose more subtitles might've been better. Before I go, make sure you look at the young Greedo in the Pod Race scene, it's very amusing. SO STOP YOUR WHINING
Spaceballs (1987)
Another underrated Mel Brooks movie.
You don't have to be a "Star Wars" fan to get the gags, but it helps. Most critics prefer Brooks' early stuff, but this and "History of the World Part 1" are my faves("Blazing Saddles" and "Young Frankenstein" are his only other good movies). A hilarious film from start to finish. May the for...er...schwartz be with you...
History of the World: Part I (1981)
Smutty, but a million times better than "The Producers"
Quite possibly the most underrated comedy of all time. The only part which isn't funny is The Spanish Inquisition. My favourite bit?: The life size chess game(in fact this whole segment is hilarious)
Romeo + Juliet (1996)
Lurhmann goes John Woo in this terribly over-the-top film. Watch the classic '67 version instead.
Leo, as Romeo seems like he's at a recital and the others aren't much better(he can act- see Gilbert Grape). The Franco Zefferelli version walks all over this disaster. It was never a good idea. The actors are not convincing, and the language is not convincing in this setting. Luhrmann and Craig Pearce obviously thought they were being smart by using Shakesperean language in a modern setting, but it comes off pretentious and unintentionally hilarious. The characters of Mercucio, Tybalt(the surprisingly solid John Leguizamo) and Friar Lawrence(unde- rrated Pete Postlethwaite) are OK, but Paul Sorvino and Brian Dennehy are wasted, and most of the dialogue is shouted (particularly the opening scene) making much of it incoherent when not downright stupid. Leo is awful(girls don't e-mail me with your hate mail!-Unless you're good lookin'!), but Claire Danes is almost passable (she's no match for Olivia Hussey). Too much flash and noise.
Good Will Hunting (1997)
I don't wish to sound patronising, but this is a good first try.
Excellent performances from most of the cast, realistic dialogue, solid direction(From Gus Van Sant who has worked on "My Own Private Idaho" and "Drugstore Cowboy"), and some powerful moments make this 1997 Oscar winner(for Screenplay) watchable. The screenplay, for my mind was the problem. It's a good debut, but it's too familiar(eg. "Educating Rita" and the novel "Maestro" By Peter Goldsworthy"). It's your typical teacher-student film. My brother would like it to be known that I was wrong about the ending, but I wasn't totally wrong, Damon and Ben Affleck are rock solid, and Robin Williams richly deserved his Oscar for another nicely subdued performance(it's a pity he's always playing doctor types). Stellan Skarsgaard and particularly Minnie Driver(sporting her real english accent, which sounds more superficial than her irish or american) are irritating, however. Driver gets a huge laugh though in one scene. Ben and his brother Casey Affleck also have funny moments, as does Matt Damon(a bit egotistical to put himself in the lead, though). Nice, but we've seen it all before.
Pulp Fiction (1994)
I love violence and language but this is an excessively crude film from a show-off video store clerk turned director.
"Pulp Fiction" has two things going for it; Sam Jackson(robbed at the Oscars) and Christopher Walken(who has the film's funniest sequence. But that's all. The Tim Roth/Amanda Plummer scenes are irritating and too profane(swearing's great, but not like this). The Bruce Willis "Gimp" scene is memorable but a little sicko, and The Uma Thurman sequence(you know the one) is absolutely unbearable. She and Travolta(too fat to dance and never a terrific actor) almost ruin this 1994 Tarantino film single handedly. But no, it is Tarantino himself that ruins the film; everyone is nasty, it's excessive, the way the three stories are told is confusing, and...that's about it. Some of it is funny, and Ving Rhames is good as Marsellus Wallace, but this is too much for me. I know many like Tarantino, but I think he's a show-off in the grand tradition of John Woo(one of his heroes apparently).
Titanic (1997)
Why pay 9 bucks to see a three hour film you know the ending to?
I must've been drunk. The acting is wooden, the character development almost non-existent and the music irritating(I HATE Celine Dion). The FX are great, but who cares?. Of the cast, Leo has one good moment at the end, but it drags on. Kate looks terrible in her costumes, but it's nice to see she's not a twig. Pity she can't act. Billy Zane has seldom shown restraint, and this film is no exception. Oscar winner Kathy Bates, however is solid as an iceberg...er...rock as the "unsinkable" Molly Brown, but she can't save it. Jim Cameron has been responsible for many screen classics, but this isn't one of 'em. The dialogue is extremely funny. To give you an indication of how much I luuurrvved this film, the Federal election was on at the same time, and I decided to watch a bit of that!Would I have enjoyed it more on the big screen?Dialogue and characterisation is no different at the cinemas. The worst academy award nominated film of the year, but that's not saying much.
So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)
..."
Stuart MacKenzie, the outspoken father of Charlie is one of the funniest characters on film in quite a long time, and he alone makes this underrated Thomas Schlamme(married to Christine Lahti) black romantic comedy from 1993 an uproarious experience. Whether taunting his son "Heed", discussing his hatred for Col. Sanders, or jabbering on about conspiracy theories, he's both hilarious and endearing, played by Mike Myers("Wayne's World", "Wayne's World 2"). Myers also plays the main character of Charlie, a young man afraid of c...ccc...commitment. He meets butcher Harriet and they fall in love. But then Charlie begins to suspect Harriet is a serial killer. His mother(Brenda Fricker), an avid reader of the Weekly World News is no help, but his cop pal Antony LaPaglia(An aussie!) thinks he's nuts. There's plenty of funny cameos too including Alan Arkin, Phil Hartman, Michael G. Hagerty, Steven Wright, Michael Richards, Debi Mazar, and Amanda Plummer has a supporting role, but she's irritating, so who cares? This film is almost on par with the "Wayne's World" movies, in fact it probably is now that I think of it.
Stand by Me (1986)
THE coming-of-age movie
This 1986 Rob Reiner classic is ALMOST among my top 5 of all time, but not quite as good as "Forrest Gump", the "Star Wars Trilogy", "Terminator 1&2", "The Blues Brothers", or "Braveheart", but it is unforgettable all the same. Four friends in the 50's go in search of a dead body. On the way there is much laughter of course(mostly contributed by Corey Feldman as crazy Teddy DuChamp and Jerry"Look how thin and good looking I am now"O'Connell as Vern the fat kid) but lots of sadness along the way. Wil Wheaton gives what is probably the most underrated performance of all time as sensitive budding writer Gordy, and River Phoenix has many fine moments as tough guy with bad reputation Chris Chambers. A fine supporting cast includes Richard Dreyfuss(one of my personal favorites), Marshall Bell, John Cusack, Casey Siemaszko(Charlie in "Young Guns"), Kiefer Sutherland, and Dick Durock, the "Swamp Thing" as Bill Travers. The Soundtrack is flawless too(if you look at all of my faves, excluding the "Terminator" flicks, they all have memorable soundtracks) with "Lollipop" By the Chordettes, "Stand By Me" By Ben E. King(the definitive version), "Everyday" By Buddy Holly, and "Great Balls of Fire" By Jerry Lee Lewis(Love that mailbox baseball!) just to mention a few. The tale of Davey Hogan must be one of the most memorably disgusting(funny) scenes in a movie up there with the fat man sequence(or organ donor transplant sequence, take your pick) in "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life"(Not as good as "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
My best friend Antony knows every line in this classic movie. What is it about this movie that attracts the nutters?
This 1974 flick is one of the all time greats. You either love it or loathe it, much like the other Python flicks. Many like "The Life of Brian" more than this, but despite 'Bigus Dickus', it's nowhere near as funny as this bloody tale of Arthur, King of the Britons("King of the WHO?"), and his knights of the Round Table; Sir Lancelot the Brave, Sir Galahad the Pure, Sir Bedevere, Sir Robin the-not-so-brave as Sir Lancelot, and Sir-not appearing in this film. In their quest for the holy grail, they encounter Tim the Enchanter, the Knights who say Ni, a ferocious bunny rabbit("With big great pointy teeth"), and a horde of foul temptress virgins. Not to mention the Black Knight. Classic stuff...just don't tell anyone you like it, or they'll think you're a nerd...oops, too late. Cast includes John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Michael"The Nice One"Palin, Eric Idle, Neil Innes, Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam, Carol Cleveland etc.
Face/Off (1997)
"ConAir" had more brains than this garbage. It was funnier too.
I hate John Travolta and Nic Cage(Please don't e-mail me with your hate mail). They have both been in good movies("Look Who's Talking", "ConAir", "Get Shorty", and even "Phenomenon" and "Guarding Tess") but Cage turned in the worst performance ever by an actor in the little-seen Coppola project "Deadfall", and was also awful in the remake of "Kiss of Death"(Sam Jackson rules!). He goes over-the-top as a baddie, and came across as slightly irritating as a good guy in OK films like "Honeymoon in Vegas"(Love that Sarah Jessica Parker")and lesser ones like "It Could Happen to You", "Trapped in Paradise" et al. Travolta was in the godawful, unintentionally funny "Saturday Night Fever", he was overrated in the overrated, unnecessarily yucky "Pulp Fiction"(Sam Jackson still rules!), was pathetic as a baddie in "Broken Arrow", and he dances too much.
I can't believe the critics love this so much. The plot is dumber than a "police Academy" flick. It's too flashy(I like standard "Commando" or "T-2" actioners)and stylish(The next time I see slow motion, or a guy holding two guns in a John Woo movie, I am going to shoot myself!!!) and the actors are awful when playing baddies(they swap faces or something). It's true, they're not too bad when they are playing the John Travolta federal agent character, and the ending is nice, but this flick is too long, too over-the-top, too dumb, and I HATE Nic Cage and John Travolta!(They seem nice in real life, though). Gets a C+(average) simply because I don't want hordes of teenage girls beating the bejesus out of me. Actually, yes I do, but that's another story...
Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996)
Humorous in parts, but nothing special. Huh, huh.
I like B&B, but there's not enough material here to warrant a feature film. "Lesbian Seagull" got a huge laugh from me, but Robert Stack as an FBI agent with a thing for cavity searches, didn't. Unfortunately, he occupies quite a lot of screen time and I became bored quickly. And what's with the "cornholio" thing?Was that supposed to be funny?Demi Moore(uncredited) isn't bad, but I didn't recognise the voice of Bruce Willis. David Letterman, Cloris Leachman("Young Frankenstein", "History of the World Part 1")and David Spade did nothing for me. The plot: B&B look all over America for their lost TV and end up in all sorts of crazy hijinks. Lots of dry patches and REALLY bad jokes("Did she say, EXTEND?"- I'm not ruining anything for you, it's in the previews). Like the lame "Bean"(excellent TV show), this should've stayed on the box.
Demolition Man (1993)
At least it's better than "Tango & Cash".
Despite being reasonably fond of his 1991 John Landis directed flop "Oscar", one must say Sly Stallone isn't the greatest at picking humorous vehicles. His "Stop!-Or My Mom Will Shoot" was a lame-brained comedy actioner with an amusing nightmare sequence, the rest of the movie was just a nightmare to watch. His buddy-cop actioner "Tango&Cash" had humour, but even less intelligence than the aforementioned movie. It also had Jack Palance turning in a truly awful performance as a baddie named Yves!
Demolition Man is a delightfully tongue-in-cheek Joel Silver produced sci-fi/actioner (actor Craig Sheffer was EP) about a tough cop from 1998 who is released from cryogenic prison (he's been put to sleepy-bobo's for a while) in order to catch maniac Wesley Snipes, his old foe, because the futuristic police, and I quote "are not trained to handle this sort of violence". Derivative, but Snipes is brilliantly funny, Stallone is in good form, Sandra Bullock has her best role here, and the excellent supporting cast includes Rob Schneider, Denis Leary, Glenn Shadix ("Beetlejuice"), Benjamin Bratt, Jesse Ventura (wrestling), Nigel Hawthorne, Troy Evans ("Ace Ventura"), Bill Cobbs, and Bob Gunton ("The Public Eye"). Lots of fun from start to finish.
DragonHeart (1996)
Has everyone gone completely mental?
Why does everyone(critics&audiences) think this wonderful Rob Cohen("Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story") is a 'strange' fantasy?It's not!If you're a fan of fantasy novels, you'll find nothing odd at all about this movie. It's your standard knights, dragons, and evil kings movie, and thus I love it. David Thewlis is a perfectly evil king, Dennis Quaid is reasonable in William Wallace meets Sir Galahad-type role, and we get the distinct voices of Sean Connery as Draco the Dragon and Sir John Gielgud as King Arthur(uncredited ). Even better is Pete Postlethwaite("The Usual Suspects", "In the Name of the Father") as a monk who travels with Bowen(Quaid) and spouts such memorable phrases as "Turn the other cheek, brother!". Rated M here in Oz, god knows why, "Jurassic Park" would be more of a nightmare for kids(or anyone for that matter). The FX are from the same guys behind "Jurassic Disappointment"...er...Park, but are put to better use here. I'd rather read the book of this, but it's still a very enjoyable movie-going experience.
The Quick and the Dead (1995)
Funny, but not in the way Sam Raimi would've hoped.
Sharon Stone does the Clint Eastwood Stranger-with-no-name thing, and is even worse than he is. At least "The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly" had intentional laughs. No one here seems in on the joke, except maybe Leonardo Di Caprio as The Kid, and in a brief cameo, Raimi regular Bruce Campbell.
Forrest Gump (1994)
The greatest film of all time
You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll just have a darn good time. Tom Hanks gives the performance of his career, one year after his other brilliant performance in Jonathan Demme's masterpiece Philadelphia. The supporting cast is flawless, and the soundtrack would have to be right up there with the Star Wars soundtrack as the best ever, including my personal favourite Creedence Clearwater Revival. Anyone who says this film only won Oscars because, like Rain Man it was about an idiot, has no idea what they are talking about. Citizen Kane may be the greatest film of all time on a technical level, and I do love it, but is it as magical as this film?I think not.
Dollman vs. Demonic Toys (1993)
Rent this junk and you'll get what you deserve.
At 58 minutes this garbage was never going to have a chance with me, but I must admit I only rented it for a good laugh. And I got it. Get this, this movie is a sequel to not one but THREE different movies from Full Moon Entertainment(the Puppetmaster series look like the Star Wars Trilogy in comparison). The films are Dollman, Demonic Toys, and Bad Channels. That's not the worst of it, even the killer G.I. Joe isn't the worst thing about this flick(it's the funniest thing, though). This poor excuse for a horror flick actually rips off a movie called Killer Klowns From Outer Space, arguably the worst film since Plan 9 From Outer Space. Then again, the Quick and The Dead was pretty godawful.
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
A rarity in hollywood. Better than the original.
It starts out much the same as the 1984 original(which I must confess I hated as a kid), but this time James Cameron and co. have managed to improve on that film in every aspect, particularly the mind blowing FX and a strong performance from Linda Hamilton. One of the all-time greats, as is its predecessor(I'm full of contradictions so don't think I don't know what you're thinking).
Revenge of the Nerds (1984)
Teen comedy at it's raunchy best
It's nice to think that every nerd has his/her day, and that's why I love this flick so much, even if I know that no nerd will ever have his day so long as nerd-hating movies like Clueless are made. This 1984 classic is the quintessential teen comedy, dependant upon your fondness for National Lampoon's Animal House, Meatballs, Porky's, or Fraternity Vacation. Many classic lines, mostly unprintable, and the revenge on the Pi's is...er... rather memorable to say the least.
The Beastmaster (1982)
One more bad word said about this film, and I swear to god, I'll do a Travis Bickle and go nutso!
I love this tongue-in-cheek fantasy adventure, and I don't give a flying fruit bowl whether author Andre Norton agrees with me or not. Marc Singer (who looks as though he's been poppin' pills) plays barbarian hero with friendly ferret companions. If you want to be depressed and ultimately be bored silly, rent Conan the Barbarian. If you want a good time, check your brain at the door and watch this fun flick.