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Reviews
Snow Queen (2002)
Meandering and heavy-handed adaption
"The Snow Queen" is based on the famous and very beautiful fairytale by Hans Christian Andersen, about a girl, Gerda, who goes on a dangerous journey to rescue her friend Kai from the clutches of the Snow Queen. This adaption attempts to capture that story's sense of adventure and luminously intricate imagery through lavish sets and production design, but fails on a number of counts.
Like so many Hallmark productions, the potential of the story is completely undercut by heavy-handed scripting and direction. The two actors playing Gerda and Kai are blandly pleasant but forgettable; Bridget Fonda as the Snow Queen looks the part but is otherwise miscast for the role. There's a notable lack of dramatic tension to this meandering three-hour miniseries. At least some of the pacing problems can be attributed to the addition of filler scenes that add very little to the original story, particularly in the opening hour that introduces the main characters.
That said, "The Snow Queen" would be just about ideal for pre-teens with a liking for fantasy and a bit of patience. It's great eye-candy without being scary, and the acting is pitched at the sort of pantomime over-the-top level that spells out the storyline in very, very bold text. Just make sure you read them Andersen's story too.
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
There is one _really_ good reason to see SPR...
... so you can see The Thin Red Line afterwards and marvel at how wonderful the latter is. I'm sure Mr Spielberg thought he was doing us all a favour by enlightening us on the nature of war: "hey, everyone! It's BAD - but necessary." Oh my. That was shocking. (Oh, the sarcasm!) I'm being flippant; let me qualify my statements. I do not doubt or belittle the fact that SPR was of great emotional worth and moral value to many people, some of whom are far more qualified than I to judge... ... but hell, that little demon inside just wants to be heard. And it says some nasty things. I came into this film wanting to _see_ a film - as opposed to three hours of histrionics and melodrama, dressed up as a serious and worthy discussion of war. Worthy - that's the word. Mr Spielberg wants to be _worthy_. He wants to teach us all about patriotism and freedom and evil and good and The American Way. Frankly it was rather offensive. Not his general intent (which was indeed worthy), but rather the manner in which he set about it (which was not worthy). Emotive scenes of slaughter, stereotyping of good and evil characters, simple resolutions, a gimmick in the form of "stickybombs" - all rather fairyfloss, fairytale elements in a supposedly hardcore, realistic film. From a historian's point of view, it spoke loudly of propaganda.
A review of '90s films would be incomplete without Saving Private Ryan, and no doubt it will continue to be hailed as "the greatest war film of all time". For those reasons alone, see Saving Private Ryan. But please don't believe the hype.
Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)
Truly B-grade
Before seeing this film, I'd scoffed at the less-than-flattering reviews I'd read. Naively, I thought that The Man, the hand behind The Godfather (1 and 2 - let's forget about 3) couldn't be as bad as all that. I was so wrong.
The acting was, *heavy sigh*, terrible. Gary Oldman was doing his sleepwalking act again - glower glower, sneer sneer, yada yada. Winona was, as usual, truly irritating as only she can be - but I give her credit for going well with the decor. Hopkins has been much lowered in my esteem, and Sadie Frost made me cringe. (Let's not talk about Keanu. It's just too painful.)
Even the much-praised visuals weren't all that spectacular. There were some unforgettable moments, filmed with great imagination and style; but also the unmistakable look of the soundstage that clashed rather horribly with the feel of the film. In terms of production style, lavish and decadent would have to be the words of the day; but again, the feeling of artificialty overpowered.
Finally, its status as a horror film. There are certain characteristics of Gothic horror films that have, through long and exhaustive use, become passe - the strategic lightning and thunderclap; the walking-around-mysterious-corners-at-night; the rising storm; and the little things like rats and worms. The challenge for modern horror films is rise above these cliches, to come up with something new and different to challenge the audience.
Not only does Dracula not avoid these cliches, it positively takes a running jump, clutches them in its scaly embrace and slowly sucks the life out. The dialogue was in a similar vein. It was shocking, but in a totally negative way.
To sum up - don't see it.
A Hazard of Hearts (1987)
So trashy you can't rip your eyes away.
So there I was, laid up with the 'flu. I flick to the midday movie - oh, it's got Helena Bonham-Carter in it. Groovy. Little did I know that I was in for two hours of cliched corny crap that also proved extremely difficult to stop watching despite all my efforts. I swear, I tried so hard to stop! But it was just so (unintentionally) amusing!
The cliches just kept on coming; the acting was terrible (apart from Bonham-Carter); the direction clumsy; the costumes and set design cheap. I know, it was made for television; but so was My Beautiful Laundrette.
But what really made me frustrated was the hero - throughout the whole film, purportedly a romance-adventure, he always, every single time, kissed Helena on the forehead. Like she was a little girl. It killed me.
Watch it for laughs, but don't expect anything else.