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Reviews
Jûbê ninpûchô (1993)
Perfectly evocative animation.
This is, quite probably, one of the most amazing full-length anime
features I've ever come across. It is animated with such delicate
skill that the plot is, at times, secondary to the image appearing on
the screen.
The simple beauty of the landscape, the powerful images of the
poisoned villagers, all of these contribute to the mastery that Ninja
Scroll shows. There are a few scenes which stand out, at least in
my mind. The first is the duel between Jubei and Mushizo, the
hunchbacked ninja, in the water. The animation of the combatants
in the fluid environment is exquisite. Secondly, the animation in
the duel between Utsutsu and Jubei is unparalleled. The sense
that is given in all of the actions, the tension that is hidden within
each of the figures makes the scene more real than most real-life
cinematic ventures.
Don't watch if you're squeamish about violence: there is a surplus
of that in this movie. It's rather dark, but that only serves to add to
the overall effect.
Monster a Go-Go (1965)
What? Speak up!
The movie that comes complete with a telephone that doesn't *actually* ring, the movie knit together with a narrator's words, the movie with... no monster.
In a movie where the precept is that an astronaut has been flung from his crashed capsule, then monsterizes and lurches away, one does not expect the stumbling conclusion to be much more than the fumbling of some demi-heroes in their confrontation with the monstronaut. However, this is not the case. No climax, no conclusion, no answers are provided when the monster is removed from the movie, with no explanation. The narrator attempts to soothe the raw, gaping wound the movie leaves by assuring us that the movie was merely an example of fact and fiction being drawn closer, but the words are as empty as the movie itself, devoid of comprehension of this horrid, despicable movie.
The MSTing is among the top 10, though, and is a must-watch. Look for the Pina Colada segment!
Mitchell (1975)
"Joe Don Baker IS Mittens!"
What a wonderful episode of MST3K. What a horrible, horrible movie. In the context of his later effort, "Final Justice," Joe Don Baker turned in the same wooden, devil-may-care-and-I-certainly-don't performance in the two movies. There is a difference, however. "Final Justice" did not feature the noticeably large Joe Don in bed with Linda Evans and a bottle of baby oil. Whoever thought Joe Don was a sex symbol needed to be hung from a particularly sensitive part of the anatomy.
It is disgusting to note that in the un-MSTed (and thus, unedited) version, we are treated to the sight of Joe Don on the phone with someone, I forget exactly whom, and Linda Evans' head in the vicinity of Joe Don's groin (the one redeeming characteristic is that whatever is going on is obscured by the bed). Needless to say, I have been traumatized for life.
In conclusion, do NOT watch this movie unless you have the cast of MST helping you out. If you do, prepare for deep hurting.
Future War (1997)
1995 or 1965? You decide!
I would never have believed that a movie made in 1995 could have had special effects quite as poor as this one. The "dinosaurs" were ancient animatronic devices, not to scale and brutally un-lifelike. The explosions were pathetic puffs of ignited gunpowder. The "spaceship" was so transparently a model that it made it painful to watch. Robert Z'Dar was, quite possibly, the best actor in this movie: his assignment was to "fight" the "hero", then die, and he pulled it off with a level of mediocrity that the other actors in this movie could only dream about. The final battle scene (in a "church") shows the lack of concern for correctness: our "hero," a horrible overactor, is cut, then not, then cut, then not, then cut. It boggles the mind. Aside from him, various other pieces of wood (ranging from obese to anorexic) dot this film landscape. The "halfway house" is filled with Very Large men and a Very Thin woman. Oh, and an obnoxious kid, who thankfully isn't terribly important.
All in all, one of the most embarrassing movies I've ever seen. But it made for one of my favorite MST3K episodes ever, so good does sometimes arise from mediocrity.
Girl in Gold Boots (1968)
Bad editing, and other sundries.
This movie must have had a virus. There are boring singers, singing something while the audience is bombarded with shots of partially-clad feminine forms moving around. This comprises around 80 percent of the film. The rest of the film is a rather pathetic "love" story that takes about eight hours to finish what could have been settled in three or four minutes.
Also prominent in the movie is the lack of editing. There are at least two scenes with glaring editing errors. One of them is so egregious as to elicit the response: "A 3-year-old would catch that!" The "hero" and "heroine" are sitting at a table, talking, when the demi-"villain" suddenly APPEARS right next to them. Note that this movie is not about magic, but about drug use.
All in all, a horrible movie that rivals some of the worst in terms of plot, editing, and casting, or the lacks thereof.
The Phantom Planet (1961)
Phantom Planet is quilted for softness!
What a movie. What a bad, bad movie. The "plot," if it can be said to have one, involves Frank Chapman, USAF searching for a rocket and crashing on Rayton, the eponymous "phantom planet," sans co-pilot, who has floated away into the depths of space. Everyone will remember the co-pilot as the one who said after leaving the moon: "You know, Captain, every year of my life, I become more and more convinced that the wisest and the best is to focus our attention on the good and the beautiful, if we just take the time to look at it." Needless to say, this is not the only piece of the movie that warrants our derision, but it is the most prominent.
Do NOT watch this movie unless it is being MSTed. You will find yourself looking for items to throw at the TV otherwise.