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Reviews
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)
What a waste of celluloid!
If you liked Blair Witch, you'll hate this movie. If you didn't like Blair Witch, you'll still hate this movie. If you have a functioning cerebellum, you'll hate this movie.
This film was nothing more than a cynical attempt to cash in on Blair Witch while the craze lasted. It wasn't reasonable to expect to capture lightning in a bottle twice, and the studio obviously realized that and didn't bother trying.
Stylistically the film might just as well be a Scream sequel. It's not shot in a mock documentary style, but in a conventional way, on a sound stage with a script and regular cameras and special effects.
Given that it was going to be a conventional studio film, you might at least hope that they'd have shelled out for some name, or at least good, actors. They didn't. There's nobody here you've ever heard of, seen before, or will want ever to see again. The acting is uniformly wooden and forgettable, and similarly the direction by Joe Berlinger who, surprise, surprise, hasn't directed anything else you've ever heard of either. We're therefore stuck with the worst of both worlds: the low artistic aspirations of a studio film combined with the low budget of an independent picture.
Pearl Harbor (2001)
Insipid
It's really depressing just how bad a movie can be and still be
commercially successful. And this is one really, really bad movie.
Like Mr. Bay's previous insult to the intelligence and taste of the
movie-going public, Armageddon, this film chokes on some of the
most nausea-inducing dialog ever written for a major motion
picture. A few samples:
"You're so beautiful it hurts!"
"I'm gonna give Danny my whole heart, but I don't think I'll ever look
at another sunset without thinking of you!"
"I think World War II just started."
"Sir, it's risky, but it's bold!"
"God help anyone who gets into a war with the Americans!"
"I'm not anxious to die -- just anxious to matter!"
barf, barf, barf, barf, barf, barf.
This, of course, doesn't even begin to touch on the inane story:
suffice it to say that absolutely nothing of any interest to anyone
with an IQ over 70 happens during the 80% of the film that isn't the
attack scene. It also leaves out the egregious historical idiocies,
perpetrated by Disney in order to avoid offending the Japanese.
The violence will appeal to teenage boys, and the love story, such
as it is, to teenage girls. They won't learn much about Pearl
Harbor, and what little they do learn will be mostly wrong, but there
are probably more harmful pastimes. I'd seriously question the
intellectual capacities and aesthetic tastes of anyone over the age
of 17 who enjoys this swill, however.
Twister (1996)
OK effects, dismal movie
The plot of this film, what little there is of it, consists of a group of
good weathermen, including Hunt and Paxton, chasing tornadoes
around the midwest, attempting to place a weather instrument
directly in the path of one of them. In this they are competing with a
group of evil weathermen, who will stop at nothing to foil them and
be the first to place their instrument instead.
"But wait," you say. "What if I were to forget which were the good
and which the evil weathermen?" Fear not, for the filmmakers
thought of this: the good weathermen travel in a ramshackle
caravan of trucks and campers while the evil weathermen have
matching shiny black minivans, driven at a high rate of speed three
feet off each others' bumpers. I still became confused when the
vehicles weren't in the scene, however, and wished the evil
weathermen had sported handlebar mustaches they could have
twisted from time to time so I could have followed things more
easily.
Armageddon (1998)
One word: garbage
I can't remember when I've seen a worse movie. The acting was overwrought, the dialog trite to the point of being painful to listen to, the special effects second-rate and the overall story laughable.
I've never wanted to walk out on a movie more, and if I'd been alone that's what I'd have done, about 30 minutes into it, and saved myself nearly ANOTHER TWO EXCRUCIATING HOURS of nausea-inducing dialog and a plot with more holes than a swiss cheese "the size of Texas." I just can't overemphasize what a miserable experience sitting through this collosal waste of perfectly good celluloid was.
The Exorcist III (1990)
Better than II, but not great
Despite a major hole in the premise (Kinderman describes Fr. Karras as having been his best friend, whereas in the original movie they met one time and never saw each other again) and some truly awful last-minute tinkering by the studio (adding an exorcist and an exorcism that are completely disconnected from the rest of the film), this film has some scary moments. No gore or violence is shown (well, at least up until that crappy, grafted-on exorcism) but the director, Blatty himself, skillfully uses the power of suggestion to acheive truly frightening effects.
Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
Just awful
This movie certainly ranks among the worst of the 1970's. Painful to watch, without a single enjoyable minute or redeeming feature of any kind to compensate for the incompetent writing, direction and editing.
The Omen (1976)
Decently made shlock horror
Compared to the amazing Rosemary's Baby, or even the Exorcist, this movie is a cheap hack. If decapitions, impalements and a lot of pompous, melodramatic music and shrill choirs chanting at high volume are what make a scary film, then I guess this qualifies.
Filmmakers will still be studying Rosemary's Baby 50 years from now. Nobody serious has ever taken the Omen seriously, with good reason.